My previous post "CARLA WAS THE PROM QUEEN" sparked some debate on the topic of whether women should be allowed to date men way less hot than they are. So, in an effort to prove to myself that I was right to denounce this practice, I conducted an unscientific poll. the results were rather fascinating: All women think that this practice simply demonstrates the superiority of the female race when it comes to not being superficial(though really that's like saying Saddam Hussein won re-election in a landslide; when you're the only one competing, it's a pretty safe bet you're going to come home with the trophy, or in this case the man who should be in an iron mask). While on the other hand, nearly all men think women should be relegated to dating those in their respective "league". So to all hot girls dating ugly guys I have this message, DUMP THEM, it's what your man wants. Anyway, onto more important matters.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Incomprehensible Vanity Plates - The vanity plate is in itself an exercise in oblivious idiocy, that a person can think the license plate on his car will in some way make him cooler, is like expecting your dogs flea collar to bag you the hotties. But what really bothers me, aside from the sheer stupidity of the vanity plate, is the unmitigated frustration suffered by the hundreds of drivers stuck behind these desperate for attention, spelling challenged, keep a mirror and a brush in their pocket, douchebags (I've never used this word before, can't decide if I like it), as motorists try in vain to decipher and attach meaning to the jumble of consonants and numbers you've mushed together. All I have to say to you is DRP DED AZHLE
#2 - The Movie Concession Stand - "Would you like to get the super combo, a large popcorn and a large soda for only .25 more?". I have sworn to myself more times than I can count, I will not get the large soda and large popcorn, I mean really is a feeding trough full of popcorn and gallon of soda totally necessary in order to make it through 2 hours of sitting, are we really coming to a movie theater that famished and starved? Is there a pre-movie Ramadan requirement in order to buy tickets to "King Kong" that I am not aware of?
#3 - Commercials for "ER" - "The most heart warming episode of ER ever" "This week ER more exiting than it's ever been" "The best ER in history". I have been keeping track of these commercials for a some time now, and while, admittedly, I have not actually watched any of these milestone episodes, I think I'm reasonablly convinced they are lying to me. Thus I now have for you, the greatest suggestion in history, within the greatest single post ever, of the world's most important blog. . . Ok I have nothing, you know, why? Because it's not possible!
#4 - People who grab your arm when they talk - STOP IT! If you are so terrified that your audience will abandon you, that you feel the need to employ a death grip on their arm to insure you hold their attention, odds are, they aren't istening anyway. In fact, they're probably too busy trying to think of ways to get away from the psycho (that would be you, crazy arm grabbing person) latched on them like a parasite to even understand a word coming out of your spit spewing mouth. NOW GET OFF OF ME, and while you're at it, SHUT UP.
#5 - The backhanded compliment - I would like to clarify, I have nothing against insulting people, in fact I'm quite fond of it myself, but this is just the wussiest path to insult there is. If you want to be mean to someone, be mean, don't couch your displeasure in the form of a near compliment. If you don't have the cojones to call someone stumpy, lilliputian or midgetesque don't go around saying, "I'm really impressed by how infrequently you get trampled" it's just not being honest, and everyone knows it's wrong to lie to the vertically challenged, they can't even see your lips.
Pandering to Perverts
Hairy french women (not that I condone it)
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin
The guy who decided oats arent just for horses, seriously, go to the nearest stable, and trade the horse your popcorn for his oats (it goes with everything), you'll thank me for it, plus you'll have a nice shiny coat.
The Reason Is Because
"I just wanted to remind you, don't forget to say thank you." - Law School Professor
Just when you thought you were wasting money on an education, a professor somes along with inspired words of wisdom. So, for restoring my faith in tuition I just want to say, umm, I forget. . .
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For the non-yiddish speakers, "ferd" is a horse.
ReplyDeleteIf you need more help than that in figuring out why the joke is funny, you're an eyzl (jackass, in the mammalian sense).
ReplyDeleteDouchebag is a great word. Use it and use it often.
ReplyDelete1) If vanity plates really bother you that much, you need some serious anger management.
ReplyDelete2) Hands down, popcorn rules.
3) You watch way too much tv.
4) You make a good point. People who grab need to get slapped, maybe even twice.
5) The backhanded compliment is the best kind. It is both humorous and witty. A plain old insult is just mean and kind of boring.
On a side note, I'm diggin the oats too.
actually, guys dating girls way hotter than them pisses me off for two reasons: 1) if you're say, a 1/10, then you should know how it feels like to have a face that looks like a foot, and probably had been snubbed by the majority of beautiful people all your life. if that's true, why go for an 8 or 9, people who have it easy their whole lives anyway? shouldnt you, being a 1, of all people overlook things like looks and give other people like yourself a chance? 2) i honestly think girls who date guys obviously less attractive then themselves are doing it to pump up their egos and dominate the relationship- until someone else better comes along. Most people generally end up with people in the same range of attractiveness, so if thats not the case, then chances are you're just waiting for an impending heartbreak. Plus, when one party cares more (and generally its the more attractive of the two), that party holds most power, resulting in relationships where the guy runs around carrying bags while taking loads of abuse... hmm, actually i guess i can see the appeal in that...
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