SUNNY DAYS

Morning all,

It is beautiful here in NY, a warm sunny 68 degree January day. The kind of day that makes you wonder why politicians are against global warming; the kind of day makes you contemplate trading in your hybrid for a Hummer; the kind of day that makes it hard for even misanthropes like me to find flaw with the world. I suppose I could still try, after all, I made use of public transportation this morning and Baseball's opening day is neigh three months away, but it wouldn't be genuine, and I'm not going to try and sate you, dear readers, with synthetic agitation. Do not fear, however, just because I am in a good mood doesn't mean I will deprive you of your pass time. I remain your friend in your daily quest to fritter away the hours of this coil known as the work day. To that end here is today's list.

Actually, a brief aside. The inspiration for this list was a conversation I had with a friend about ten years ago, in which I spoke of the need for man to invent a car that could park itself. Recent commercials by Lexus involving, a car parking itself between two pyramids of champagne flutes (let that serve as a lesson to all of you who think you own a parking spot just because you put up champagne flute pyramids), have made it clear that what was once just a crazy dream in my head, has become reality. It's also been made clear to me, mostly by the ATM flipping me off after I attempted a withdrawal, that I didn't make any money off this Jules Verne-esque insight into the future. Keeping that in mind I am now going to document for you and my future patent and copyright attorneys, my:

Things Someone Needs to Make

#10 - The Auto-pilot car - For those of us who can't afford chauffeurs hate public transportation but still want to bill hours on the drive in to work.

#9 - The psychic dictation system - You know how sometimes you have an idea but you can't explain it, the psychic dictation system will convert your unorganized thoughts into words. So the next time you find yourself going "oooh oooh, it's like that ummm, you know..." we'll actually know.

#8 - The blackball radio system - Ever take a road trip with a bunch of people one of whom had awful musical taste? With the blackball radio system you can forestall his attempts to control the radio simply by pushing the blackball button. Disco music ruining your vacation? Not with the blackball radio system.

#7 - The automatic judging system - People not appreciate your joke? Friend think he's funnier than he is? Boss giving you bad advice? Simply call the automatic judging system and let them rule for you. Its like binding arbitration without having to pay lawyers, damn me and my inventions.

#6 - Scratch n Sniff TV - Yes I watch cooking shows, get over it! Cooking is cool. Anyway, if we can project moving images of people thousands of miles away into our homes, can't we also get the smell in there, how am I supposed to know if the food is good without being able to smell it?

#5 - The Make Your Own Movie Studio - Your favorite show get cancelled? A classic movie get no love from the stuffed shirts? Want to see a sequel? With the make your own movie studio software you can find people who agree with you pool your money and finance your own movie, with actual Hollywood stars.

#4 - The Job Exchange Program - Say you find yourself torn, you want to pursue a career in motor cross, but can't quite give up your dreams of being a mime. With the Job exchange program, you simply sign up for your dual career interests and if there is a match you and your doppelganger can swap careers for a year.

#3 The Let's Go To The Videotape (HD-dvd) Conversation Recorder - I promise I'll take out the garbage when the game is over; If you buy me these shoes I'll never ask for anything else ever again; I, Jennifer Love Hewitt, promise never to get fat and disappoint my fans who supported me despite my overly pointy chin. Wish you'd been smart enough to get these promises on tape? Wish no more, with the LGTTVCR all your conversations will be recorded via a microchip inserted into your inner ear so when some Hollywood actress, who shall go unnamed ,decides to store food in her saddlebags for hibernation, you'll have the goods.

#2 - PMS early warning system - it's like the missile defense shield, only way more important

#1 - The Conversation Remote Control - Imagine having the power to mute your wife, or change the topic of conversation with a simple press of the channel up button. The CRC promises both entertainment and peace. I suppose it could work on husbands as well but well, is it really necessary?