MIRROR, MIRROR

Some readers of the blog have mentioned that I seem easily bothered, that I'm hard to please, that I look for flaws in what is otherwise, a largely functioning world. This may well be true, I may be your morning after headache, your late period, your end of month credit card statement, bringing you back from joy to sorrow with all the charm of an IRS agent, but it is my assertion, nay, it is my belief, that it is you dear readers who are in the wrong. It is you who are too forgiving, too obliging, too understanding. It is you who allow these crimes of common sense, these violations of societal values, to go unpunished; shrugging them off with the nonchalance of an empty cliche. NO MORE! Away with, to each his own, to bygones being bygones, to beauty being in the eye of the beholder. It is my solemn duty, my sworn service to you, to lift the veil, to shatter the glass, to bring light to the dark, magnanimous corners of your minds and end this plague, called generosity of spirit.

Anyway, on with the show.

Top Five Things That Bother Me (but should be bothering all of you as well) Today

#5 - People who ask for it - So I saw this girl the other day she was, let's call her husky, wearing a T-Shirt with the words "All Natural" imprinted front and center. Now I understand that body image is important and you have to feel comfortable in your own skin (more on this at #1), but by the same token it's also important to not be insane. Now I'll admit that I'm not the nicest guy in the world (I was an early favorite but didn't make it out of the South Carolina primaries, turns out calling the Virgin Mary, a 'Bloody Mary' (see the post below this one) doesn't win you very many evangelical votes), but I have to believe even someone with cough "generosity of spirit" would find himself thinking, "of course it's all natural, who would pay a doctor to look like that?"

#4 - Serving sizes - I am not a large man (there are about eight different jokes that seem fitting here, but we're going to pretend we're above that and ignore them, OK fine, but just one, it's not the size of the missile but the destructive capability of its thermonuclear warhead, hmm, sounded better in my head), but even I am starting to get annoyed by the snack food company's response to calorie awareness. These company's are hawking the low calorie content of their product only to list in teeny little letters on the reverse side that their candy bar is actually TWO servings and that eating it would double the caloric intake. Things that come individually wrapped are a single serving, what am i supposed to do fold up my candy bar and put it in my pocket for later? Am I supposed to start buying pants with specially lined pockets so i can keep chocolate from melting and pretzels from going stale? An apple's serving size is one apple a candy bar's serving size is one candy bar and a bag of chips' is one bag. Sorry this wasn't funny, I'm genuinely annoyed.

#3 - People who say they have temperature - You know who has temperature? EVERYONE! Even rocks have temperature. What they have, is a fever. They also have a distinct lack of comprehension when it comes to the meaning of the word temperature, but it's not a good idea to pick on someone with a fever, they may cough on you.

#2 - People who use notoriety and fame as synonyms - Notoriety is not a variation of noteworthy. It is the noun for the adjective notorious. So an actor does not gain notoriety for winning an Oscar, he may, however, gain notoriety for hitting someone over the head with said Oscar.

#1 - Carson Kressley's new show How to Look Good Naked - Read the title of the show again. Done? Good. Now, tell me do you think this show is about making people look good when they're naked? Of course you do! It's the name of the freaking show! Do you know what it's actually about? It's about making women who don't look good naked, feel good about being naked. This pains me on two levels, first, what happened to the good looking naked people? How is this not false advertising I know I'm a lawyer but there has to be someone out there who can tell me why I can't sue 'em. Secondly, again, I know it's important for people to feel good about themselves and their bodies, but dude, seriously, there are people who shouldn't be naked or for that matter even half naked, they shouldn't even slip into something more comfortable not only for our benefit, but for theirs too. Mostly for my benefit though.

Tomorrow: CLE's part III