So here's an interesting little tidbit, I was looking through the site traffic this morning and I noticed that one of the visitors came to the site by way of a search for the term (wait for it) "tight spandex". While I am aware that one should give people the benefit of the doubt (especially perverts), if you have been reading this blog with any degree of consciousness, you know know I don't. People on the internet are by and large looking for porn, not witty Seinfeldian derivative humor and so sites that can satisfy the search query "teenage cheereaders" have much higher hit counts. As such, I am announcing that from now on there will be a new section in every days post, this section will be entitled "Pandering to Perverts" and it will include a phrase that will match popular internet searches, we may not be able to attract the readers of the "New York Times" but we can load up on the perverts.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Homework over vacation - The word vacation comes from the latin "vacare" to be at leisure, now while I know some of you are unaware of this, I suspect many of those assigned homework over vacation are, those of you in community college feel free to disregard the preceding clause. As such, I would like to understand how exactly reading a case file instead of shoop-shooping my way down a blanket of fluffy snow counts as "leisure". Granted I have spent no actual time doing any of this homework, but knowing that I have to do it, or fake having done it at some indeterminate point in the future weighs on my mind, like saying I'll call you to a girl at the end of a really bad first date. Homework, YOU BOTHER ME.
#2 - Infomercials - I'm sorry, but your product does not have a retail price of $89.95 if you are selling it on TV for $9.95. Furthermore, my faith in your product being worth anything is called into question when my purchase comes free with not one, but two and not only that, with replacement parts for life. How desperate are you to sell these things? It's like a doctor who's so desperate for you to come see him once that when you show up he writes you a perscription for every drug on the market, just in case. But what realllly bugs me is that even though I know all of this, somehow, at 2am it still sounds like a good idea.
#3 - People who don't comment - While I may, much like Hamlet "like a whore, unpack my heart with words." Whores get paid. So if you people want to continue getting your fix of discontentment, I suggest you pay the boatman his fee, and post a freaking comment, you indolent, shiftless, pleasure stealing ingrates. That being said, feel free to make it in the form of a complaint, reader submission day is nigh.
#4 - Canadians - Clean air, clean streets, universal healthcare, polite citizenry, ugh, do I really need to go any farther, what is there to like about these people? Do they even have an army? Because if they don't I totally think we should take 'em. We could have the whole country in like 15 minutes, plus unlike in Iraq, Canadians are much too nice to mount an insurgency.
#5 - Metrosexuals - Men should not under any circumstances require more than 45 seconds in front of a mirror just to walk outside. If you have hair care products that extend beyond shampoo and well if you must, conditioner, you need to go find a surgeon to attach a pair of balls to your groin. To those of you who are suddenly feeling the need to defend your grooming habits, I say this, it's ok to have hair gel, just be aware, odds are before long another guy may be using it as lubricant, on you.
Pandering to Perverts
Teenage lesbian cheerleaders
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Me
- People who comment regularly, even the one who called me egomaniacal, even if he/she did spell it wrong
The Reason Is Because
We didn't get no respect from none of the media - Vince Young, QB, Texas Longhorns
- Ah, the oh so rare triple negative, never has being so very wrong resulted in being almost (but not quite) right.
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If you were to put on a little skirt and varsity sweater, you'd look almost like a teenage cheerleader.
ReplyDeleteWay to rant there buddy. Nice way to make people want to comment.
And by the way, the fact that a man uses hair gel does not mean that he's gay, or even close to it. What if he has long or curly hair and needs to tame it?
I agree with coaldat....get a spellcheck man. PS - feel free to use a period every once and again.
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