I am not going to lie to you friends, I am not in a good mood. I had CLE's for 3 hours again last night (thankfully for the last time this year), and then had court this morning at 9am. More upsetting, however, were the results of the psychological profile that I took during last night's CLE's. I am not ashamed to say they were staggering, shocking, and utterly devastating. It would seem I, your trusted voice of compassion, your oracle of sympathy and sensitivity, the man who makes you all want to be better, kinder people, lack what are generally referred to as, "feelings." I know! I said the same thing. How could this be so? Is it possible the woman giving the class, a professional who by her own resume (handed out with the course packet) is an accomplished studio jeweler could be wrong? Nah!
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Stupid questions on a psychological profile - The following isn't an insightful question:
Which is truer of you:
a) I am bighearted
b) I am logical
Having this question repeated 26 times is even less insightful. I'm not a psychologist (though according to my score I may be psychopathic), but I'm reasonably certain a profile should consist of more than, circle "a" if youre sensitive. I have a friend who once tried to prove he was 6 feet tall by showing me his driver's license. When I asked him if he was measured before they put 'height:6' on his license, his response was; "No, they asked me how tall I was and I told them." That's pretty much the value of this test. It tells you what you think of yourself. If you're a pygmy with lifts and think you're six feet tall, that's what it will say. If you have a blog dedicated to highlighting the flaws, faults and failings of those who don't measure up, it will tell you you're an unfeeling, superior, narcissist. Hmm maybe these test ARE accurate.
#4 - People who think putting 'jewelry salesperson' on their career counselor resume is a good idea - I'm too tired to point out how dumb this is, you all see it right? I mean how would the conversation go, "Hi ,I'll be your career counselor I'm sorry to hear you got fired after being outed as a psychopath, but can I interest you in a broach?"
#3 - Dumb demonstrations - I know I'm harping on this CLE thing a bit, but hear me out. The first exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times. The second exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times with our off (in this case, my left) hand. Then, after we were done scrawling our names illegibly, she asked this deep and insightful question insightful question; "What did you learn?" You know what I learned? I learned I'm righthanded dumbo!
#2 - Forty year olds starting a new career - Sorry, I don't mean to discriminate (anyone believe that, no?) but you guys really need to get out of the way. For some reason the older someone is the more they feel the need to contribute at lectures. They raise their hands, bob their heads and laugh at unfunny jokes. If I had to narrow it down (I actually don't have to guess at all, I don't have an editor or anything, I'm just going to anyway), I'd say the cutoff is somewhere around the age where you find yourself lecturing store clerks about proper service. So pretty much anyone who's ever used the expressions, "when I was your age if I did that..." or "In my day we took care of the customer" should just accept their fate.
#1 - Returning stuff - I'm not what you'd call a shopper, but if there is a single process more convoluted and uneccessarily painful than returning something to a store, I'd like you to call Tourqemada, I think he's in the market for some new ideas.
The following is a dramatization (I feel like I'm in an E! True Hollywood Story) of my experience with returning a wallet.
"Hi I'd like to return this."
"Do you have a receipt?"
"Yes."
"Ok well just go to sub-basement three, open the dungeon doors and follow the screaming."
So I go to sub-basement three and the line is something like sixteen people long. Inevitably, half of these people lack receipts, another two or three of these people aren't actually returning items and keep repeating when they get to the front of the line, "but can't you just ring me up here, I've been on line forever." (These by the way are the same people who can't tell the difference between the ticket buying line and the ticket holding line at the movies). Finally I get to the front and the woman asks me,
"Would you like a credit or a refund?"
"Refund, please"
"I'm sorry we only refund purchases within 30 days of the purchase." (Oh yeah I also hate returning crap cuz it takes me forever to get around to).
"Well then I don't really understand why you asked me which I'd like, that sort of implies the choice is mine. Why even ask me otherwise? Are you filling out some sort of survey as to whether people prefer store credits over money? Cuz if you are, I can save you some time."
"Do you still want to return the item sir?"
"Yes, I'd still like to return it. Can I get a store credit then?"
"One second sir, I have to find the postage stamp sized piece of paper we print store credits on. Here it is. Please remember not to lose this (holding up credit with a tweezer) because there will be no other record of this credit and if you do, wait where'd it go? (grabs magnifying glass) Oh! there it is, as I was saying if you lose it we will keep your money. Have a nice day!
Jan 31, 2008
Jan 29, 2008
THE HIERARCHY OF FRUIT
I write this from the heavenly comfort of my cotton pajamas, nestled deep under the covers of my pillow top bed. I say this because when you read this tomorrow (what you would call 'today'), you will be hard at work, wearing freshly starched and pressed clothes, the chill of the morning air still lingering in your body, your mind still fresh with the memories of sleep and the thought of me being all snuggled up and comfy in bed will make you sad. In a related news bulletin, I am also quite mean.
I really hope someone enjoyed that as much as I do.
Anyway I've been thinking about it and it seems like there aren't enough people in the world who aren't brain addled. I say this because every so often after reading an article (news, sports, television, movies, yeah that's pretty much all I read about) online, I'll click on the little comments link and I am astounded at the idiocy being spouted. There seems to be no interest in grammar, spelling or syntax and even less interest in a comprehensible point. It's enough to lead one to wonder if only idiots use the Internet. Then again, perhaps you don't quite understand what I'm talking about, seeing as you, my readers, are apparently unaware of the comments link and the ability to post fawning and flattering remarks about an author, of a piece, such as, shall we say, this one.
I now return to the third installment of the recurring series:
Aphorisms that don't make any sense
- When in Rome - Continuing on America's fascination with all things Roman (see Rome wasn't built in a day) we apparently ascribe bowing to convention to being somehow Romanic. Why the Romans? Good question , it's actually based on first century joke, stop me if you've heard it before. An Acadian a Phoenician and a Sumerian walk into this place called Rome Bar and Grill (Applebees was full). The bartender asks them what they'll have to drink and the Phoenician replies with whatever the word in Phoenician is for beer (it's a dead language people, how much research do you think I'm doing for this joke?) and the bartender not recognizing the word gives him some cheap slop, the same holds true for the Acadian. Finally it's the Sumerian's turn he looks around at the assembled mass of people in Rome Bar and Grill all drinking cold frothy beer and says I'll have what they're having and thus was born the expression, when in Rome. Wow, I made you read a lot for a crappy punchline. Don't worry it gets better.
- I'm feeling blue - How many people have a favorite color? Good, now how many of you answered blue? See? Blue is a very popular color, people like it, it makes them happy. Who chooses a favorite color that depresses them? Even goths who wear black, wear black because it makes them happy, just don't tell them that, you'll unhinge their whole view of reality. And don't tell me it's because of the blues, the same question would still apply. My theory is someone was about to say I'm feeling black, got to 'I'm feeling bl--' looked around at the racially diverse crowd an just changed it to blue to save his cracker butt.
