I have hearings the next two days and so I have decided that in the interests of not getting sued by my clients, I will be refraining from posting until a later, but as yet, undetermined date.
Me
Jan 23, 2006
Jan 22, 2006
SOCKS AND THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE
Welcome back from my self imposed long weekend. I feel that every so often, in order for the creative juices society calls "hatred" to be refreshed, I must take a few days off from venting and allow the pressure to build. Having thus, satisfied this recuperative requirement I am ready to provide you with my bitterness.
A few words of introduction:
Every now and then I come across an activity I find so utterly confounding that I find the need to devote an entire day's post to understand its' absurdity, that activity is, today, LAUNDRY. So here they are:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me About Laundry
#1 - Fading – Ok, so I get that the more you wash something, the more the color will fade, that makes sense to me, there are dyes in the material that get washed out with each successive treatment. What I don’t understand, what keeps from trusting that the Maytag repairman is the kindly old soul the commercials make him out to be is that my already white undershirts, somehow come out less white after being washed. White is the absence of color, the ABSENCE of color, so shouldn’t a faded white shirt be even whiter than when it started. I’m just saying it's illogical, AND IT BOTHERS ME!
#2 - Missing socks – I know, I know everyone has commented on the disappearing sock but what I didn’t realize until I actually did my laundry, and by “did” I mean stood in the room and watched while someone else did it for me, is that it’s actually true; socks really do just vanish! How is this not a matter of national security? If socks can just magically escape from the confines of a washing machine how can we ever consider ourselves truly safe from terrorism? We need to have scientists, men with protractors and a deep and comprehensive understanding of the unified string theory working on this problem. In the meantime, I’m looking for a gray and green argyle sock.
#3 - Folding – The deceptive nature of laundry is that while you may have finished washing and drying the clothes themselves the work for you is not done. No, because now that hot and toasty fresh load has to be folded. This situation is much akin to climbing Everest, thinking you’ve reached the summit, congratulating yourself on overcoming hypothermia, oxygen deprivation, and common sense, only to find that you still have another 500 feet left to go. It’s even worse when you get abandoned by your sherpa at the faux peak and have to actually do the folding yourself instead of, you know, watching someone else do it.
#4 - The dryer cycle lasts longer than washer’s – It’s 12:30 am your ready for bed and your load of wash is done, you want to just throw it into the dryer and go relax, but no, you still have to wait another 20 minutes until the dryer is done with the previous load. Argh! This ranks right up there with 12 hot dogs to a package and 8 buns to a bag, Paris Hilton and television, and those two chemicals you had to mix to make an explosive from “Die Hard 3” as perhaps the worst conceived combination in the history of man.
#5 - Those stupid tags – First of all, what’s the story with the laundering instruction tags that don’t even deign to use words, when did being an expert in hieroglyphics become a prerequisite to washing underwear? But more importantly, do those instructions actually mean anything? If I wash my boxers (thus ends the boxers or briefs mystery) in warm water instead of cold are they going to cease functioning? Are they going to change colors or take the vanishing sock escape route and disappear? And if not, why have them, to justify all those buttons on the washing machine?
A few words of introduction:
Every now and then I come across an activity I find so utterly confounding that I find the need to devote an entire day's post to understand its' absurdity, that activity is, today, LAUNDRY. So here they are:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me About Laundry
#1 - Fading – Ok, so I get that the more you wash something, the more the color will fade, that makes sense to me, there are dyes in the material that get washed out with each successive treatment. What I don’t understand, what keeps from trusting that the Maytag repairman is the kindly old soul the commercials make him out to be is that my already white undershirts, somehow come out less white after being washed. White is the absence of color, the ABSENCE of color, so shouldn’t a faded white shirt be even whiter than when it started. I’m just saying it's illogical, AND IT BOTHERS ME!
#2 - Missing socks – I know, I know everyone has commented on the disappearing sock but what I didn’t realize until I actually did my laundry, and by “did” I mean stood in the room and watched while someone else did it for me, is that it’s actually true; socks really do just vanish! How is this not a matter of national security? If socks can just magically escape from the confines of a washing machine how can we ever consider ourselves truly safe from terrorism? We need to have scientists, men with protractors and a deep and comprehensive understanding of the unified string theory working on this problem. In the meantime, I’m looking for a gray and green argyle sock.
