As some of you may have noticed there was no post yesterday, the reason for this was that there was a minor misunderstanding between my door and I. I was under the opinion that my door should open; it on the other hand had some reservations on the matter. While I did eventually resolve this situation by using my finely honed intellect and burgling skills (they teach you that stuff in law school), I have decided put to paper or whatever the hell the internet is written on what to do should you happen to find yourself in such a situation
If I Ran The World’s Top 10 things To Do When You Get Locked Out
#10 – Call everyone you know
#9 – Yell at anyone who is willing to answer your phone call
#8 – Come up with reasons why you’re happy not to have friends anymore
#7 – Spend as much money as possible on items you would otherwise feel guilty buying
#6 – Milk as much sympathy from your friends as you can
#5 – Ask a hot (sympathetic) female friend if you can crash on her couch (thank you for the suggestion Mary)
#4 – Neglect to mention you don’t believe in wearing anything to bed
#3 – Press a bag of frozen peas to those areas suffering from purse beating
#2 – Try unlocking the deadbolt too
#1 – Lie, lie like your life depended on it. Deadbolt? No I totally tried the deadbolt, it must have been broken or something. You think I would just make reservations at a hotel without trying the deabolt?
Jan 11, 2006
Jan 9, 2006
BAH HUMBUG
Today marks the first ever post in the short-life of, “You Know What Bothers Me” to be made from the (cough cough) “city” of Boston. I make mention of this not because Boston is too small and crappy to be called a city, a township maybe, perhaps even a village or hamlet but not a city, but because this marks the beginning of spring semester and so my loyal readers I am here to tell you, if you thought that I was a fussy, ill-tempered, cantankerous old soul before, (I should mention that it really isn’t very nice to judge a person before you meet them, I may after all be very sweet; to those of you who already have met me and know me, well, its still not nice to think) you haven’t seen me when I’m not on vacation. Let the games begin:
Top 5 Things (Aside fro the start of school) That Bother me Today
#1 – The guilt trip – Oh my good god. I don’t know what kind of sick joke this guilt thing is but its sucks the mother load of all monkey nuts. How your irresponsible inconsiderate often incoherent friend can somehow manage to whine and weasel his way into that area reserved for pitying cute animals, with tales of complete and utter incompetence is beyond me. But then again, I guess it could be worse, I could enjoy the sight of fresh road kill.
#2 – The Caraway seed – In case you are not familiar with the Caraway seed AKA “the bane of my existence,” it is a long brownish, well, seed that comes in what is often called “Jewish Rye”. If you’ve ever had a caraway seed you’d recognize it by the crappy taste in your mouth when you bite into what you thought was plain old rye bread. Oftentimes, the evil distributors of the caraway seed, who by the way reside in Dante 6th circle of hell, manage to sneak their repulsive little kernel into the “everything” mix, this is especially bothersome as “everything” really is the best variation of bagel or flatbread flavors. It’s like lifting up the veil from your fiancé’s (Kiera Knightley) face at your wedding and suddenly discovering that overnight she’s grown several big hairy moles all over said face. You may now kiss the bride.
#3 – People who don’t listen to me – How this is still happening is beyond me, I learned to speak at about 2; so this means have been right for some 23 consecutive years now and yet, even with all that history on my side, people continue to argue with me, continue to hold onto the irrational belief that I am ever wrong. It feels like talking to gibbon only at least the gibbon is smart enough to spend its time licking itself rather than trying to justify its wrongness. So to the people who argue with me I say this, try licking yourself instead, you may look just as stupid as you would arguing with me, but at least you won’t exhaust the few brain cells you’ve been allotted.
#4 – Airport Security – You know what, let’s just go ahead and say I am carrying a knife embedded deep within the muscle of my calf, don’t you think that slicing open my leg will be kind of hard considering you’ve already confiscated my toenail clippers. And even if I did somehow manage to tear open the skin of my leg, work my fingers through the well, stuff inside a leg, and finally pull out the secret knife, exactly what am I going to do with it while I bleed to death, give myself stitches?
