INGRATES

Seeing as yesterday's post was lacking a "Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today" I feel it is only fair to you, my loyal, yet too lazy to post a comment, readers, to postpone Wednesday's standard reader's submissions column and instead provide you with my own borderline offensive grumblings on what bothers me today.

Top 5 Things (would be 10 but that woud just make me seem hard to please) That Bother Me Today

#1 - Lindsay Lohan's Bulemia and Subsequent umm "Cup Reduction"- My own time spent as a Hollywood icon and movie star gives me some specialized understanding of this situation, let me tell you what was running through her mind. Having become a staggering success at the age of 17, Ms. Lohan decided that, as a woman, the only life goal left for her to accomplish was to lay waste to the happiness of men the world over. So in the selfish and thoughtless manner that has for so long defined celebrity (I was going to say women, but hey, even I know there are some things you can't get away with, at least not without changing certain, shall we say, proclivities, a sacrifice that I am not willing to make for this blog) Ms. Lohan undertook a campaign of reduction and destruction the likes of which man has not seen since they miniaturized the Haggen Daaz ice cream pops at Yankee Stadium (seriously, $4.50 for snack even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't bother puking up?). Fortunately while there is, as of yet, no cure for this plague, there's always airbrushing. Thank you photoshop.

#2 - 50/50 Divoce Split - This one sucks some serious monkey nuts. While this may not be a large consideration for some people, I imagine the divorce settlement of the homeless is pretty much relegated to deciding who gets the box and who gets the shopping cart, not everyone can be so lucky. It's not that I don't think women deserve a portion of the marital wealth, it's that I don't think they deserve my portion.
Author's Note: Should my future wife turn out to be loaded out the wazoo, I would just like to say, I wuuuuuv you and umm, nevermind.

#3 - Cell Phone Headaches - You all know the feeling, you've been talking on the phone for a good little bit when you suddenly notice the phone and your ear is kind of hot. You hang up and then you realize your head kind of hurts. Then the worries start to creep in, is there any validity to those rumors about cell phones causing brain tumors? Is my ear going to turn into a radioactive nightlight? Is this true about laptops too? Are my boys done swimming? Am I going to die and not be able to have children? Is paranoia a symptom of brain tumors? Argh. I just wish they'd decide already.

#4 - Horoscopes - Oh my God, someone please smack some sense into these people. There are like a third of a BILLION, that's 333 million people born in the same sign you are, you know what that means? It means that all those perfect predictions Cosmo made for you are true of Deepahk Monopigahela, the guy who washes the cisterns clean of urine stains in Pakistani prisons and Brandi Starz, the transvestite hooker/heroin addict, gives new meaning to "a career opportunity awaits you," doesn't it?

#5 - Vegetarians - I just can't trust someone who isn't willing to sink their teeth into the flesh of another mammal. I mean really, if you aren't willing to demonstrate the superiority of the human race over animals by celebrating the carnivore inside you, how can I trust you to defend me from the mob of crazed club wielding umm "fans" who may come after me should my blog ever become widely publicized. On second thought, you know what we need more of, cannibals! Give me a good old grass skirt wearing, nose pierced, man eating native as a bodyguard/fan and no one will start up with me, then again, most cannibals can't read. Damn my fame.

Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Jim Sokoloff
- Larry David on "Brokeback Mountain" Thank you Larry for saying what needed to be heard, even though it may offend, not that there's anything wrong with that.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/01/opinion/01david.html?incamp=article_popular

The Reason Is Because
"Do Jews wear those things on their heads because they're bald underneath?" - Cashier at grocery in Boston.
And people say the public school system isn't working.