#3 - Folding – The deceptive nature of laundry is that while you may have finished washing and drying the clothes themselves the work for you is not done. No, because now that hot and toasty fresh load has to be folded. This situation is much akin to climbing Everest, thinking you’ve reached the summit, congratulating yourself on overcoming hypothermia, oxygen deprivation, and common sense, only to find that you still have another 500 feet left to go. It’s even worse when you get abandoned by your sherpa at the faux peak and have to actually do the folding yourself instead of, you know, watching someone else do it.
#4 - The dryer cycle lasts longer than washer’s – It’s 12:30 am your ready for bed and your load of wash is done, you want to just throw it into the dryer and go relax, but no, you still have to wait another 20 minutes until the dryer is done with the previous load. Argh! This ranks right up there with 12 hot dogs to a package and 8 buns to a bag, Paris Hilton and television, and those two chemicals you had to mix to make an explosive from “Die Hard 3” as perhaps the worst conceived combination in the history of man.
#5 - Those stupid tags – First of all, what’s the story with the laundering instruction tags that don’t even deign to use words, when did being an expert in hieroglyphics become a prerequisite to washing underwear? But more importantly, do those instructions actually mean anything? If I wash my boxers (thus ends the boxers or briefs mystery) in warm water instead of cold are they going to cease functioning? Are they going to change colors or take the vanishing sock escape route and disappear? And if not, why have them, to justify all those buttons on the washing machine?
Jan 18, 2006
LUCIFER, THE SOUL CRUSHING DEMON
With the advent of the undergraduate semester it has occured to me, LUCIFER, THE SOUL CRUSHING DEMON (copyright by Gibs 2006), that there will be readers who are completely new to this blog. If that is indeed the case for you I suggest you click these links to familiarize yourself with the sections within each days column. http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/let-there-be-sarcasm.html and http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2006/01/value-of-teenage-cheerleaders.html. With those links, and a healthy understanding of hatred, you should be well equipped to enjoy my blog. So without anymore dilly dallying (I must have been English in another life), here's today's top 5:
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - High School Girls - (As per request, read comments to yestedays post) Ok, so I don't really know much about high school girls, and what I did know is probably no longer true, however, I have in recent weeks seen commercials for "The O.C." and "Smallville" so I can tell you that high school girls are petty snobs who are only willing to date superheros or men who are dating their sister while they are home from some sort of private school where hot girls congregate.
#2 - Wind - As I've discussed in the past, I hate rain, rain blows like a pornstar, but while rain does suck, I can deal with it. What I cannot stand, however, is rain with wind. I honestly do not think that God ever meant for rain to fall sideways, it goes it against nature. Wind, you are an abomination to God's plan. But seriously, someone needs to explain to me how it is that wind can blow at 30 mph in one direction, then magically be blowing harder from the other side. I mean it changes direction faster than Anne Heche switches sexual orientation (if you don't know who Anne Heche is, take my word on these two points; one, it's a good joke, and two, you don't watch enough E!).
#3 - People who don't think "Rocky" is awesome - (cue Rocky theme music) Whoever cannot understand the sheer awesomeness with which "Rocky" rocks is oblivious to the notions of both awesomeness and rocking. "Rocky", for those of you with basic SAT skills, is to awesomeness as Tara Reid is to drunken slut, in other words the two are inseparable. Plus that Starbuck's commercial where they sing to the "Eye of the Tiger" is freaking, that's right folks, AWEEEESOME!
#4 - V-neck undershirts - Aside from the increased odds of the notorious "neck hair" making an unwelcome appearance, I find the V-neck to be a bit more chilly than their round necked bretheren. That's pretty much all I have to say on this matter.
#5 - Crying - Contrary to popular perception there really is no acceptable gender for crying. Let me run it down for you; if you are a guy, well, the day you cry at anything other than a close relatives funeral, your best fantasy baseball player tearing his ACL, or getting kicked in the twig and berries, pretty much marks the last day you get to call yourself a man; and if you're a girl, then crying is just another form of evil mind control which needs to be stomped out like so much whatever.