#5 – The word “Scrod”- say it out loud to yourself a few times, no really try it. You know what scrod is, its fish. You EAT scrod. You don’t scrape it off the side of a boat or sexually transmit it; no you put scrod in your mouth. Allow me to make a comment on the naming of food. If the name of the item you intend to have people eat can be inserted into the following sentences, you may want to consider coming up with a new moniker.
- Everything was going fine, then I told her I had scrod and she wouldn’t even let me touch her
- Jimmy, check your shoes and make sure you didn’t step in any scrod.
- Ewww, it smells like scrod in here (okay in fairness most fish fails this one).
Scrod you fail.
Pandering to Perverts
Jessica Simpson’s jiggly bits
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean The N.Y. Giants
- Jet Blue – I flew to Boston today and had planned on dedicating this column to the inevitable hassles of air travel but surprisingly even in my foul, returning to school mood, I only managed to find one thing to complain about. Kudos Jet Blue. Yes, I know this wasn’t funny.
The Reason Is Because - will remain blank today as I have been lucky enough to spend my time talking to fewer total idiots and because it’s bad form to keep picking on my mom, or so I’m told.
Top 5 Things (Aside fro the start of school) That Bother me Today
#1 – The guilt trip – Oh my good god. I don’t know what kind of sick joke this guilt thing is but its sucks the mother load of all monkey nuts. How your irresponsible inconsiderate often incoherent friend can somehow manage to whine and weasel his way into that area reserved for pitying cute animals, with tales of complete and utter incompetence is beyond me. But then again, I guess it could be worse, I could enjoy the sight of fresh road kill.
#2 – The Caraway seed – In case you are not familiar with the Caraway seed AKA “the bane of my existence,” it is a long brownish, well, seed that comes in what is often called “Jewish Rye”. If you’ve ever had a caraway seed you’d recognize it by the crappy taste in your mouth when you bite into what you thought was plain old rye bread. Oftentimes, the evil distributors of the caraway seed, who by the way reside in Dante 6th circle of hell, manage to sneak their repulsive little kernel into the “everything” mix, this is especially bothersome as “everything” really is the best variation of bagel or flatbread flavors. It’s like lifting up the veil from your fiancé’s (Kiera Knightley) face at your wedding and suddenly discovering that overnight she’s grown several big hairy moles all over said face. You may now kiss the bride.
#3 – People who don’t listen to me – How this is still happening is beyond me, I learned to speak at about 2; so this means have been right for some 23 consecutive years now and yet, even with all that history on my side, people continue to argue with me, continue to hold onto the irrational belief that I am ever wrong. It feels like talking to gibbon only at least the gibbon is smart enough to spend its time licking itself rather than trying to justify its wrongness. So to the people who argue with me I say this, try licking yourself instead, you may look just as stupid as you would arguing with me, but at least you won’t exhaust the few brain cells you’ve been allotted.
#4 – Airport Security – You know what, let’s just go ahead and say I am carrying a knife embedded deep within the muscle of my calf, don’t you think that slicing open my leg will be kind of hard considering you’ve already confiscated my toenail clippers. And even if I did somehow manage to tear open the skin of my leg, work my fingers through the well, stuff inside a leg, and finally pull out the secret knife, exactly what am I going to do with it while I bleed to death, give myself stitches?
#5 – The word “Scrod”- say it out loud to yourself a few times, no really try it. You know what scrod is, its fish. You EAT scrod. You don’t scrape it off the side of a boat or sexually transmit it; no you put scrod in your mouth. Allow me to make a comment on the naming of food. If the name of the item you intend to have people eat can be inserted into the following sentences, you may want to consider coming up with a new moniker.
- Everything was going fine, then I told her I had scrod and she wouldn’t even let me touch her
- Jimmy, check your shoes and make sure you didn’t step in any scrod.
- Ewww, it smells like scrod in here (okay in fairness most fish fails this one).
Scrod you fail.