- Apple of my eye - I'm not even going to discuss anatomy right now because I've already done way too much research on Phoenicians and Sumerians to go back to Wikipedia again (I don't know if you noticed this but I totally just winged it on the Acadians), but I'm reasonable certain there is no part of the eye that resembles a fruit, other than perhaps a grape. So why apple? In the hierarchy of fruit I've gotta think apple is low down on the list way down near peasant or serf at best a knight, while mangoes, papayas, peaches, plums and nectarines are the Lords, Earls, Dukes, Barons and Counts of the fruit family. In fact as it stands the expression actually seems derogatory, 'you're the at best sixth most desirable fruit of my eye. From now on the proper way to say it, assuming you want to pay a compliment will be; 'You are the mango of my eye.' See, I told you it would get better.
- Cute as a button - Things that are cuter than buttons: Puppies, bunnies, the chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, penguins, my niece and nephew, that new Kia commercial where everyone forgets which side of the car their gas tank is on and, in my less than humble opinion, snaps. Yes that's right I find snaps cuter than buttons! Why should my personal aesthetics be subsumed to those of an aphorism? I also think toggles are cuter than buttons so by my count even when you narrow the focus to things that fasten clothes, buttons still come in third. Buttons are the apples of the clothes fastening world.
- The whole shebang - Much like our earlier discussion of The whole nine yards, this expression fails to make sense without any adjectives as to percentages. Seriously, what the hell is a shebang? It sorta sounds like a really crappy Ricky Martin song, but I don't think we can blame him for anything other than, frosted tips, Enrique Iglesias and people who say 'I'm just livin' La vida Loca.' I think the true measure of a word is, if you take it out of the context in which it's used, does it still make sense? In this case, if you said yeah I went to the store but I could only get three-fifths of a shebang, people would look at you funny. Shebang, not a word.
I really hope someone enjoyed that as much as I do.
Anyway I've been thinking about it and it seems like there aren't enough people in the world who aren't brain addled. I say this because every so often after reading an article (news, sports, television, movies, yeah that's pretty much all I read about) online, I'll click on the little comments link and I am astounded at the idiocy being spouted. There seems to be no interest in grammar, spelling or syntax and even less interest in a comprehensible point. It's enough to lead one to wonder if only idiots use the Internet. Then again, perhaps you don't quite understand what I'm talking about, seeing as you, my readers, are apparently unaware of the comments link and the ability to post fawning and flattering remarks about an author, of a piece, such as, shall we say, this one.
I now return to the third installment of the recurring series:
Aphorisms that don't make any sense
- When in Rome - Continuing on America's fascination with all things Roman (see Rome wasn't built in a day) we apparently ascribe bowing to convention to being somehow Romanic. Why the Romans? Good question , it's actually based on first century joke, stop me if you've heard it before. An Acadian a Phoenician and a Sumerian walk into this place called Rome Bar and Grill (Applebees was full). The bartender asks them what they'll have to drink and the Phoenician replies with whatever the word in Phoenician is for beer (it's a dead language people, how much research do you think I'm doing for this joke?) and the bartender not recognizing the word gives him some cheap slop, the same holds true for the Acadian. Finally it's the Sumerian's turn he looks around at the assembled mass of people in Rome Bar and Grill all drinking cold frothy beer and says I'll have what they're having and thus was born the expression, when in Rome. Wow, I made you read a lot for a crappy punchline. Don't worry it gets better.
- I'm feeling blue - How many people have a favorite color? Good, now how many of you answered blue? See? Blue is a very popular color, people like it, it makes them happy. Who chooses a favorite color that depresses them? Even goths who wear black, wear black because it makes them happy, just don't tell them that, you'll unhinge their whole view of reality. And don't tell me it's because of the blues, the same question would still apply. My theory is someone was about to say I'm feeling black, got to 'I'm feeling bl--' looked around at the racially diverse crowd an just changed it to blue to save his cracker butt.
- Apple of my eye - I'm not even going to discuss anatomy right now because I've already done way too much research on Phoenicians and Sumerians to go back to Wikipedia again (I don't know if you noticed this but I totally just winged it on the Acadians), but I'm reasonable certain there is no part of the eye that resembles a fruit, other than perhaps a grape. So why apple? In the hierarchy of fruit I've gotta think apple is low down on the list way down near peasant or serf at best a knight, while mangoes, papayas, peaches, plums and nectarines are the Lords, Earls, Dukes, Barons and Counts of the fruit family. In fact as it stands the expression actually seems derogatory, 'you're the at best sixth most desirable fruit of my eye. From now on the proper way to say it, assuming you want to pay a compliment will be; 'You are the mango of my eye.' See, I told you it would get better.
- Cute as a button - Things that are cuter than buttons: Puppies, bunnies, the chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, penguins, my niece and nephew, that new Kia commercial where everyone forgets which side of the car their gas tank is on and, in my less than humble opinion, snaps. Yes that's right I find snaps cuter than buttons! Why should my personal aesthetics be subsumed to those of an aphorism? I also think toggles are cuter than buttons so by my count even when you narrow the focus to things that fasten clothes, buttons still come in third. Buttons are the apples of the clothes fastening world.
- The whole shebang - Much like our earlier discussion of The whole nine yards, this expression fails to make sense without any adjectives as to percentages. Seriously, what the hell is a shebang? It sorta sounds like a really crappy Ricky Martin song, but I don't think we can blame him for anything other than, frosted tips, Enrique Iglesias and people who say 'I'm just livin' La vida Loca.' I think the true measure of a word is, if you take it out of the context in which it's used, does it still make sense? In this case, if you said yeah I went to the store but I could only get three-fifths of a shebang, people would look at you funny. Shebang, not a word.
Jan 28, 2008
CALLING OUT AROUND THE WORLD
Welcome back to the grind readers. I know some of you probably had to work Sunday, and I laugh at you heartily. Then again, I'm pretty sure your 401(k) just gave mine an inferiority complex, so I think we're even.
I know some of you out there look at Monday as the ultimate annoyance, the eggshell in your omelette, the 'but' in a compliment, the tax in your income, but I assure you, after reading this, it will only be one of a plethora of ills you now find with the world. Think of it as me disemboweling you to make your finger stop hurting, only your finger will continue to hurt.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - People who point out my spelling mistakes - Contrary to what you all seem to think this is is not appreciated. If I make a spelling mistake it is different from when one of you do it; it is the offspring of accident not not the product of improficiency. In short, stop it, you big bully.
#4 - Exit 26 A-Q - Ever follow directions without having an exact mileage estimate and find yourself counting down the exits till your destination? Ever experience the relief of thinking you're only two exits away and then watch with horror as exit 26 became exit 26a, 26, b 26, c 26, d and the memory of your once incipient arrival lingered as nothing more than a synaptic taunt? No? Oh well, at least I used incipient in a sentence.
#3 - Quick Dry White Out - Liar! Deceiver! Dissembler! I shall make you pay for your eponymous deceit! How many tips of how many pens have been sacrificed in the well of your false name? How many ballpoints, rolling tip and fountains must pass from utility to uselessness before this scourge is removed from out midst? Quick drying white out, I'm calling you out!
Authors Note: In case that was a bit confusing, my white out takes forever to dry and keeps getting all over my pens.