Pandering To Perverts
"High school girls sucking"- I just make myself smile sometimes
Who I like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin (I know I've used him before but I really do like him)
No one. It rained I got wet, everyone sucks, the end.
The Reason Is Because
"I don't enjoy rape, I just like it before going to bed"- Rena Miller discussing Law & Order SVU
Whatever butters your muffin I guess
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - High School Girls - (As per request, read comments to yestedays post) Ok, so I don't really know much about high school girls, and what I did know is probably no longer true, however, I have in recent weeks seen commercials for "The O.C." and "Smallville" so I can tell you that high school girls are petty snobs who are only willing to date superheros or men who are dating their sister while they are home from some sort of private school where hot girls congregate.
#2 - Wind - As I've discussed in the past, I hate rain, rain blows like a pornstar, but while rain does suck, I can deal with it. What I cannot stand, however, is rain with wind. I honestly do not think that God ever meant for rain to fall sideways, it goes it against nature. Wind, you are an abomination to God's plan. But seriously, someone needs to explain to me how it is that wind can blow at 30 mph in one direction, then magically be blowing harder from the other side. I mean it changes direction faster than Anne Heche switches sexual orientation (if you don't know who Anne Heche is, take my word on these two points; one, it's a good joke, and two, you don't watch enough E!).
#3 - People who don't think "Rocky" is awesome - (cue Rocky theme music) Whoever cannot understand the sheer awesomeness with which "Rocky" rocks is oblivious to the notions of both awesomeness and rocking. "Rocky", for those of you with basic SAT skills, is to awesomeness as Tara Reid is to drunken slut, in other words the two are inseparable. Plus that Starbuck's commercial where they sing to the "Eye of the Tiger" is freaking, that's right folks, AWEEEESOME!
#4 - V-neck undershirts - Aside from the increased odds of the notorious "neck hair" making an unwelcome appearance, I find the V-neck to be a bit more chilly than their round necked bretheren. That's pretty much all I have to say on this matter.
#5 - Crying - Contrary to popular perception there really is no acceptable gender for crying. Let me run it down for you; if you are a guy, well, the day you cry at anything other than a close relatives funeral, your best fantasy baseball player tearing his ACL, or getting kicked in the twig and berries, pretty much marks the last day you get to call yourself a man; and if you're a girl, then crying is just another form of evil mind control which needs to be stomped out like so much whatever.
Pandering To Perverts
"High school girls sucking"- I just make myself smile sometimes
Who I like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin (I know I've used him before but I really do like him)
No one. It rained I got wet, everyone sucks, the end.
The Reason Is Because
"I don't enjoy rape, I just like it before going to bed"- Rena Miller discussing Law & Order SVU
Whatever butters your muffin I guess
Jan 17, 2006
EXCUSE ME WAITER THERE'S A HAIR IN MY POP CULTURE
OK I'd just like to quickly point out, I HAVE A FAN! Thank you Zal Zalla for saying what nno one else was willing to admit. Now I can die happy, not that I'm down with the whole mortality thing just yet.
Top 5 things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Women with facial hair - I'm not saying that all women need to be attractive, or even that women need to spend 20 minutes in front of a mirror before going outside (though in certain cases it may be advisable), but I feel like we can come to an agreement on a minimal standard of grooming and that is NO FACIAL HAIR. Seriously, if your upper lip resembles Tom Selleck at puberty, try investing in some wax. If you find people confusing you with a you with a Billy goat maybe a little electrolysis is for you. Either way all I'm saying is EEEEWWWW.
#2 - People who wake me up with a phone call - Listen you self absorbed, motor mouthed, compulsive dialers. How about you try for once to hold onto whatever useless comment it is that is running through your empty little head like homeless people in a condemned house. Besides, if you'd manage to shut up for an hour, you may end up not saying something so stupid that if not for my love for pillows and blankets would cause me get out of bed and raise up an army against you. Though in all honesty, it's a bit like giving the fat kid a 10 second head start in the 2000 meters, he may have a better shot, but he's still going to end up collapsing in puddle of sweat and cellulite. (sorry)
#3 - Paul Walker - I know he hasn't been in any movies recently but I really do hate him so very very much. I mean I've seen acting less wooden from totem poles. In fact I'm not even wholly convinced he's actually even aware of the fact he's in a movie. I'd bet good money he thinks he's a professional drag racer. Any takers?