Pandering to Perverts
Jessica Simpson’s jiggly bits
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean The N.Y. Giants
- Jet Blue – I flew to Boston today and had planned on dedicating this column to the inevitable hassles of air travel but surprisingly even in my foul, returning to school mood, I only managed to find one thing to complain about. Kudos Jet Blue. Yes, I know this wasn’t funny.
The Reason Is Because - will remain blank today as I have been lucky enough to spend my time talking to fewer total idiots and because it’s bad form to keep picking on my mom, or so I’m told.
Jan 5, 2006
THE VALUE OF TEENAGE CHEERLEADERS
So here's an interesting little tidbit, I was looking through the site traffic this morning and I noticed that one of the visitors came to the site by way of a search for the term (wait for it) "tight spandex". While I am aware that one should give people the benefit of the doubt (especially perverts), if you have been reading this blog with any degree of consciousness, you know know I don't. People on the internet are by and large looking for porn, not witty Seinfeldian derivative humor and so sites that can satisfy the search query "teenage cheereaders" have much higher hit counts. As such, I am announcing that from now on there will be a new section in every days post, this section will be entitled "Pandering to Perverts" and it will include a phrase that will match popular internet searches, we may not be able to attract the readers of the "New York Times" but we can load up on the perverts.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Homework over vacation - The word vacation comes from the latin "vacare" to be at leisure, now while I know some of you are unaware of this, I suspect many of those assigned homework over vacation are, those of you in community college feel free to disregard the preceding clause. As such, I would like to understand how exactly reading a case file instead of shoop-shooping my way down a blanket of fluffy snow counts as "leisure". Granted I have spent no actual time doing any of this homework, but knowing that I have to do it, or fake having done it at some indeterminate point in the future weighs on my mind, like saying I'll call you to a girl at the end of a really bad first date. Homework, YOU BOTHER ME.
#2 - Infomercials - I'm sorry, but your product does not have a retail price of $89.95 if you are selling it on TV for $9.95. Furthermore, my faith in your product being worth anything is called into question when my purchase comes free with not one, but two and not only that, with replacement parts for life. How desperate are you to sell these things? It's like a doctor who's so desperate for you to come see him once that when you show up he writes you a perscription for every drug on the market, just in case. But what realllly bugs me is that even though I know all of this, somehow, at 2am it still sounds like a good idea.
#3 - People who don't comment - While I may, much like Hamlet "like a whore, unpack my heart with words." Whores get paid. So if you people want to continue getting your fix of discontentment, I suggest you pay the boatman his fee, and post a freaking comment, you indolent, shiftless, pleasure stealing ingrates. That being said, feel free to make it in the form of a complaint, reader submission day is nigh.
#4 - Canadians - Clean air, clean streets, universal healthcare, polite citizenry, ugh, do I really need to go any farther, what is there to like about these people? Do they even have an army? Because if they don't I totally think we should take 'em. We could have the whole country in like 15 minutes, plus unlike in Iraq, Canadians are much too nice to mount an insurgency.
#5 - Metrosexuals - Men should not under any circumstances require more than 45 seconds in front of a mirror just to walk outside. If you have hair care products that extend beyond shampoo and well if you must, conditioner, you need to go find a surgeon to attach a pair of balls to your groin. To those of you who are suddenly feeling the need to defend your grooming habits, I say this, it's ok to have hair gel, just be aware, odds are before long another guy may be using it as lubricant, on you.
Pandering to Perverts
Teenage lesbian cheerleaders
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Me
- People who comment regularly, even the one who called me egomaniacal, even if he/she did spell it wrong
The Reason Is Because
We didn't get no respect from none of the media - Vince Young, QB, Texas Longhorns
- Ah, the oh so rare triple negative, never has being so very wrong resulted in being almost (but not quite) right.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Homework over vacation - The word vacation comes from the latin "vacare" to be at leisure, now while I know some of you are unaware of this, I suspect many of those assigned homework over vacation are, those of you in community college feel free to disregard the preceding clause. As such, I would like to understand how exactly reading a case file instead of shoop-shooping my way down a blanket of fluffy snow counts as "leisure". Granted I have spent no actual time doing any of this homework, but knowing that I have to do it, or fake having done it at some indeterminate point in the future weighs on my mind, like saying I'll call you to a girl at the end of a really bad first date. Homework, YOU BOTHER ME.