#2 - Temperature v. Wind Chill Factor - Things I care less about than scientifically objective, purported temperature, relative to the subjective, wind chill included, actual temperature: Soccer, the doorman's answer to "what's up?", your blog, whether the Oscar's will have writers and my clients. I understand that a thermometer wont display wind chill, but you know what? I'm not a thermometer. When I check the weather I want to know how cold I will be, not how cold I would be if I were a thermometer. Al Roker, I'm calling you out.
#1 - Dumb people with superiority complexes - Some things are just too upsetting to joke about. How people who needed to have their tongue size checked just to assure employers that they weren't part of a mentally disabled placement program can have egos is beyond me. How those egos are as big as mine, makes think I need to reassess admitting I'm not humble.
Till tomorrow, GO GIANTS!
I know some of you out there look at Monday as the ultimate annoyance, the eggshell in your omelette, the 'but' in a compliment, the tax in your income, but I assure you, after reading this, it will only be one of a plethora of ills you now find with the world. Think of it as me disemboweling you to make your finger stop hurting, only your finger will continue to hurt.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - People who point out my spelling mistakes - Contrary to what you all seem to think this is is not appreciated. If I make a spelling mistake it is different from when one of you do it; it is the offspring of accident not not the product of improficiency. In short, stop it, you big bully.
#4 - Exit 26 A-Q - Ever follow directions without having an exact mileage estimate and find yourself counting down the exits till your destination? Ever experience the relief of thinking you're only two exits away and then watch with horror as exit 26 became exit 26a, 26, b 26, c 26, d and the memory of your once incipient arrival lingered as nothing more than a synaptic taunt? No? Oh well, at least I used incipient in a sentence.
#3 - Quick Dry White Out - Liar! Deceiver! Dissembler! I shall make you pay for your eponymous deceit! How many tips of how many pens have been sacrificed in the well of your false name? How many ballpoints, rolling tip and fountains must pass from utility to uselessness before this scourge is removed from out midst? Quick drying white out, I'm calling you out!
Authors Note: In case that was a bit confusing, my white out takes forever to dry and keeps getting all over my pens.
#2 - Temperature v. Wind Chill Factor - Things I care less about than scientifically objective, purported temperature, relative to the subjective, wind chill included, actual temperature: Soccer, the doorman's answer to "what's up?", your blog, whether the Oscar's will have writers and my clients. I understand that a thermometer wont display wind chill, but you know what? I'm not a thermometer. When I check the weather I want to know how cold I will be, not how cold I would be if I were a thermometer. Al Roker, I'm calling you out.
#1 - Dumb people with superiority complexes - Some things are just too upsetting to joke about. How people who needed to have their tongue size checked just to assure employers that they weren't part of a mentally disabled placement program can have egos is beyond me. How those egos are as big as mine, makes think I need to reassess admitting I'm not humble.
Till tomorrow, GO GIANTS!
Jan 25, 2008
EXCUSES, EXCUSES
Sorry folks about missing yesterday guys, but there were mitigating circumstances, namely the hunger strike I was apparently put on by the restaurant I ordered lunch from. Anyway I'm going to be brief today so here's the update rundown
- CLE's - Things that put people to sleep and thus make poor topics for lectures - If I was compiling such a list I'd have to think Ethics and Grammar would be in the top 3. Thus you can imagine my interest in my three and a half hour CLE class on legal writing ("can anyone tell me what a split infinitive is") and Ethics ("what if you think you're client who's paying you millions of dollars is a mean person?") Sadly, I wasn't able to sleep. I did, however, manage to not listen to a single word after the introductions, which is you know, good news for me but doesn't exactly make for fascinating reading. Oh, and lawyers, still not an attractive bunch
- Serving Sizes - Bought a cookie today, it's about the size of a regular Pepperidge Farm cookie only it was $2.40 and when I flipped it over, I saw that my individually wrapped cookie, that was smaller than the palm of my hand, was actually, in some sick, deranged, nutritionist's mind, TWO servings! How many times will I have to say this before the makers of snacks cower at my feet? If it's individually wrapped non-resealable wrapped snack it's a SINGLE SERVING! I'm not going to eat half and keep the other half a cookie for tomorrow.
- I don't think that means what you think it does - Penultimate, does not mean super ultimate, it means second to last, or second to the ultimate. Also pluperfect doesn't mean super perfect, it is variation on the past perfect tense, as in "Had he known he was going to follow a grammar lecture he would have been more careful about using words he actually understood."
Till next week
- CLE's - Things that put people to sleep and thus make poor topics for lectures - If I was compiling such a list I'd have to think Ethics and Grammar would be in the top 3. Thus you can imagine my interest in my three and a half hour CLE class on legal writing ("can anyone tell me what a split infinitive is") and Ethics ("what if you think you're client who's paying you millions of dollars is a mean person?") Sadly, I wasn't able to sleep. I did, however, manage to not listen to a single word after the introductions, which is you know, good news for me but doesn't exactly make for fascinating reading. Oh, and lawyers, still not an attractive bunch
- Serving Sizes - Bought a cookie today, it's about the size of a regular Pepperidge Farm cookie only it was $2.40 and when I flipped it over, I saw that my individually wrapped cookie, that was smaller than the palm of my hand, was actually, in some sick, deranged, nutritionist's mind, TWO servings! How many times will I have to say this before the makers of snacks cower at my feet? If it's individually wrapped non-resealable wrapped snack it's a SINGLE SERVING! I'm not going to eat half and keep the other half a cookie for tomorrow.
- I don't think that means what you think it does - Penultimate, does not mean super ultimate, it means second to last, or second to the ultimate. Also pluperfect doesn't mean super perfect, it is variation on the past perfect tense, as in "Had he known he was going to follow a grammar lecture he would have been more careful about using words he actually understood."
Till next week
Jan 22, 2008
MIRROR, MIRROR
Some readers of the blog have mentioned that I seem easily bothered, that I'm hard to please, that I look for flaws in what is otherwise, a largely functioning world. This may well be true, I may be your morning after headache, your late period, your end of month credit card statement, bringing you back from joy to sorrow with all the charm of an IRS agent, but it is my assertion, nay, it is my belief, that it is you dear readers who are in the wrong. It is you who are too forgiving, too obliging, too understanding. It is you who allow these crimes of common sense, these violations of societal values, to go unpunished; shrugging them off with the nonchalance of an empty cliche. NO MORE! Away with, to each his own, to bygones being bygones, to beauty being in the eye of the beholder. It is my solemn duty, my sworn service to you, to lift the veil, to shatter the glass, to bring light to the dark, magnanimous corners of your minds and end this plague, called generosity of spirit.
Anyway, on with the show.
Top Five Things That Bother Me (but should be bothering all of you as well) Today
#5 - People who ask for it - So I saw this girl the other day she was, let's call her husky, wearing a T-Shirt with the words "All Natural" imprinted front and center. Now I understand that body image is important and you have to feel comfortable in your own skin (more on this at #1), but by the same token it's also important to not be insane. Now I'll admit that I'm not the nicest guy in the world (I was an early favorite but didn't make it out of the South Carolina primaries, turns out calling the Virgin Mary, a 'Bloody Mary' (see the post below this one) doesn't win you very many evangelical votes), but I have to believe even someone with cough "generosity of spirit" would find himself thinking, "of course it's all natural, who would pay a doctor to look like that?"