#4 - People Who ask, "Why do Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have careers?" - If you're still asking this question odds are you are unfamiliar with the "Girls Gone Wild" phenomena. This sociology experiment has taught us that men (and some women) will pay lots of money to watch young blonde girls with I.Q.'s in the vicinity of Homer Simpson prance around in teeny tiny little bikinis (or less), even if their acting skills do make Paul Walker look more like Christopher Walken.
Authors Note: If this still doesn't make sense to you, rent "The Dukes Of Hazard" and umm, invite me to watch it with you.
#5 - The fact that Paris Hilton has a career - Just because I understand why Paris Hilton has a career doesn't mean it doesn't bother the crap out of me that she has one. I mean really one day (I'm really pushing for Wednesday) when they perform the autopsy on her and cut open her head, I'm convinced cherry flavored bubble gum will just spill out of her skull. The last time I saw eyes that blank was when I saw a stuffed dog standing in the taxidermist's window. You're not sure if its dead, but you know for certain there isn't anything going on upstairs
Pandering To Perverts
Once we're on the the subject - "Girls Gone Wild"
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Kiefer Sutherland
The writer of this website - http://abbagav.blogspot.com/2006/01/hdate-exciting-new-hamas-singles-site.html. Just because they are about to turn themselves into nail enriched chopped meat, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be loved. On second thought. . .
The Reason Is Because
"This of course can in some way hurt his career as a professional ballplayer ... "-- Ugueth Urbina's defense lawyer Jose Luis Tamayo commenting on Urbina being charged with attempted murder.
Do you think it's hard to throw a ball across the plate between those jail bars and from, you know, VENEZUELA!
Top 5 things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Women with facial hair - I'm not saying that all women need to be attractive, or even that women need to spend 20 minutes in front of a mirror before going outside (though in certain cases it may be advisable), but I feel like we can come to an agreement on a minimal standard of grooming and that is NO FACIAL HAIR. Seriously, if your upper lip resembles Tom Selleck at puberty, try investing in some wax. If you find people confusing you with a you with a Billy goat maybe a little electrolysis is for you. Either way all I'm saying is EEEEWWWW.
#2 - People who wake me up with a phone call - Listen you self absorbed, motor mouthed, compulsive dialers. How about you try for once to hold onto whatever useless comment it is that is running through your empty little head like homeless people in a condemned house. Besides, if you'd manage to shut up for an hour, you may end up not saying something so stupid that if not for my love for pillows and blankets would cause me get out of bed and raise up an army against you. Though in all honesty, it's a bit like giving the fat kid a 10 second head start in the 2000 meters, he may have a better shot, but he's still going to end up collapsing in puddle of sweat and cellulite. (sorry)
#3 - Paul Walker - I know he hasn't been in any movies recently but I really do hate him so very very much. I mean I've seen acting less wooden from totem poles. In fact I'm not even wholly convinced he's actually even aware of the fact he's in a movie. I'd bet good money he thinks he's a professional drag racer. Any takers?
#4 - People Who ask, "Why do Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have careers?" - If you're still asking this question odds are you are unfamiliar with the "Girls Gone Wild" phenomena. This sociology experiment has taught us that men (and some women) will pay lots of money to watch young blonde girls with I.Q.'s in the vicinity of Homer Simpson prance around in teeny tiny little bikinis (or less), even if their acting skills do make Paul Walker look more like Christopher Walken.
Authors Note: If this still doesn't make sense to you, rent "The Dukes Of Hazard" and umm, invite me to watch it with you.