#2 - Infomercials - I'm sorry, but your product does not have a retail price of $89.95 if you are selling it on TV for $9.95. Furthermore, my faith in your product being worth anything is called into question when my purchase comes free with not one, but two and not only that, with replacement parts for life. How desperate are you to sell these things? It's like a doctor who's so desperate for you to come see him once that when you show up he writes you a perscription for every drug on the market, just in case. But what realllly bugs me is that even though I know all of this, somehow, at 2am it still sounds like a good idea.
#3 - People who don't comment - While I may, much like Hamlet "like a whore, unpack my heart with words." Whores get paid. So if you people want to continue getting your fix of discontentment, I suggest you pay the boatman his fee, and post a freaking comment, you indolent, shiftless, pleasure stealing ingrates. That being said, feel free to make it in the form of a complaint, reader submission day is nigh.
#4 - Canadians - Clean air, clean streets, universal healthcare, polite citizenry, ugh, do I really need to go any farther, what is there to like about these people? Do they even have an army? Because if they don't I totally think we should take 'em. We could have the whole country in like 15 minutes, plus unlike in Iraq, Canadians are much too nice to mount an insurgency.
#5 - Metrosexuals - Men should not under any circumstances require more than 45 seconds in front of a mirror just to walk outside. If you have hair care products that extend beyond shampoo and well if you must, conditioner, you need to go find a surgeon to attach a pair of balls to your groin. To those of you who are suddenly feeling the need to defend your grooming habits, I say this, it's ok to have hair gel, just be aware, odds are before long another guy may be using it as lubricant, on you.
Pandering to Perverts
Teenage lesbian cheerleaders
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Me
- People who comment regularly, even the one who called me egomaniacal, even if he/she did spell it wrong
The Reason Is Because
We didn't get no respect from none of the media - Vince Young, QB, Texas Longhorns
- Ah, the oh so rare triple negative, never has being so very wrong resulted in being almost (but not quite) right.
Jan 4, 2006
INGRATES
Seeing as yesterday's post was lacking a "Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today" I feel it is only fair to you, my loyal, yet too lazy to post a comment, readers, to postpone Wednesday's standard reader's submissions column and instead provide you with my own borderline offensive grumblings on what bothers me today.
Top 5 Things (would be 10 but that woud just make me seem hard to please) That Bother Me Today
#1 - Lindsay Lohan's Bulemia and Subsequent umm "Cup Reduction"- My own time spent as a Hollywood icon and movie star gives me some specialized understanding of this situation, let me tell you what was running through her mind. Having become a staggering success at the age of 17, Ms. Lohan decided that, as a woman, the only life goal left for her to accomplish was to lay waste to the happiness of men the world over. So in the selfish and thoughtless manner that has for so long defined celebrity (I was going to say women, but hey, even I know there are some things you can't get away with, at least not without changing certain, shall we say, proclivities, a sacrifice that I am not willing to make for this blog) Ms. Lohan undertook a campaign of reduction and destruction the likes of which man has not seen since they miniaturized the Haggen Daaz ice cream pops at Yankee Stadium (seriously, $4.50 for snack even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't bother puking up?). Fortunately while there is, as of yet, no cure for this plague, there's always airbrushing. Thank you photoshop.
#2 - 50/50 Divoce Split - This one sucks some serious monkey nuts. While this may not be a large consideration for some people, I imagine the divorce settlement of the homeless is pretty much relegated to deciding who gets the box and who gets the shopping cart, not everyone can be so lucky. It's not that I don't think women deserve a portion of the marital wealth, it's that I don't think they deserve my portion.
Author's Note: Should my future wife turn out to be loaded out the wazoo, I would just like to say, I wuuuuuv you and umm, nevermind.