#4 - Serving sizes - I am not a large man (there are about eight different jokes that seem fitting here, but we're going to pretend we're above that and ignore them, OK fine, but just one, it's not the size of the missile but the destructive capability of its thermonuclear warhead, hmm, sounded better in my head), but even I am starting to get annoyed by the snack food company's response to calorie awareness. These company's are hawking the low calorie content of their product only to list in teeny little letters on the reverse side that their candy bar is actually TWO servings and that eating it would double the caloric intake. Things that come individually wrapped are a single serving, what am i supposed to do fold up my candy bar and put it in my pocket for later? Am I supposed to start buying pants with specially lined pockets so i can keep chocolate from melting and pretzels from going stale? An apple's serving size is one apple a candy bar's serving size is one candy bar and a bag of chips' is one bag. Sorry this wasn't funny, I'm genuinely annoyed.
#3 - People who say they have temperature - You know who has temperature? EVERYONE! Even rocks have temperature. What they have, is a fever. They also have a distinct lack of comprehension when it comes to the meaning of the word temperature, but it's not a good idea to pick on someone with a fever, they may cough on you.
#2 - People who use notoriety and fame as synonyms - Notoriety is not a variation of noteworthy. It is the noun for the adjective notorious. So an actor does not gain notoriety for winning an Oscar, he may, however, gain notoriety for hitting someone over the head with said Oscar.
#1 - Carson Kressley's new show How to Look Good Naked - Read the title of the show again. Done? Good. Now, tell me do you think this show is about making people look good when they're naked? Of course you do! It's the name of the freaking show! Do you know what it's actually about? It's about making women who don't look good naked, feel good about being naked. This pains me on two levels, first, what happened to the good looking naked people? How is this not false advertising I know I'm a lawyer but there has to be someone out there who can tell me why I can't sue 'em. Secondly, again, I know it's important for people to feel good about themselves and their bodies, but dude, seriously, there are people who shouldn't be naked or for that matter even half naked, they shouldn't even slip into something more comfortable not only for our benefit, but for theirs too. Mostly for my benefit though.
Tomorrow: CLE's part III
Anyway, on with the show.
Top Five Things That Bother Me (but should be bothering all of you as well) Today
#5 - People who ask for it - So I saw this girl the other day she was, let's call her husky, wearing a T-Shirt with the words "All Natural" imprinted front and center. Now I understand that body image is important and you have to feel comfortable in your own skin (more on this at #1), but by the same token it's also important to not be insane. Now I'll admit that I'm not the nicest guy in the world (I was an early favorite but didn't make it out of the South Carolina primaries, turns out calling the Virgin Mary, a 'Bloody Mary' (see the post below this one) doesn't win you very many evangelical votes), but I have to believe even someone with cough "generosity of spirit" would find himself thinking, "of course it's all natural, who would pay a doctor to look like that?"
#4 - Serving sizes - I am not a large man (there are about eight different jokes that seem fitting here, but we're going to pretend we're above that and ignore them, OK fine, but just one, it's not the size of the missile but the destructive capability of its thermonuclear warhead, hmm, sounded better in my head), but even I am starting to get annoyed by the snack food company's response to calorie awareness. These company's are hawking the low calorie content of their product only to list in teeny little letters on the reverse side that their candy bar is actually TWO servings and that eating it would double the caloric intake. Things that come individually wrapped are a single serving, what am i supposed to do fold up my candy bar and put it in my pocket for later? Am I supposed to start buying pants with specially lined pockets so i can keep chocolate from melting and pretzels from going stale? An apple's serving size is one apple a candy bar's serving size is one candy bar and a bag of chips' is one bag. Sorry this wasn't funny, I'm genuinely annoyed.
#3 - People who say they have temperature - You know who has temperature? EVERYONE! Even rocks have temperature. What they have, is a fever. They also have a distinct lack of comprehension when it comes to the meaning of the word temperature, but it's not a good idea to pick on someone with a fever, they may cough on you.
#2 - People who use notoriety and fame as synonyms - Notoriety is not a variation of noteworthy. It is the noun for the adjective notorious. So an actor does not gain notoriety for winning an Oscar, he may, however, gain notoriety for hitting someone over the head with said Oscar.
#1 - Carson Kressley's new show How to Look Good Naked - Read the title of the show again. Done? Good. Now, tell me do you think this show is about making people look good when they're naked? Of course you do! It's the name of the freaking show! Do you know what it's actually about? It's about making women who don't look good naked, feel good about being naked. This pains me on two levels, first, what happened to the good looking naked people? How is this not false advertising I know I'm a lawyer but there has to be someone out there who can tell me why I can't sue 'em. Secondly, again, I know it's important for people to feel good about themselves and their bodies, but dude, seriously, there are people who shouldn't be naked or for that matter even half naked, they shouldn't even slip into something more comfortable not only for our benefit, but for theirs too. Mostly for my benefit though.
Tomorrow: CLE's part III
AND I SHALL HAVE MY VENGENCE, IN THIS WORLD OR THE NEXT
Boo! (As you can see I'm running out of new ways to start our little chats) Now that I have your attention, if not your respect, I'd like to welcome you back to work. I myself have worked on MLKJD so you'll forgive me if I'm ahead of you when it comes to midweek bitterness. That being said there are a few things I'd like to talk about today and I think, Monday off or not, even the vacationed among (or is it amongst? Is there a rule about when you use one or the other, like with 'who' and 'whom' or is it more like 'while' v. 'whilst?') you will agree that something needs to be done.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - People who add '-gate' as a suffix any time there's a political scandal - I may only be 25 (Shut up! I feel 25. Except in the mornings, then I feel like 35 ,or after 10pm, or after a workout, or when I think about working out, OK so I'm 27, happy?), but I think I'm educated enough to know that Watergate was a pretty big deal for this country and for the newspaper/journalism business itself. That being said, don't you think it's time to let it go? Forget for a moment that it doesn't actually even make any sense ("Monica-gate?" "Hanging Chad-gate"), it's just so uninventive, it's like hiring girls in bikini's to sell cars. Wait, no, that's genius, never mind, bad example. It's like comparing every mean or authoritarian personality to Hitler, oh wait we do that too? I give up, go ahead and use it, in fact, you can call this, Blog-gate. Two g's.
#4 - People who are still reading 'The Da Vinci Code' - Really? are you just discovering Seinfeld too? When the movie your book is based on is already closer to a sequel than it is the second DVD release it's time to move on. You missed the boat! Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married, the Virgin Mary was actually a Bloody Mary and 'Holy F*cking Christ' is now both cathartic and accurate.
#3 - People who read over your shoulder on the Subway - You know those people who decide they don't need a newspaper in the morning, but as soon as they sit or stand next to you on the bus or subway are all of a sudden engrossed in yours? Yeah, I don't like them.