#5 - The fact that Paris Hilton has a career - Just because I understand why Paris Hilton has a career doesn't mean it doesn't bother the crap out of me that she has one. I mean really one day (I'm really pushing for Wednesday) when they perform the autopsy on her and cut open her head, I'm convinced cherry flavored bubble gum will just spill out of her skull. The last time I saw eyes that blank was when I saw a stuffed dog standing in the taxidermist's window. You're not sure if its dead, but you know for certain there isn't anything going on upstairs
Pandering To Perverts
Once we're on the the subject - "Girls Gone Wild"
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Kiefer Sutherland
The writer of this website - http://abbagav.blogspot.com/2006/01/hdate-exciting-new-hamas-singles-site.html. Just because they are about to turn themselves into nail enriched chopped meat, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be loved. On second thought. . .
The Reason Is Because
"This of course can in some way hurt his career as a professional ballplayer ... "-- Ugueth Urbina's defense lawyer Jose Luis Tamayo commenting on Urbina being charged with attempted murder.
Do you think it's hard to throw a ball across the plate between those jail bars and from, you know, VENEZUELA!
Jan 16, 2006
IF BY RIGHT YOU MEAN, WRONG
Breaking News : I have just discovered that after a month of publishing this blog, I have finally changed a person's mind. There is now a girl against "ugly guy dating hot girl", though, admittedly, a girl who is also pro males slaves (if you're into that, drop me a line and I'm sure I can work something out between the two of you, you bad bad boy). To read the text of this history making admission, see the last comment on the previous post, it's long and rather convoluted (also quite funny), so if you have any problems understanding it, I'll summarize, I'm right, women are wrong. Cheers.
P.S. Did that "bad bad boy" thing read as gay as I think it does?
In other news:
I have an pre-trial conference memo due tomorrow morning, so, I am sorry to say, there will not be an "If I Ran The World Advice Column" today. That being said, I do love you all (and by love I mean something far less complimentary, but you don't need to know what) and in that spirit I am going to give you a little something to make you smile.
On Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss double-teamed the stripper pole at Howard Stern's de facto strip club, Scores, in NYC. According to an onlooker's account from the New York Post, "Kate was going wild. After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers....it was very hot."
First off, thank you "onlooker" for making perhaps the most redundant observation ever (acting like a stripper is hot, you don't say) and secondly, if this story didn't make you smile you probably didn't read it right. THEY WERE SWINGING ON THE POLE... KISSING AND CARESSING EACH OTHER! nuff said.
Till tomorrow.
P.S. Did that "bad bad boy" thing read as gay as I think it does?
In other news:
I have an pre-trial conference memo due tomorrow morning, so, I am sorry to say, there will not be an "If I Ran The World Advice Column" today. That being said, I do love you all (and by love I mean something far less complimentary, but you don't need to know what) and in that spirit I am going to give you a little something to make you smile.
On Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss double-teamed the stripper pole at Howard Stern's de facto strip club, Scores, in NYC. According to an onlooker's account from the New York Post, "Kate was going wild. After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers....it was very hot."
First off, thank you "onlooker" for making perhaps the most redundant observation ever (acting like a stripper is hot, you don't say) and secondly, if this story didn't make you smile you probably didn't read it right. THEY WERE SWINGING ON THE POLE... KISSING AND CARESSING EACH OTHER! nuff said.
Till tomorrow.
Jan 15, 2006
68% THINK WE'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH, 59% THINK SPENDING SHOULD BE CUT
My previous post "CARLA WAS THE PROM QUEEN" sparked some debate on the topic of whether women should be allowed to date men way less hot than they are. So, in an effort to prove to myself that I was right to denounce this practice, I conducted an unscientific poll. the results were rather fascinating: All women think that this practice simply demonstrates the superiority of the female race when it comes to not being superficial(though really that's like saying Saddam Hussein won re-election in a landslide; when you're the only one competing, it's a pretty safe bet you're going to come home with the trophy, or in this case the man who should be in an iron mask). While on the other hand, nearly all men think women should be relegated to dating those in their respective "league". So to all hot girls dating ugly guys I have this message, DUMP THEM, it's what your man wants. Anyway, onto more important matters.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Incomprehensible Vanity Plates - The vanity plate is in itself an exercise in oblivious idiocy, that a person can think the license plate on his car will in some way make him cooler, is like expecting your dogs flea collar to bag you the hotties. But what really bothers me, aside from the sheer stupidity of the vanity plate, is the unmitigated frustration suffered by the hundreds of drivers stuck behind these desperate for attention, spelling challenged, keep a mirror and a brush in their pocket, douchebags (I've never used this word before, can't decide if I like it), as motorists try in vain to decipher and attach meaning to the jumble of consonants and numbers you've mushed together. All I have to say to you is DRP DED AZHLE
#2 - The Movie Concession Stand - "Would you like to get the super combo, a large popcorn and a large soda for only .25 more?". I have sworn to myself more times than I can count, I will not get the large soda and large popcorn, I mean really is a feeding trough full of popcorn and gallon of soda totally necessary in order to make it through 2 hours of sitting, are we really coming to a movie theater that famished and starved? Is there a pre-movie Ramadan requirement in order to buy tickets to "King Kong" that I am not aware of?
