OK I'd just like to quickly point out, I HAVE A FAN! Thank you Zal Zalla for saying what nno one else was willing to admit. Now I can die happy, not that I'm down with the whole mortality thing just yet.
Top 5 things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Women with facial hair - I'm not saying that all women need to be attractive, or even that women need to spend 20 minutes in front of a mirror before going outside (though in certain cases it may be advisable), but I feel like we can come to an agreement on a minimal standard of grooming and that is NO FACIAL HAIR. Seriously, if your upper lip resembles Tom Selleck at puberty, try investing in some wax. If you find people confusing you with a you with a Billy goat maybe a little electrolysis is for you. Either way all I'm saying is EEEEWWWW.
#2 - People who wake me up with a phone call - Listen you self absorbed, motor mouthed, compulsive dialers. How about you try for once to hold onto whatever useless comment it is that is running through your empty little head like homeless people in a condemned house. Besides, if you'd manage to shut up for an hour, you may end up not saying something so stupid that if not for my love for pillows and blankets would cause me get out of bed and raise up an army against you. Though in all honesty, it's a bit like giving the fat kid a 10 second head start in the 2000 meters, he may have a better shot, but he's still going to end up collapsing in puddle of sweat and cellulite. (sorry)
#3 - Paul Walker - I know he hasn't been in any movies recently but I really do hate him so very very much. I mean I've seen acting less wooden from totem poles. In fact I'm not even wholly convinced he's actually even aware of the fact he's in a movie. I'd bet good money he thinks he's a professional drag racer. Any takers?
#4 - People Who ask, "Why do Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have careers?" - If you're still asking this question odds are you are unfamiliar with the "Girls Gone Wild" phenomena. This sociology experiment has taught us that men (and some women) will pay lots of money to watch young blonde girls with I.Q.'s in the vicinity of Homer Simpson prance around in teeny tiny little bikinis (or less), even if their acting skills do make Paul Walker look more like Christopher Walken.
Authors Note: If this still doesn't make sense to you, rent "The Dukes Of Hazard" and umm, invite me to watch it with you.
#5 - The fact that Paris Hilton has a career - Just because I understand why Paris Hilton has a career doesn't mean it doesn't bother the crap out of me that she has one. I mean really one day (I'm really pushing for Wednesday) when they perform the autopsy on her and cut open her head, I'm convinced cherry flavored bubble gum will just spill out of her skull. The last time I saw eyes that blank was when I saw a stuffed dog standing in the taxidermist's window. You're not sure if its dead, but you know for certain there isn't anything going on upstairs
Pandering To Perverts
Once we're on the the subject - "Girls Gone Wild"
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Kiefer Sutherland
The writer of this website - http://abbagav.blogspot.com/2006/01/hdate-exciting-new-hamas-singles-site.html. Just because they are about to turn themselves into nail enriched chopped meat, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be loved. On second thought. . .
The Reason Is Because
"This of course can in some way hurt his career as a professional ballplayer ... "-- Ugueth Urbina's defense lawyer Jose Luis Tamayo commenting on Urbina being charged with attempted murder.
Do you think it's hard to throw a ball across the plate between those jail bars and from, you know, VENEZUELA!
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I agree.
ReplyDeleteDude, get with the program. I'm done folding laundry now. Where's my entertainment?
You should have written about high school girls sucking (because they do, a lot). I think that deserves the number 1 spot on the Top 5.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say that Paul Walker is a better actor than Sylverster Stalone because he can actually talk normally (and he's better looking too).
You should take your own advice in #2.
i have a problem with ur issue about people waking you up with phone calls: if i know you, and i believe that i do, 99% of the time you recieve phone call on ur cell phone. if you are going to sleep TURN OFF the cell phone. that way if people call they will get ur voice mail and not you. i never hesistate to make a cell phone call, no matter how late, because if the person doesnt want calls they will turn off the phone.
ReplyDeletealso, please keep up the Kiefer refrencese up. 24 rules!
Ok, new rule, no personal knowledge f me is allowed to impeach my list. So say I.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I meant nothing sexual by "high school girls sucking." That would have been very crude. It was basically an attempt at explaining just how awful high school girls are. If I offended anyone, you're a sissy, but I apologize.
ReplyDeleteI feel like the crappiness of the above post requires some measure of mocking, but its inherent craptitude, defies further insult. Impressive.
ReplyDelete