#2 - Greeting cards - How is this a multi-billion dollar a year industry? Why have we as a culture come to the point where we demand that our loved ones, friends and co-workers deliver hackneyed, unoriginal, sappy, unctuous, insincere messages written by other people on what is supposedly a special occasion? Oh, you mean you actually mean those things they write in those cards? I'm, the only one who's insincere? Well, it's still sappy unoriginal and hackneyed. What's really annoying though, is when people write stuff in the card. Was the original message you paid $3.95 for not what you meant? Why not just buy a blank card, or for that matter, if you really need to write something below the processed junk make it, "see above".
#1 - Vengeful Urinals - I don't think this will resonate much with my female audience, Hi Mom, but it needs to be addressed nonetheless. Have you ever used a urinal, put your junk away, flushed and then looked down at your pants, only to see that your once unblemished gabardine has been defiled by urinal spittle? It's like they're offended by being peed on. I'm reasonably certain if the urinal possessed the ability to talk it would say, after spraying, "How do you like it!?"
Finally I'd just like to congratulate the NY Football Giants on reaching Superbowl XXLMIIGZYB. But, before we get too carried away and start calling them heroes or role models, I'd like to bring a quote from star wide receiver Plaxico Burress to your attention.
When asked about his new found maturity on the field this year Burress responded by saying:
"I finally realized I'm human."
Only took him 30 years folks.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - People who add '-gate' as a suffix any time there's a political scandal - I may only be 25 (Shut up! I feel 25. Except in the mornings, then I feel like 35 ,or after 10pm, or after a workout, or when I think about working out, OK so I'm 27, happy?), but I think I'm educated enough to know that Watergate was a pretty big deal for this country and for the newspaper/journalism business itself. That being said, don't you think it's time to let it go? Forget for a moment that it doesn't actually even make any sense ("Monica-gate?" "Hanging Chad-gate"), it's just so uninventive, it's like hiring girls in bikini's to sell cars. Wait, no, that's genius, never mind, bad example. It's like comparing every mean or authoritarian personality to Hitler, oh wait we do that too? I give up, go ahead and use it, in fact, you can call this, Blog-gate. Two g's.
#4 - People who are still reading 'The Da Vinci Code' - Really? are you just discovering Seinfeld too? When the movie your book is based on is already closer to a sequel than it is the second DVD release it's time to move on. You missed the boat! Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married, the Virgin Mary was actually a Bloody Mary and 'Holy F*cking Christ' is now both cathartic and accurate.
#3 - People who read over your shoulder on the Subway - You know those people who decide they don't need a newspaper in the morning, but as soon as they sit or stand next to you on the bus or subway are all of a sudden engrossed in yours? Yeah, I don't like them.
#2 - Greeting cards - How is this a multi-billion dollar a year industry? Why have we as a culture come to the point where we demand that our loved ones, friends and co-workers deliver hackneyed, unoriginal, sappy, unctuous, insincere messages written by other people on what is supposedly a special occasion? Oh, you mean you actually mean those things they write in those cards? I'm, the only one who's insincere? Well, it's still sappy unoriginal and hackneyed. What's really annoying though, is when people write stuff in the card. Was the original message you paid $3.95 for not what you meant? Why not just buy a blank card, or for that matter, if you really need to write something below the processed junk make it, "see above".
#1 - Vengeful Urinals - I don't think this will resonate much with my female audience, Hi Mom, but it needs to be addressed nonetheless. Have you ever used a urinal, put your junk away, flushed and then looked down at your pants, only to see that your once unblemished gabardine has been defiled by urinal spittle? It's like they're offended by being peed on. I'm reasonably certain if the urinal possessed the ability to talk it would say, after spraying, "How do you like it!?"
Finally I'd just like to congratulate the NY Football Giants on reaching Superbowl XXLMIIGZYB. But, before we get too carried away and start calling them heroes or role models, I'd like to bring a quote from star wide receiver Plaxico Burress to your attention.
When asked about his new found maturity on the field this year Burress responded by saying:
"I finally realized I'm human."
Only took him 30 years folks.
Jan 20, 2008
HUN, IS IT A MARK TWAIN OR A SAMUEL CLEMENS?
OK, so I was watching 'Antiques Roadshow' on PBS (I will pause here to give you a moment to get your mind around that, ready? Good). Anyway, I mention this because I'm reasonably certain that in the course of enhancing my expertise on mid-nineteenth century Japanese porcelain, I came face to screen with the dumbest couple on Earth.
If you're not familiar with the show, the general concept is that a group of antique experts travel from city to city, set up in a convention center and invite people to come bring the crap that's been laying in their attic and ask these experts for a price estimate on said crap. Well this chromosomally challenged couple appears on the show with what they describe as a "First edition of, To Kill A Mockingbird." I was somewhat confused by their initial assertion, as the dustjacket seemed to be perfectly preserved and unusually sharp and bright for something printed nearly 50 years ago; before the advent of laser printers. Then she flipped the book over and, lo and behold, it had a bar code on the back. Let's think for a moment here folks, bar codes exist to be scanned by computers, and these two are of the opinion that their's is a first edition printing!
The really scary part of this story, aside from the fact that a desert scene, Japanese Nippon Porcelain vase, now goes for three grand, is that these are two attractive people in their early to mid-twenties; right in the baby-making wheelhouse. If these two procreate it's time for humanity to just pull up tent stakes and make room for the Gila Monsters (I hear they're smart).
In keeping with this topic (stupid people, not Nippon porcelain, we can discuss that in the comments section), I thought I'd share a phone conversation I had with someone at the customer service branch of U.S. Airways. As some of you may know I was supposed to go on vacation last week. Sadly, my grandmother passed away the night before my flight to Lake Tahoe and I was unable to fly. My friends of course consoled me with the knowledge that I would at least be able to get my money back for the flight owing to my cancellation being the result of a death in the family. Such is a transcript of the conversation I had in pursuit of said refund:
Me: Hi, yes I'd like to get a refund for the flight I missed. Sadly there was a death in my family and I was unable to go on vacation.
Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK sir, can I have your flight confirmation number?
Me: Reciting an unmemorable medley of letters and number
Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK I'm showing a zero balance on this flight.
Me: What's that mean
IWUPTBAA: Well sir the computer is showing you've missed the flight
Me: Yes, that's because today's Wednesday and the flight was last Saturday night. I couldn't make the flight because my grandmother died, remember?
IWUPTBAA: Well sir what I can do for you is restore the value of your ticket to its initial $128
Me (Naively): Thank you.
IWUPTBAA: Of course there will be a $100 reissuing fee if you do reschedule
Me (confused): What? Wait if i want to use the $128 ticket you just reinstated, I have to pay a $100 fee? Isn't that just a $28 refund?
IWUPTBAA (that's really starting to get annoying to type): Well sir, there will be a fee as per company policy for rescheduling a canceled ticket.
Me (frustrated): But we just went through this I didn't cancel the ticket my grandmother died!