#3 - Commercials for "ER" - "The most heart warming episode of ER ever" "This week ER more exiting than it's ever been" "The best ER in history". I have been keeping track of these commercials for a some time now, and while, admittedly, I have not actually watched any of these milestone episodes, I think I'm reasonablly convinced they are lying to me. Thus I now have for you, the greatest suggestion in history, within the greatest single post ever, of the world's most important blog. . . Ok I have nothing, you know, why? Because it's not possible!
#4 - People who grab your arm when they talk - STOP IT! If you are so terrified that your audience will abandon you, that you feel the need to employ a death grip on their arm to insure you hold their attention, odds are, they aren't istening anyway. In fact, they're probably too busy trying to think of ways to get away from the psycho (that would be you, crazy arm grabbing person) latched on them like a parasite to even understand a word coming out of your spit spewing mouth. NOW GET OFF OF ME, and while you're at it, SHUT UP.
#5 - The backhanded compliment - I would like to clarify, I have nothing against insulting people, in fact I'm quite fond of it myself, but this is just the wussiest path to insult there is. If you want to be mean to someone, be mean, don't couch your displeasure in the form of a near compliment. If you don't have the cojones to call someone stumpy, lilliputian or midgetesque don't go around saying, "I'm really impressed by how infrequently you get trampled" it's just not being honest, and everyone knows it's wrong to lie to the vertically challenged, they can't even see your lips.
Pandering to Perverts
Hairy french women (not that I condone it)
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin
The guy who decided oats arent just for horses, seriously, go to the nearest stable, and trade the horse your popcorn for his oats (it goes with everything), you'll thank me for it, plus you'll have a nice shiny coat.
The Reason Is Because
"I just wanted to remind you, don't forget to say thank you." - Law School Professor
Just when you thought you were wasting money on an education, a professor somes along with inspired words of wisdom. So, for restoring my faith in tuition I just want to say, umm, I forget. . .
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Incomprehensible Vanity Plates - The vanity plate is in itself an exercise in oblivious idiocy, that a person can think the license plate on his car will in some way make him cooler, is like expecting your dogs flea collar to bag you the hotties. But what really bothers me, aside from the sheer stupidity of the vanity plate, is the unmitigated frustration suffered by the hundreds of drivers stuck behind these desperate for attention, spelling challenged, keep a mirror and a brush in their pocket, douchebags (I've never used this word before, can't decide if I like it), as motorists try in vain to decipher and attach meaning to the jumble of consonants and numbers you've mushed together. All I have to say to you is DRP DED AZHLE
#2 - The Movie Concession Stand - "Would you like to get the super combo, a large popcorn and a large soda for only .25 more?". I have sworn to myself more times than I can count, I will not get the large soda and large popcorn, I mean really is a feeding trough full of popcorn and gallon of soda totally necessary in order to make it through 2 hours of sitting, are we really coming to a movie theater that famished and starved? Is there a pre-movie Ramadan requirement in order to buy tickets to "King Kong" that I am not aware of?
#3 - Commercials for "ER" - "The most heart warming episode of ER ever" "This week ER more exiting than it's ever been" "The best ER in history". I have been keeping track of these commercials for a some time now, and while, admittedly, I have not actually watched any of these milestone episodes, I think I'm reasonablly convinced they are lying to me. Thus I now have for you, the greatest suggestion in history, within the greatest single post ever, of the world's most important blog. . . Ok I have nothing, you know, why? Because it's not possible!