#3 - Cell Phone Headaches - You all know the feeling, you've been talking on the phone for a good little bit when you suddenly notice the phone and your ear is kind of hot. You hang up and then you realize your head kind of hurts. Then the worries start to creep in, is there any validity to those rumors about cell phones causing brain tumors? Is my ear going to turn into a radioactive nightlight? Is this true about laptops too? Are my boys done swimming? Am I going to die and not be able to have children? Is paranoia a symptom of brain tumors? Argh. I just wish they'd decide already.
#4 - Horoscopes - Oh my God, someone please smack some sense into these people. There are like a third of a BILLION, that's 333 million people born in the same sign you are, you know what that means? It means that all those perfect predictions Cosmo made for you are true of Deepahk Monopigahela, the guy who washes the cisterns clean of urine stains in Pakistani prisons and Brandi Starz, the transvestite hooker/heroin addict, gives new meaning to "a career opportunity awaits you," doesn't it?
#5 - Vegetarians - I just can't trust someone who isn't willing to sink their teeth into the flesh of another mammal. I mean really, if you aren't willing to demonstrate the superiority of the human race over animals by celebrating the carnivore inside you, how can I trust you to defend me from the mob of crazed club wielding umm "fans" who may come after me should my blog ever become widely publicized. On second thought, you know what we need more of, cannibals! Give me a good old grass skirt wearing, nose pierced, man eating native as a bodyguard/fan and no one will start up with me, then again, most cannibals can't read. Damn my fame.
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Jim Sokoloff
- Larry David on "Brokeback Mountain" Thank you Larry for saying what needed to be heard, even though it may offend, not that there's anything wrong with that.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/01/opinion/01david.html?incamp=article_popular
The Reason Is Because
"Do Jews wear those things on their heads because they're bald underneath?" - Cashier at grocery in Boston.
And people say the public school system isn't working.
Top 5 Things (would be 10 but that woud just make me seem hard to please) That Bother Me Today
#1 - Lindsay Lohan's Bulemia and Subsequent umm "Cup Reduction"- My own time spent as a Hollywood icon and movie star gives me some specialized understanding of this situation, let me tell you what was running through her mind. Having become a staggering success at the age of 17, Ms. Lohan decided that, as a woman, the only life goal left for her to accomplish was to lay waste to the happiness of men the world over. So in the selfish and thoughtless manner that has for so long defined celebrity (I was going to say women, but hey, even I know there are some things you can't get away with, at least not without changing certain, shall we say, proclivities, a sacrifice that I am not willing to make for this blog) Ms. Lohan undertook a campaign of reduction and destruction the likes of which man has not seen since they miniaturized the Haggen Daaz ice cream pops at Yankee Stadium (seriously, $4.50 for snack even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't bother puking up?). Fortunately while there is, as of yet, no cure for this plague, there's always airbrushing. Thank you photoshop.
#2 - 50/50 Divoce Split - This one sucks some serious monkey nuts. While this may not be a large consideration for some people, I imagine the divorce settlement of the homeless is pretty much relegated to deciding who gets the box and who gets the shopping cart, not everyone can be so lucky. It's not that I don't think women deserve a portion of the marital wealth, it's that I don't think they deserve my portion.
Author's Note: Should my future wife turn out to be loaded out the wazoo, I would just like to say, I wuuuuuv you and umm, nevermind.
#3 - Cell Phone Headaches - You all know the feeling, you've been talking on the phone for a good little bit when you suddenly notice the phone and your ear is kind of hot. You hang up and then you realize your head kind of hurts. Then the worries start to creep in, is there any validity to those rumors about cell phones causing brain tumors? Is my ear going to turn into a radioactive nightlight? Is this true about laptops too? Are my boys done swimming? Am I going to die and not be able to have children? Is paranoia a symptom of brain tumors? Argh. I just wish they'd decide already.
#4 - Horoscopes - Oh my God, someone please smack some sense into these people. There are like a third of a BILLION, that's 333 million people born in the same sign you are, you know what that means? It means that all those perfect predictions Cosmo made for you are true of Deepahk Monopigahela, the guy who washes the cisterns clean of urine stains in Pakistani prisons and Brandi Starz, the transvestite hooker/heroin addict, gives new meaning to "a career opportunity awaits you," doesn't it?