IWUPTBAA: I'm very sorry sir but we don't have a bereavement policy
Me (wondering if an entire generation of people are under the opinion that airlines have a bereavement policy because of a Seinfeld episode): You don't?
IWUTBAAA: No sir, I mean if you died we'd refund your ticket, but not for relatives.
Me: If I died!? you mean if I called up from the after life and asked you to refund my ticket you'd do so? What if I died on one of your flights, would I get a full refund or would it be pro rata, based on how close we got to the intended destination before plunging into to sea and exploding into thousands of fiery bits?
IWUPTBAA (Completely ignoring my vivid imagery): I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help sir, but next time please call in advance of your flight.
Me: Well I certainly hope my grandmother won't die again.
IWUPTBAA: Yes sir, I do as well hope this does not happen.
Me: !@#$%^&*
If you're not familiar with the show, the general concept is that a group of antique experts travel from city to city, set up in a convention center and invite people to come bring the crap that's been laying in their attic and ask these experts for a price estimate on said crap. Well this chromosomally challenged couple appears on the show with what they describe as a "First edition of, To Kill A Mockingbird." I was somewhat confused by their initial assertion, as the dustjacket seemed to be perfectly preserved and unusually sharp and bright for something printed nearly 50 years ago; before the advent of laser printers. Then she flipped the book over and, lo and behold, it had a bar code on the back. Let's think for a moment here folks, bar codes exist to be scanned by computers, and these two are of the opinion that their's is a first edition printing!
The really scary part of this story, aside from the fact that a desert scene, Japanese Nippon Porcelain vase, now goes for three grand, is that these are two attractive people in their early to mid-twenties; right in the baby-making wheelhouse. If these two procreate it's time for humanity to just pull up tent stakes and make room for the Gila Monsters (I hear they're smart).
In keeping with this topic (stupid people, not Nippon porcelain, we can discuss that in the comments section), I thought I'd share a phone conversation I had with someone at the customer service branch of U.S. Airways. As some of you may know I was supposed to go on vacation last week. Sadly, my grandmother passed away the night before my flight to Lake Tahoe and I was unable to fly. My friends of course consoled me with the knowledge that I would at least be able to get my money back for the flight owing to my cancellation being the result of a death in the family. Such is a transcript of the conversation I had in pursuit of said refund:
Me: Hi, yes I'd like to get a refund for the flight I missed. Sadly there was a death in my family and I was unable to go on vacation.
Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK sir, can I have your flight confirmation number?
Me: Reciting an unmemorable medley of letters and number
Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK I'm showing a zero balance on this flight.
Me: What's that mean
IWUPTBAA: Well sir the computer is showing you've missed the flight
Me: Yes, that's because today's Wednesday and the flight was last Saturday night. I couldn't make the flight because my grandmother died, remember?
IWUPTBAA: Well sir what I can do for you is restore the value of your ticket to its initial $128
Me (Naively): Thank you.
IWUPTBAA: Of course there will be a $100 reissuing fee if you do reschedule
Me (confused): What? Wait if i want to use the $128 ticket you just reinstated, I have to pay a $100 fee? Isn't that just a $28 refund?
IWUPTBAA (that's really starting to get annoying to type): Well sir, there will be a fee as per company policy for rescheduling a canceled ticket.
Me (frustrated): But we just went through this I didn't cancel the ticket my grandmother died!
IWUPTBAA: I'm very sorry sir but we don't have a bereavement policy
Me (wondering if an entire generation of people are under the opinion that airlines have a bereavement policy because of a Seinfeld episode): You don't?
IWUTBAAA: No sir, I mean if you died we'd refund your ticket, but not for relatives.
Me: If I died!? you mean if I called up from the after life and asked you to refund my ticket you'd do so? What if I died on one of your flights, would I get a full refund or would it be pro rata, based on how close we got to the intended destination before plunging into to sea and exploding into thousands of fiery bits?
IWUPTBAA (Completely ignoring my vivid imagery): I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help sir, but next time please call in advance of your flight.
Me: Well I certainly hope my grandmother won't die again.
IWUPTBAA: Yes sir, I do as well hope this does not happen.
Me: !@#$%^&*
Jan 17, 2008
BUT I DONT WANNA BE A PIRATE
Hello again readers,
Much like the intrepid reporters of yesteryear, who embedded themselves in deadly conflicts to provide the American public with a true and honest depiction of the perils being faced by enlisted men and women, I come to you today with news from the front, the CLE (continuing Legal Education) front that is. (Yes, I know i just ended a sentence with "is" but it's late and I don't feel like rewording).
I am sad to say friends, all is not well.
If you've read part one of this four part series on CLE's you're aware of the fact that many lawyers out there think, "Does anyone have any questions?" is actually a prompt for people to ask questions, rather than a subtle indication that the lecture is over. Well, it appears, shocking as it may seem, I've underestimated the disease afflicting these question asker's. Yesterday, not only were there questions asked, arguments were posed. Yes that's right readers, someone actually spent time trying to prove a lecturer wrong. There is, I grant, some benefit to asking questions of or challenging the assertion of a professor who is responsible for grading you (though in my personal experience they don't take kindly to being shown up), but when it's a talk on small firm economics being given by a geriatric, a twenty-seven year old should know better.
Speaking of knowing better, you'd think a bar association would know better than to hire a lecturer with a ponytail. Men shouldn't have ponytails. This is an ironclad rule. However, there are forgivable, if inexcusable exceptions, for example lawyers for a punk rock band, a mid-change transvestite (or is it transgender?) horse enthusiasts even. A seventy something year old Jewish lawyer from NY with a head full or gray hair, not on the list.
This isn't exactly a scientific observation but based on law school, my bar review classes, and the past two CLE classes I attended, consisting, almost exclusively, of lawyers between the ages of 25-30, I am forced to conclude that lawyers are not an attractive group. I know this seems somewhat counter intuitive after years of of TV shows about lawyers starring pretty people. But there's just now way around it, the proof is irrefutable (OK that part's not true), I am sad to say readers, this seems to be one of those rare occasions where TV just flat out lied to us.
Gay professors make more interesting lecturers. I'm not making any judgments about sexuality (the Bible does that for me, sodomites!), but the fact remains they seem more eager to please, or maybe they're just bottoms.
You have to show up extra early to get a seat in the back. I find this paradoxical in that, generally speaking, you'd think that the people who show up early would be the ones interested in hearing the lecture and not sitting in the back playing Su-Doku and hangman. Anyone have any theories?
Much like the intrepid reporters of yesteryear, who embedded themselves in deadly conflicts to provide the American public with a true and honest depiction of the perils being faced by enlisted men and women, I come to you today with news from the front, the CLE (continuing Legal Education) front that is. (Yes, I know i just ended a sentence with "is" but it's late and I don't feel like rewording).
I am sad to say friends, all is not well.