#4 - People who grab your arm when they talk - STOP IT! If you are so terrified that your audience will abandon you, that you feel the need to employ a death grip on their arm to insure you hold their attention, odds are, they aren't istening anyway. In fact, they're probably too busy trying to think of ways to get away from the psycho (that would be you, crazy arm grabbing person) latched on them like a parasite to even understand a word coming out of your spit spewing mouth. NOW GET OFF OF ME, and while you're at it, SHUT UP.
#5 - The backhanded compliment - I would like to clarify, I have nothing against insulting people, in fact I'm quite fond of it myself, but this is just the wussiest path to insult there is. If you want to be mean to someone, be mean, don't couch your displeasure in the form of a near compliment. If you don't have the cojones to call someone stumpy, lilliputian or midgetesque don't go around saying, "I'm really impressed by how infrequently you get trampled" it's just not being honest, and everyone knows it's wrong to lie to the vertically challenged, they can't even see your lips.
Pandering to Perverts
Hairy french women (not that I condone it)
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin
The guy who decided oats arent just for horses, seriously, go to the nearest stable, and trade the horse your popcorn for his oats (it goes with everything), you'll thank me for it, plus you'll have a nice shiny coat.
The Reason Is Because
"I just wanted to remind you, don't forget to say thank you." - Law School Professor
Just when you thought you were wasting money on an education, a professor somes along with inspired words of wisdom. So, for restoring my faith in tuition I just want to say, umm, I forget. . .
Jan 12, 2006
CARLA WAS THE PROM QUEEN
Here it is:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – People who don’t flush at urinals – It would seem certain people have yet to be initiated to the concept of plumbing. There is, as far as I can tell, a plague of people who think that a urinal is right up there with a bucket and a hole in the ground. This would be understandable if I lived in Kentucky or well, an old age home. However, I live in a relatively well to do, well educated city so my question remains, what do you think those little holes at the bottom of the urinal are for, ventilation?
#2 – Guys who date girls who are way hotter they are – There has been some suggestion that this is a good thing; that this demonstrates that girls aren’t superficial and are more open minded. While this is a valid argument until it works in my favor, I’m waiting Kiera, I’m still going to have to vote no. The reason for this is simple, it destabilizes the dating world. Imagine if you will a man, not special in any way, who finds a woman, equally unspectacular, who is willing to date him. Under normal circumstances this man will be grateful that there is in this world a woman, an actual human, non-inflatable, woman who does not find him repulsive, he tells his friends and family he’s found someone and after convincing them he hasn’t been sniffing glue, everyone is happy for him. However, if you now introduce a hot girl who wants to date said unspectacular man into the picture all of a sudden this once stable orbit is thrown off its axis. His friends and family now find themselves asking, well if he can get her, imagine who I can get. And that in short is how the homeless guy living in the subway station thinks that you (assuming you are a woman) are in his league. Bothers you now too doesn’t it?
Author’s Note: I promise I’m not superficial
Author’s Agent: Ugly women need not apply
#3 – Vending machines that don’t tell you that the one item in the entire machine you want is sold out until that dollar sucking, instrument of evil, has eaten your money and then refuses to give it back to you – You, vending machine, are the strippers of the beverage and snack world. You lure us in with your shameless flaunting, promising us tasty treats, then just when we’ve caved to your siren's call pulled out our wallet and given you a dollar, you snatch away our hope with your callous neon ticker “sold out” (ok so the comparison falls apart a little at the neon ticker, but you have to admit right up until there it was spot on).
#4 – Mortality – I don’t think dying is for me, hey it works for some, I even advocate for quite a few groups of people, but I just don’t think that it is the best use of natural resources to have me converted to fertilizer. I’m sure everyone reading this can think of a few people who they wouldn’t mind seeing become compost in their stead, even those of you who like to think you are at heart good people. So today I call for volunteers, who wants to die instead of me and let the world continue to bask in my humor for years on end?