#5 - Vegetarians - I just can't trust someone who isn't willing to sink their teeth into the flesh of another mammal. I mean really, if you aren't willing to demonstrate the superiority of the human race over animals by celebrating the carnivore inside you, how can I trust you to defend me from the mob of crazed club wielding umm "fans" who may come after me should my blog ever become widely publicized. On second thought, you know what we need more of, cannibals! Give me a good old grass skirt wearing, nose pierced, man eating native as a bodyguard/fan and no one will start up with me, then again, most cannibals can't read. Damn my fame.
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Jim Sokoloff
- Larry David on "Brokeback Mountain" Thank you Larry for saying what needed to be heard, even though it may offend, not that there's anything wrong with that.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/01/opinion/01david.html?incamp=article_popular
The Reason Is Because
"Do Jews wear those things on their heads because they're bald underneath?" - Cashier at grocery in Boston.
And people say the public school system isn't working.
Jan 3, 2006
I HATE RESPONSIBILITIES
Ladies and Gentleman, today I'm will not be posting a top 5 list, instead I want to use this forum to pose a question (and save time to do my H.W.) to you all, or if you sleep with your relatives, are unaware of the fact that participles end with the letters "ing" not "in" and eat squirrel meat, y'all. Some of you may be married and some others of you may have lives, still others of you may fall into neither of those categories (to you I say, thank you for making me feel better about my life). Anyway, here it is;
What is the meanest, vilest, most awful thing you've ever done? aside of course from laughing at this blog.
Personal Update
For the first time in my 25 years I have, wait for it, boiled an egg, gotta say, kind of a letdown.
Who I Like Today And (I Promise) I Don't Mean Clay Aiken
The creators of this website, thank you, just thank you.
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
The Reason Is Because
Drew Gooden Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
Interviewer - "Why do you think you won tonight Drew?"
Drew Gooden - "We competed tonight."
And the prize for most oblivious understatement of the day goes to Drew Gooden, thank you Drew for pointing out that in order to win a game, one must be playing in a game. Incidentaly Drew, congratulations on making this list twice. While being dumber than the progeny of retarded siblings from the south must be kind of a downer, at least you know your dead body will be worth a crapload, maybe even a crap and a half; scientists have been looking for the missing link for a while now.
What is the meanest, vilest, most awful thing you've ever done? aside of course from laughing at this blog.
Personal Update
For the first time in my 25 years I have, wait for it, boiled an egg, gotta say, kind of a letdown.
Who I Like Today And (I Promise) I Don't Mean Clay Aiken
The creators of this website, thank you, just thank you.
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
The Reason Is Because
Drew Gooden Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
Interviewer - "Why do you think you won tonight Drew?"
Drew Gooden - "We competed tonight."
And the prize for most oblivious understatement of the day goes to Drew Gooden, thank you Drew for pointing out that in order to win a game, one must be playing in a game. Incidentaly Drew, congratulations on making this list twice. While being dumber than the progeny of retarded siblings from the south must be kind of a downer, at least you know your dead body will be worth a crapload, maybe even a crap and a half; scientists have been looking for the missing link for a while now.
Jan 2, 2006
OBNOXIOUS: adj. Offensive or odious
Yadda yadda yadda I’ve never been slapped, here it is:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – New Years – What exactly are these people celebrating? The fact that they have closed the books on the fiscal year? Wooo hooo!! I feel like I should have more to say about this but it’s just so utterly random.
#2 – People who ask “who is that” during a movie when you’ve both been there just as long – I don’t understand these people, exactly what is running through your mind? Do you think that I’ve come to the movie with some special knowledge? That they have secret screenings for people who are going to be seeing the movie with retards? How in G-d’s good name am I going to know more about the 3 minute old movie than you are? Arrrrrgh. Mom, you bother me.
