HUN, IS IT A MARK TWAIN OR A SAMUEL CLEMENS?

OK, so I was watching 'Antiques Roadshow' on PBS (I will pause here to give you a moment to get your mind around that, ready? Good). Anyway, I mention this because I'm reasonably certain that in the course of enhancing my expertise on mid-nineteenth century Japanese porcelain, I came face to screen with the dumbest couple on Earth.

If you're not familiar with the show, the general concept is that a group of antique experts travel from city to city, set up in a convention center and invite people to come bring the crap that's been laying in their attic and ask these experts for a price estimate on said crap. Well this chromosomally challenged couple appears on the show with what they describe as a "First edition of, To Kill A Mockingbird." I was somewhat confused by their initial assertion, as the dustjacket seemed to be perfectly preserved and unusually sharp and bright for something printed nearly 50 years ago; before the advent of laser printers. Then she flipped the book over and, lo and behold, it had a bar code on the back. Let's think for a moment here folks, bar codes exist to be scanned by computers, and these two are of the opinion that their's is a first edition printing!

The really scary part of this story, aside from the fact that a desert scene, Japanese Nippon Porcelain vase, now goes for three grand, is that these are two attractive people in their early to mid-twenties; right in the baby-making wheelhouse. If these two procreate it's time for humanity to just pull up tent stakes and make room for the Gila Monsters (I hear they're smart).

In keeping with this topic (stupid people, not Nippon porcelain, we can discuss that in the comments section), I thought I'd share a phone conversation I had with someone at the customer service branch of U.S. Airways. As some of you may know I was supposed to go on vacation last week. Sadly, my grandmother passed away the night before my flight to Lake Tahoe and I was unable to fly. My friends of course consoled me with the knowledge that I would at least be able to get my money back for the flight owing to my cancellation being the result of a death in the family. Such is a transcript of the conversation I had in pursuit of said refund:

Me: Hi, yes I'd like to get a refund for the flight I missed. Sadly there was a death in my family and I was unable to go on vacation.

Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK sir, can I have your flight confirmation number?

Me: Reciting an unmemorable medley of letters and number

Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK I'm showing a zero balance on this flight.

Me: What's that mean

IWUPTBAA: Well sir the computer is showing you've missed the flight

Me: Yes, that's because today's Wednesday and the flight was last Saturday night. I couldn't make the flight because my grandmother died, remember?

IWUPTBAA: Well sir what I can do for you is restore the value of your ticket to its initial $128

Me (Naively): Thank you.

IWUPTBAA: Of course there will be a $100 reissuing fee if you do reschedule

Me (confused): What? Wait if i want to use the $128 ticket you just reinstated, I have to pay a $100 fee? Isn't that just a $28 refund?

IWUPTBAA (that's really starting to get annoying to type): Well sir, there will be a fee as per company policy for rescheduling a canceled ticket.

Me (frustrated): But we just went through this I didn't cancel the ticket my grandmother died!

IWUPTBAA: I'm very sorry sir but we don't have a bereavement policy

Me (wondering if an entire generation of people are under the opinion that airlines have a bereavement policy because of a Seinfeld episode): You don't?

IWUTBAAA: No sir, I mean if you died we'd refund your ticket, but not for relatives.

Me: If I died!? you mean if I called up from the after life and asked you to refund my ticket you'd do so? What if I died on one of your flights, would I get a full refund or would it be pro rata, based on how close we got to the intended destination before plunging into to sea and exploding into thousands of fiery bits?

IWUPTBAA (Completely ignoring my vivid imagery): I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help sir, but next time please call in advance of your flight.

Me: Well I certainly hope my grandmother won't die again.

IWUPTBAA: Yes sir, I do as well hope this does not happen.

Me: !@#$%^&*