#5 – 8:30 am classes – I will have more to say on this when I actually make it to one. But in the meantime I would just like to say, that thinking about going to an 8:30 am class the night before, is in itself, quite draining. It's kind of like signing up to a gym, even if you never go, thinking about going is almost as good as a workout, or at least that’s what the fat guy tells me.
Who I like Today And I Don’t Mean The Red Cross
Mark Pope – Mark Pope is a white basketball player who is honest with himself, when asked what he thought his chances of making the Denver Nuggets roster was this season he answered what every white training camp invitee should:
"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player."
In Memoriam
Patrick Cranshaw AKA - Blue from “Old School” 1919 - 2005
I have no idea what other roles you may have played in your lifetime and for that matter I doubt anyone else does either, but what the hell, you got to mud wrestle two hotties at 84, so really, I guess it all evens out.
The Reason Is Because
“Babies with cleft lips are not attractive” – I think this pretty much speaks for itself
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – People who don’t flush at urinals – It would seem certain people have yet to be initiated to the concept of plumbing. There is, as far as I can tell, a plague of people who think that a urinal is right up there with a bucket and a hole in the ground. This would be understandable if I lived in Kentucky or well, an old age home. However, I live in a relatively well to do, well educated city so my question remains, what do you think those little holes at the bottom of the urinal are for, ventilation?
#2 – Guys who date girls who are way hotter they are – There has been some suggestion that this is a good thing; that this demonstrates that girls aren’t superficial and are more open minded. While this is a valid argument until it works in my favor, I’m waiting Kiera, I’m still going to have to vote no. The reason for this is simple, it destabilizes the dating world. Imagine if you will a man, not special in any way, who finds a woman, equally unspectacular, who is willing to date him. Under normal circumstances this man will be grateful that there is in this world a woman, an actual human, non-inflatable, woman who does not find him repulsive, he tells his friends and family he’s found someone and after convincing them he hasn’t been sniffing glue, everyone is happy for him. However, if you now introduce a hot girl who wants to date said unspectacular man into the picture all of a sudden this once stable orbit is thrown off its axis. His friends and family now find themselves asking, well if he can get her, imagine who I can get. And that in short is how the homeless guy living in the subway station thinks that you (assuming you are a woman) are in his league. Bothers you now too doesn’t it?
Author’s Note: I promise I’m not superficial
Author’s Agent: Ugly women need not apply
#3 – Vending machines that don’t tell you that the one item in the entire machine you want is sold out until that dollar sucking, instrument of evil, has eaten your money and then refuses to give it back to you – You, vending machine, are the strippers of the beverage and snack world. You lure us in with your shameless flaunting, promising us tasty treats, then just when we’ve caved to your siren's call pulled out our wallet and given you a dollar, you snatch away our hope with your callous neon ticker “sold out” (ok so the comparison falls apart a little at the neon ticker, but you have to admit right up until there it was spot on).
#4 – Mortality – I don’t think dying is for me, hey it works for some, I even advocate for quite a few groups of people, but I just don’t think that it is the best use of natural resources to have me converted to fertilizer. I’m sure everyone reading this can think of a few people who they wouldn’t mind seeing become compost in their stead, even those of you who like to think you are at heart good people. So today I call for volunteers, who wants to die instead of me and let the world continue to bask in my humor for years on end?
#5 – 8:30 am classes – I will have more to say on this when I actually make it to one. But in the meantime I would just like to say, that thinking about going to an 8:30 am class the night before, is in itself, quite draining. It's kind of like signing up to a gym, even if you never go, thinking about going is almost as good as a workout, or at least that’s what the fat guy tells me.
Who I like Today And I Don’t Mean The Red Cross
Mark Pope – Mark Pope is a white basketball player who is honest with himself, when asked what he thought his chances of making the Denver Nuggets roster was this season he answered what every white training camp invitee should:
"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player."
In Memoriam
Patrick Cranshaw AKA - Blue from “Old School” 1919 - 2005
I have no idea what other roles you may have played in your lifetime and for that matter I doubt anyone else does either, but what the hell, you got to mud wrestle two hotties at 84, so really, I guess it all evens out.
The Reason Is Because
“Babies with cleft lips are not attractive” – I think this pretty much speaks for itself
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