TWO BY TWO

The gloom is back dear readers. The sun has yet to show itself; dark, impenetrable, gunmetal gray clouds are dripping with triumph and warmth is slowly leaking away from the day like air from a life raft. Yes, it's fair to say, the gloom is most certainly back.

Days like these, cold, windy, wet mornings, filled with the promise of vengeance for the sins we committed taking pleasure in yesterday's temperance; for wishing winter would continue to betray itself, should be spent in bed, hiding from its wrath. Alas, such is not possible for me today. Instead I made my way to work and find myself sitting here in my office, venting my frustrations impotently. Also I have a three and and half hour CLE (continuing legal education) class tonight and I really, really don't wanna go.

Accordingly:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#5 - CLE Classes - I thought I was done with classes, finished with homework, free of three and a half hour lectures on subjects too boring even for a six-part Ken Burns documentary on PBS. I remember my last class in law school with a surprising lack of clarity, I do, however, remember the dance I did when it was over, it would seem my moves were in vain. I am still waiting to hear back from 'Dancing with the Stars' however, so all hope isn't lost.

#4 - Scissors and Pants - How is it that these items only exist in pairs? Is there even a singular form of the word? And if there is, what the hell is a scissor? Is it one half of a pair of scissors? Because that doesn't seem like a specialized item so much as it does a knife. I get that it's two pieces but are we really, as a language, so unevolved that any time a object has multiple parts it needs to be referred to in the plural? And what about pants? Is a pant just one leg covering? Who would even invent a pant? OK, half a scissor has some use I guess but who needs only one leg of a pair of pants? Were pants invents by cheap Pirates looking to save money by not wasting fabric on their peg leg?

#3 - Paper Cuts - I'm not sure which is more annoying, the pain from having your finger sliced open, or the fact that it was done by a freaking sheet of paper. How can paper even cut skin? paper is weak, it covers rock, but that's about it. What's really amazing though, is that paper cuts are pretty much the most painful type of cut, it's almost like paper is showing off, reminding you that though it may look weak, it can still peel you open like a banana.

#2 - Dreams about waking up - Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up late and starts rushing to get ready, then you actually wake up and even though you woke up on time you still have that anxious feeling from the dream hovering over you like a reproachful ghost? No? Well I did. I dreamt I woke up and when I woke up for real it felt twice as bad, like I'd had to suffer through the whole ordeal again. I feel like I should get extra credit for being at the office by nine.

#1 - Channels that have yet to go HD - Do you know what it's like having an HDTV? Its like having a an uber accountant do a McDonald's counter guy's taxes. She may have tremendous abilities, but there's only so much you can do with a burger flippers W-2's (note: I don't actually know what a W-2 is, but I've heard the word used in reference to taxes). You know what they have in HD? Animals, sports, and CNN. I have 120 movie channels in my cable package and 6 are in HD. SIX! I haven't seen this much talent wasted since Ashlee Simpson stopped singing. What? she hasn't stopped singing? Why? She gets I was being ironic right? I'm not encouraging her am I? Ah what the hell...

#1a - Ashlee Simpson's singing - 'Nuff said.