Note: To all of you who think I just called my mom a retard I just want to say, she’s a really good cook.
#3 – People who talk authoritatively about subjects in which they have no specialized knowledge – Why, why, WHY? That these people feel qualified to make comments on subjects like military tactics, fluid dynamics and corporate strategy boggles my mind. These people whose qualifications are limited to knowing the best place to get shwarma at 2am fill the air with such pomposity it’s almost as if they exist in a cloud of their own noxious gas. To you people I just have one thing to say, every second you are alive is a waste of oxygen.
#4 – People who fail so often that everyone lowers expectations for them – Just because you have been late to everything for the last 11 years should not mean it’s acceptable. No, you cannot call 17 hours after we were supposed to meet and say “yeah, it doesn’t look like I’m going to make it.” I am sure that I am not the only one with a friend like that and so I have a suggestion for all my readers. The next time one of your chronically unreliable friends proves himself to be, once again, unreliable, beat him. Beat him with dense blunt objects, like say, a lead pipe or the arm from a mannequin, don’t kill him or anything, just maim him so that next time he’s late you can ask, “Problem getting into your wheelchair?”
#5 – Fat people in tight clothes – I know this has been a rough couple of days for fat people here on “You Know What Bothers Me” (well lets face it, your entire life is probably pretty rough, filling though) but I have one more thing to add. I understand that it is important for you to have self confidence, to look at yourself in the mirror, or mirrors if you are especially large, and be able to say to yourself that you like what you see. But please! When these delusions lead to you walking around outside, in public, where other people are forced to look at you, they result in the inestimable suffering of thousands. So please before you decide spandex is a good idea try thinking of this; there are no good rolls of fat, big is not beautiful, and while there may be more of you to love, there’s also a crapload more to hate.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean A.E. Housman
The 2004 National Spelling Bee on ESPN 2
Have you seen these kids before, it’s like they’ve come out of that pod Keanu Reeves was in, in the Matrix. They study for what I imagine must be hours on end each day eschewing exposure to trivial things like, people, sunlight and TV only to find themselves on stage twitching and stuttering as their fate comes down to spelling LUBAVITCHER that's right, LUBAVITCHER. L-O-S-E-R. Bet now you wish you’d spent your time watching TV .
The Reason Is Because
"You is wrong" – Microsoft Word grammar correction suggestion
Clearly Microsoft hasn’t quite solved the Ebonics bug.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – New Years – What exactly are these people celebrating? The fact that they have closed the books on the fiscal year? Wooo hooo!! I feel like I should have more to say about this but it’s just so utterly random.
#2 – People who ask “who is that” during a movie when you’ve both been there just as long – I don’t understand these people, exactly what is running through your mind? Do you think that I’ve come to the movie with some special knowledge? That they have secret screenings for people who are going to be seeing the movie with retards? How in G-d’s good name am I going to know more about the 3 minute old movie than you are? Arrrrrgh. Mom, you bother me.
Note: To all of you who think I just called my mom a retard I just want to say, she’s a really good cook.
#3 – People who talk authoritatively about subjects in which they have no specialized knowledge – Why, why, WHY? That these people feel qualified to make comments on subjects like military tactics, fluid dynamics and corporate strategy boggles my mind. These people whose qualifications are limited to knowing the best place to get shwarma at 2am fill the air with such pomposity it’s almost as if they exist in a cloud of their own noxious gas. To you people I just have one thing to say, every second you are alive is a waste of oxygen.
#4 – People who fail so often that everyone lowers expectations for them – Just because you have been late to everything for the last 11 years should not mean it’s acceptable. No, you cannot call 17 hours after we were supposed to meet and say “yeah, it doesn’t look like I’m going to make it.” I am sure that I am not the only one with a friend like that and so I have a suggestion for all my readers. The next time one of your chronically unreliable friends proves himself to be, once again, unreliable, beat him. Beat him with dense blunt objects, like say, a lead pipe or the arm from a mannequin, don’t kill him or anything, just maim him so that next time he’s late you can ask, “Problem getting into your wheelchair?”
