BAH HUMBUG

Today marks the first ever post in the short-life of, “You Know What Bothers Me” to be made from the (cough cough) “city” of Boston. I make mention of this not because Boston is too small and crappy to be called a city, a township maybe, perhaps even a village or hamlet but not a city, but because this marks the beginning of spring semester and so my loyal readers I am here to tell you, if you thought that I was a fussy, ill-tempered, cantankerous old soul before, (I should mention that it really isn’t very nice to judge a person before you meet them, I may after all be very sweet; to those of you who already have met me and know me, well, its still not nice to think) you haven’t seen me when I’m not on vacation. Let the games begin:

Top 5 Things (Aside fro the start of school) That Bother me Today
#1 – The guilt trip – Oh my good god. I don’t know what kind of sick joke this guilt thing is but its sucks the mother load of all monkey nuts. How your irresponsible inconsiderate often incoherent friend can somehow manage to whine and weasel his way into that area reserved for pitying cute animals, with tales of complete and utter incompetence is beyond me. But then again, I guess it could be worse, I could enjoy the sight of fresh road kill.

#2 – The Caraway seed – In case you are not familiar with the Caraway seed AKA “the bane of my existence,” it is a long brownish, well, seed that comes in what is often called “Jewish Rye”. If you’ve ever had a caraway seed you’d recognize it by the crappy taste in your mouth when you bite into what you thought was plain old rye bread. Oftentimes, the evil distributors of the caraway seed, who by the way reside in Dante 6th circle of hell, manage to sneak their repulsive little kernel into the “everything” mix, this is especially bothersome as “everything” really is the best variation of bagel or flatbread flavors. It’s like lifting up the veil from your fiancé’s (Kiera Knightley) face at your wedding and suddenly discovering that overnight she’s grown several big hairy moles all over said face. You may now kiss the bride.

#3 – People who don’t listen to me – How this is still happening is beyond me, I learned to speak at about 2; so this means have been right for some 23 consecutive years now and yet, even with all that history on my side, people continue to argue with me, continue to hold onto the irrational belief that I am ever wrong. It feels like talking to gibbon only at least the gibbon is smart enough to spend its time licking itself rather than trying to justify its wrongness. So to the people who argue with me I say this, try licking yourself instead, you may look just as stupid as you would arguing with me, but at least you won’t exhaust the few brain cells you’ve been allotted.

#4 – Airport Security – You know what, let’s just go ahead and say I am carrying a knife embedded deep within the muscle of my calf, don’t you think that slicing open my leg will be kind of hard considering you’ve already confiscated my toenail clippers. And even if I did somehow manage to tear open the skin of my leg, work my fingers through the well, stuff inside a leg, and finally pull out the secret knife, exactly what am I going to do with it while I bleed to death, give myself stitches?

#5 – The word “Scrod”- say it out loud to yourself a few times, no really try it. You know what scrod is, its fish. You EAT scrod. You don’t scrape it off the side of a boat or sexually transmit it; no you put scrod in your mouth. Allow me to make a comment on the naming of food. If the name of the item you intend to have people eat can be inserted into the following sentences, you may want to consider coming up with a new moniker.
- Everything was going fine, then I told her I had scrod and she wouldn’t even let me touch her
- Jimmy, check your shoes and make sure you didn’t step in any scrod.
- Ewww, it smells like scrod in here (okay in fairness most fish fails this one).
Scrod you fail.

Pandering to Perverts
Jessica Simpson’s jiggly bits

Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean The N.Y. Giants
- Jet Blue – I flew to Boston today and had planned on dedicating this column to the inevitable hassles of air travel but surprisingly even in my foul, returning to school mood, I only managed to find one thing to complain about. Kudos Jet Blue. Yes, I know this wasn’t funny.

The Reason Is Because - will remain blank today as I have been lucky enough to spend my time talking to fewer total idiots and because it’s bad form to keep picking on my mom, or so I’m told.