If you've read part one of this four part series on CLE's you're aware of the fact that many lawyers out there think, "Does anyone have any questions?" is actually a prompt for people to ask questions, rather than a subtle indication that the lecture is over. Well, it appears, shocking as it may seem, I've underestimated the disease afflicting these question asker's. Yesterday, not only were there questions asked, arguments were posed. Yes that's right readers, someone actually spent time trying to prove a lecturer wrong. There is, I grant, some benefit to asking questions of or challenging the assertion of a professor who is responsible for grading you (though in my personal experience they don't take kindly to being shown up), but when it's a talk on small firm economics being given by a geriatric, a twenty-seven year old should know better.
Speaking of knowing better, you'd think a bar association would know better than to hire a lecturer with a ponytail. Men shouldn't have ponytails. This is an ironclad rule. However, there are forgivable, if inexcusable exceptions, for example lawyers for a punk rock band, a mid-change transvestite (or is it transgender?) horse enthusiasts even. A seventy something year old Jewish lawyer from NY with a head full or gray hair, not on the list.
This isn't exactly a scientific observation but based on law school, my bar review classes, and the past two CLE classes I attended, consisting, almost exclusively, of lawyers between the ages of 25-30, I am forced to conclude that lawyers are not an attractive group. I know this seems somewhat counter intuitive after years of of TV shows about lawyers starring pretty people. But there's just now way around it, the proof is irrefutable (OK that part's not true), I am sad to say readers, this seems to be one of those rare occasions where TV just flat out lied to us.
Gay professors make more interesting lecturers. I'm not making any judgments about sexuality (the Bible does that for me, sodomites!), but the fact remains they seem more eager to please, or maybe they're just bottoms.
You have to show up extra early to get a seat in the back. I find this paradoxical in that, generally speaking, you'd think that the people who show up early would be the ones interested in hearing the lecture and not sitting in the back playing Su-Doku and hangman. Anyone have any theories?
Jan 10, 2008
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'RE A MORON
Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day (True) readers,
I apologize for the lag between posts but there was a death in my family and respect forestalled me from sharing my curmudgeonliness. I thank you in advance for your condolences and reply to them with a tilted head, bobbing ever so slightly, as I say, "Thank you, yeah, I'm OK, she was 89 she had a good, long life." With that awkward moment out of the way we can now focus on the matter at hand. We don't have a matter at hand, you say? Fair point. How about I tell you about my CLE class instead? Wonderful.
Continuing Legal Education (CLE's) classes, are a strange place. It's not like law school or college where everyone taking the class wants to be there or at the very least chose to be there. Instead, what you have is a motley crew of assorted lawyers, the overachievers, the underachievers, the "Where am I's" and the "When can I get out of here's. " As one might expect in a lecture series that starts at 5:30pm, after a full day of work, the back rows were first to fill up. Your Royal Curmudgeonliness, not accustomed to having to having to arrive on time to functions, let alone early (the very word spoils in my mouth), was forced to sit in the front row. To a lesser man such a tragedy would have resulted in three and a half hours of, dare I say it, paying attention. Fear not, however, readers, I would never betray you like that. Napping and conversing being impossible, I simply resorted to note passing with a colleague, the following were my observations.
- Einstein's early work in proving that time can pass at different speeds for different people given the proper circumstances was, in my opinion inspired by attending a CLE class. I myself, well aware of the theory of relativity, was shocked to discover that when I walked out of the class it was still the same day. I don't think it would be an unfair comparison to equate CLE's importance to the theory of relativity, with Newton's apple.
- Apparently some people out there still don't realize "Are there any questions?" is actually code for "If no one is stupid enough to ask a question we can all leave 15 minutes early." This is somewhat troublesome as there are attorney's people who've been in class for around 22 years. If you haven't figured this out in 22 years, the human race is much worse off than I thought. Then again I think this would be a great way to cut down interview times. Just ask the prospective employee, when you hear the words, "Are there any questions?" do you raise your hand or not?
- "Oh, I know someone from your law school," is apparently viewed as an acceptable conversation starter. This is wrong, if the following: lack of eye contact, one word answers and distracted looking around, are not clear enough signs that I have no interest in conversation, the human race is... well you get the point. What's even more saddening is that the culprits weren't even the hand raisers. At least if it was them you could just say a a group they're incapable of reading between the lines. Instead, we've doubled our idiot population.
- Old people bob their heads a lot. Have you ever noticed this? Ever have a senior citizen or even someone over 50 in your class? Look at their head while the professor lectures, they're constantly bobbing. Maybe old people have lost the rebel in them and will just agree to anything or maybe they're so senile they feel like if they make a show of agreeing no one will know they haven't understood a word anyone's said since the Reagen administration.
(Rejected hypothetical reasons for senior citizen head bobbing deemed too insensitive for inclusion: Weak neck muscles, its actually wobbling, not bobbing; Being out of a rocking chair is a traumatic experience, the head bobbing is a soothing placebo)
- People lose all sense of what is funny in CLE's. I'm convinced that these volunteer professors volunteer for the express purpose of having people laugh at their disturbingly unfunny jokes. I'd reproduce some examples here but I didn't even know they were jokes till after I heard the laughing. The only amusing thing about this is that these guys must wonder why people don't think they're funny outside of CLE's. I can only hope they try an amateur stand up routine.
More to come after Wednesday's class.
I apologize for the lag between posts but there was a death in my family and respect forestalled me from sharing my curmudgeonliness. I thank you in advance for your condolences and reply to them with a tilted head, bobbing ever so slightly, as I say, "Thank you, yeah, I'm OK, she was 89 she had a good, long life." With that awkward moment out of the way we can now focus on the matter at hand. We don't have a matter at hand, you say? Fair point. How about I tell you about my CLE class instead? Wonderful.
Continuing Legal Education (CLE's) classes, are a strange place. It's not like law school or college where everyone taking the class wants to be there or at the very least chose to be there. Instead, what you have is a motley crew of assorted lawyers, the overachievers, the underachievers, the "Where am I's" and the "When can I get out of here's. " As one might expect in a lecture series that starts at 5:30pm, after a full day of work, the back rows were first to fill up. Your Royal Curmudgeonliness, not accustomed to having to having to arrive on time to functions, let alone early (the very word spoils in my mouth), was forced to sit in the front row. To a lesser man such a tragedy would have resulted in three and a half hours of, dare I say it, paying attention. Fear not, however, readers, I would never betray you like that. Napping and conversing being impossible, I simply resorted to note passing with a colleague, the following were my observations.
- Einstein's early work in proving that time can pass at different speeds for different people given the proper circumstances was, in my opinion inspired by attending a CLE class. I myself, well aware of the theory of relativity, was shocked to discover that when I walked out of the class it was still the same day. I don't think it would be an unfair comparison to equate CLE's importance to the theory of relativity, with Newton's apple.
- Apparently some people out there still don't realize "Are there any questions?" is actually code for "If no one is stupid enough to ask a question we can all leave 15 minutes early." This is somewhat troublesome as there are attorney's people who've been in class for around 22 years. If you haven't figured this out in 22 years, the human race is much worse off than I thought. Then again I think this would be a great way to cut down interview times. Just ask the prospective employee, when you hear the words, "Are there any questions?" do you raise your hand or not?
