OBNOXIOUS: adj. Offensive or odious

Yadda yadda yadda I’ve never been slapped, here it is:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 – New Years – What exactly are these people celebrating? The fact that they have closed the books on the fiscal year? Wooo hooo!! I feel like I should have more to say about this but it’s just so utterly random.

#2 – People who ask “who is that” during a movie when you’ve both been there just as long – I don’t understand these people, exactly what is running through your mind? Do you think that I’ve come to the movie with some special knowledge? That they have secret screenings for people who are going to be seeing the movie with retards? How in G-d’s good name am I going to know more about the 3 minute old movie than you are? Arrrrrgh. Mom, you bother me.
Note: To all of you who think I just called my mom a retard I just want to say, she’s a really good cook.

#3 – People who talk authoritatively about subjects in which they have no specialized knowledge – Why, why, WHY? That these people feel qualified to make comments on subjects like military tactics, fluid dynamics and corporate strategy boggles my mind. These people whose qualifications are limited to knowing the best place to get shwarma at 2am fill the air with such pomposity it’s almost as if they exist in a cloud of their own noxious gas. To you people I just have one thing to say, every second you are alive is a waste of oxygen.

#4 – People who fail so often that everyone lowers expectations for them – Just because you have been late to everything for the last 11 years should not mean it’s acceptable. No, you cannot call 17 hours after we were supposed to meet and say “yeah, it doesn’t look like I’m going to make it.” I am sure that I am not the only one with a friend like that and so I have a suggestion for all my readers. The next time one of your chronically unreliable friends proves himself to be, once again, unreliable, beat him. Beat him with dense blunt objects, like say, a lead pipe or the arm from a mannequin, don’t kill him or anything, just maim him so that next time he’s late you can ask, “Problem getting into your wheelchair?”

#5 – Fat people in tight clothes – I know this has been a rough couple of days for fat people here on “You Know What Bothers Me” (well lets face it, your entire life is probably pretty rough, filling though) but I have one more thing to add. I understand that it is important for you to have self confidence, to look at yourself in the mirror, or mirrors if you are especially large, and be able to say to yourself that you like what you see. But please! When these delusions lead to you walking around outside, in public, where other people are forced to look at you, they result in the inestimable suffering of thousands. So please before you decide spandex is a good idea try thinking of this; there are no good rolls of fat, big is not beautiful, and while there may be more of you to love, there’s also a crapload more to hate.

Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean A.E. Housman
The 2004 National Spelling Bee on ESPN 2
Have you seen these kids before, it’s like they’ve come out of that pod Keanu Reeves was in, in the Matrix. They study for what I imagine must be hours on end each day eschewing exposure to trivial things like, people, sunlight and TV only to find themselves on stage twitching and stuttering as their fate comes down to spelling LUBAVITCHER that's right, LUBAVITCHER. L-O-S-E-R. Bet now you wish you’d spent your time watching TV .

The Reason Is Because
"You is wrong" – Microsoft Word grammar correction suggestion
Clearly Microsoft hasn’t quite solved the Ebonics bug.