#5 – Fat people in tight clothes – I know this has been a rough couple of days for fat people here on “You Know What Bothers Me” (well lets face it, your entire life is probably pretty rough, filling though) but I have one more thing to add. I understand that it is important for you to have self confidence, to look at yourself in the mirror, or mirrors if you are especially large, and be able to say to yourself that you like what you see. But please! When these delusions lead to you walking around outside, in public, where other people are forced to look at you, they result in the inestimable suffering of thousands. So please before you decide spandex is a good idea try thinking of this; there are no good rolls of fat, big is not beautiful, and while there may be more of you to love, there’s also a crapload more to hate.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean A.E. Housman
The 2004 National Spelling Bee on ESPN 2
Have you seen these kids before, it’s like they’ve come out of that pod Keanu Reeves was in, in the Matrix. They study for what I imagine must be hours on end each day eschewing exposure to trivial things like, people, sunlight and TV only to find themselves on stage twitching and stuttering as their fate comes down to spelling LUBAVITCHER that's right, LUBAVITCHER. L-O-S-E-R. Bet now you wish you’d spent your time watching TV .
The Reason Is Because
"You is wrong" – Microsoft Word grammar correction suggestion
Clearly Microsoft hasn’t quite solved the Ebonics bug.
Jan 1, 2006
SLOTH
I am glad to announce with the coming of the "New Year" the introduction of a new weekly advice column. While this column will normally run on Mondays, its initial appearance will be today. Sorry folks but I'm not feeling particularly whiny at the moment and I wouldn't want to undermine the integrity of the "Top 5 Things That Bother me Today" with manufactured anger. So here it is for your reading pleasure:
If I Ran The World's
Top 10 Ways To Woo Women (how much fun is that to say?)
#10 - Ignore them - while this advice has been given before, I feel it bears repeating
#9 - Buy her a gym membership - nothing says you like a girl like showing her you're interested in having her lose a few pounds
#8 - Describe in detail the role she played in your dream last night
#7 - Rate her performance in said dream
#6 - Offer her the chance to prove she can do better
#5 - Poke fun at all of her flaws - There's nothing like destroying a girls self-confidence to increase the odds of her agreeing to go out with you
#4 - Remind her as often as possible that a woman's place is in the kitchen, or wherever a diaper needs changing, a carpet vaccuming or clothes washing.
#3 - Tell her you've always been attracted to girl's who werent concerned about their looks - see note to #5
#2 - Tell her you "love her" at inappropriately early time
#1 - Lie - To all the women reading this, did I mention I run a multi-million dollar generating website?
If there is anyone out there who disagrees with this list, or in the more likely case, applauds it, but feels that I may have missed one or two tricks, please feel free to make use of the comment board. If your comment is reasonably valid, you may even make Wednesday's reader submission column. Until then, keep reading, like you could stop.
If I Ran The World's
Top 10 Ways To Woo Women (how much fun is that to say?)
#10 - Ignore them - while this advice has been given before, I feel it bears repeating
#9 - Buy her a gym membership - nothing says you like a girl like showing her you're interested in having her lose a few pounds
#8 - Describe in detail the role she played in your dream last night
#7 - Rate her performance in said dream
#6 - Offer her the chance to prove she can do better
#5 - Poke fun at all of her flaws - There's nothing like destroying a girls self-confidence to increase the odds of her agreeing to go out with you
#4 - Remind her as often as possible that a woman's place is in the kitchen, or wherever a diaper needs changing, a carpet vaccuming or clothes washing.
#3 - Tell her you've always been attracted to girl's who werent concerned about their looks - see note to #5
#2 - Tell her you "love her" at inappropriately early time
#1 - Lie - To all the women reading this, did I mention I run a multi-million dollar generating website?
If there is anyone out there who disagrees with this list, or in the more likely case, applauds it, but feels that I may have missed one or two tricks, please feel free to make use of the comment board. If your comment is reasonably valid, you may even make Wednesday's reader submission column. Until then, keep reading, like you could stop.
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