SLOTH

I am glad to announce with the coming of the "New Year" the introduction of a new weekly advice column. While this column will normally run on Mondays, its initial appearance will be today. Sorry folks but I'm not feeling particularly whiny at the moment and I wouldn't want to undermine the integrity of the "Top 5 Things That Bother me Today" with manufactured anger. So here it is for your reading pleasure:

If I Ran The World's
Top 10 Ways To Woo Women (how much fun is that to say?)
#10 - Ignore them - while this advice has been given before, I feel it bears repeating
#9 - Buy her a gym membership - nothing says you like a girl like showing her you're interested in having her lose a few pounds
#8 - Describe in detail the role she played in your dream last night
#7 - Rate her performance in said dream
#6 - Offer her the chance to prove she can do better
#5 - Poke fun at all of her flaws - There's nothing like destroying a girls self-confidence to increase the odds of her agreeing to go out with you
#4 - Remind her as often as possible that a woman's place is in the kitchen, or wherever a diaper needs changing, a carpet vaccuming or clothes washing.
#3 - Tell her you've always been attracted to girl's who werent concerned about their looks - see note to #5
#2 - Tell her you "love her" at inappropriately early time
#1 - Lie - To all the women reading this, did I mention I run a multi-million dollar generating website?

If there is anyone out there who disagrees with this list, or in the more likely case, applauds it, but feels that I may have missed one or two tricks, please feel free to make use of the comment board. If your comment is reasonably valid, you may even make Wednesday's reader submission column. Until then, keep reading, like you could stop.