- "Oh, I know someone from your law school," is apparently viewed as an acceptable conversation starter. This is wrong, if the following: lack of eye contact, one word answers and distracted looking around, are not clear enough signs that I have no interest in conversation, the human race is... well you get the point. What's even more saddening is that the culprits weren't even the hand raisers. At least if it was them you could just say a a group they're incapable of reading between the lines. Instead, we've doubled our idiot population.
- Old people bob their heads a lot. Have you ever noticed this? Ever have a senior citizen or even someone over 50 in your class? Look at their head while the professor lectures, they're constantly bobbing. Maybe old people have lost the rebel in them and will just agree to anything or maybe they're so senile they feel like if they make a show of agreeing no one will know they haven't understood a word anyone's said since the Reagen administration.
(Rejected hypothetical reasons for senior citizen head bobbing deemed too insensitive for inclusion: Weak neck muscles, its actually wobbling, not bobbing; Being out of a rocking chair is a traumatic experience, the head bobbing is a soothing placebo)
- People lose all sense of what is funny in CLE's. I'm convinced that these volunteer professors volunteer for the express purpose of having people laugh at their disturbingly unfunny jokes. I'd reproduce some examples here but I didn't even know they were jokes till after I heard the laughing. The only amusing thing about this is that these guys must wonder why people don't think they're funny outside of CLE's. I can only hope they try an amateur stand up routine.
More to come after Wednesday's class.
Jan 9, 2008
TWO BY TWO
The gloom is back dear readers. The sun has yet to show itself; dark, impenetrable, gunmetal gray clouds are dripping with triumph and warmth is slowly leaking away from the day like air from a life raft. Yes, it's fair to say, the gloom is most certainly back.
Days like these, cold, windy, wet mornings, filled with the promise of vengeance for the sins we committed taking pleasure in yesterday's temperance; for wishing winter would continue to betray itself, should be spent in bed, hiding from its wrath. Alas, such is not possible for me today. Instead I made my way to work and find myself sitting here in my office, venting my frustrations impotently. Also I have a three and and half hour CLE (continuing legal education) class tonight and I really, really don't wanna go.
Accordingly:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - CLE Classes - I thought I was done with classes, finished with homework, free of three and a half hour lectures on subjects too boring even for a six-part Ken Burns documentary on PBS. I remember my last class in law school with a surprising lack of clarity, I do, however, remember the dance I did when it was over, it would seem my moves were in vain. I am still waiting to hear back from 'Dancing with the Stars' however, so all hope isn't lost.
#4 - Scissors and Pants - How is it that these items only exist in pairs? Is there even a singular form of the word? And if there is, what the hell is a scissor? Is it one half of a pair of scissors? Because that doesn't seem like a specialized item so much as it does a knife. I get that it's two pieces but are we really, as a language, so unevolved that any time a object has multiple parts it needs to be referred to in the plural? And what about pants? Is a pant just one leg covering? Who would even invent a pant? OK, half a scissor has some use I guess but who needs only one leg of a pair of pants? Were pants invents by cheap Pirates looking to save money by not wasting fabric on their peg leg?
#3 - Paper Cuts - I'm not sure which is more annoying, the pain from having your finger sliced open, or the fact that it was done by a freaking sheet of paper. How can paper even cut skin? paper is weak, it covers rock, but that's about it. What's really amazing though, is that paper cuts are pretty much the most painful type of cut, it's almost like paper is showing off, reminding you that though it may look weak, it can still peel you open like a banana.
#2 - Dreams about waking up - Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up late and starts rushing to get ready, then you actually wake up and even though you woke up on time you still have that anxious feeling from the dream hovering over you like a reproachful ghost? No? Well I did. I dreamt I woke up and when I woke up for real it felt twice as bad, like I'd had to suffer through the whole ordeal again. I feel like I should get extra credit for being at the office by nine.
#1 - Channels that have yet to go HD - Do you know what it's like having an HDTV? Its like having a an uber accountant do a McDonald's counter guy's taxes. She may have tremendous abilities, but there's only so much you can do with a burger flippers W-2's (note: I don't actually know what a W-2 is, but I've heard the word used in reference to taxes). You know what they have in HD? Animals, sports, and CNN. I have 120 movie channels in my cable package and 6 are in HD. SIX! I haven't seen this much talent wasted since Ashlee Simpson stopped singing. What? she hasn't stopped singing? Why? She gets I was being ironic right? I'm not encouraging her am I? Ah what the hell...
#1a - Ashlee Simpson's singing - 'Nuff said.
Days like these, cold, windy, wet mornings, filled with the promise of vengeance for the sins we committed taking pleasure in yesterday's temperance; for wishing winter would continue to betray itself, should be spent in bed, hiding from its wrath. Alas, such is not possible for me today. Instead I made my way to work and find myself sitting here in my office, venting my frustrations impotently. Also I have a three and and half hour CLE (continuing legal education) class tonight and I really, really don't wanna go.
Accordingly:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - CLE Classes - I thought I was done with classes, finished with homework, free of three and a half hour lectures on subjects too boring even for a six-part Ken Burns documentary on PBS. I remember my last class in law school with a surprising lack of clarity, I do, however, remember the dance I did when it was over, it would seem my moves were in vain. I am still waiting to hear back from 'Dancing with the Stars' however, so all hope isn't lost.
#4 - Scissors and Pants - How is it that these items only exist in pairs? Is there even a singular form of the word? And if there is, what the hell is a scissor? Is it one half of a pair of scissors? Because that doesn't seem like a specialized item so much as it does a knife. I get that it's two pieces but are we really, as a language, so unevolved that any time a object has multiple parts it needs to be referred to in the plural? And what about pants? Is a pant just one leg covering? Who would even invent a pant? OK, half a scissor has some use I guess but who needs only one leg of a pair of pants? Were pants invents by cheap Pirates looking to save money by not wasting fabric on their peg leg?
#3 - Paper Cuts - I'm not sure which is more annoying, the pain from having your finger sliced open, or the fact that it was done by a freaking sheet of paper. How can paper even cut skin? paper is weak, it covers rock, but that's about it. What's really amazing though, is that paper cuts are pretty much the most painful type of cut, it's almost like paper is showing off, reminding you that though it may look weak, it can still peel you open like a banana.
#2 - Dreams about waking up - Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up late and starts rushing to get ready, then you actually wake up and even though you woke up on time you still have that anxious feeling from the dream hovering over you like a reproachful ghost? No? Well I did. I dreamt I woke up and when I woke up for real it felt twice as bad, like I'd had to suffer through the whole ordeal again. I feel like I should get extra credit for being at the office by nine.
#1 - Channels that have yet to go HD - Do you know what it's like having an HDTV? Its like having a an uber accountant do a McDonald's counter guy's taxes. She may have tremendous abilities, but there's only so much you can do with a burger flippers W-2's (note: I don't actually know what a W-2 is, but I've heard the word used in reference to taxes). You know what they have in HD? Animals, sports, and CNN. I have 120 movie channels in my cable package and 6 are in HD. SIX! I haven't seen this much talent wasted since Ashlee Simpson stopped singing. What? she hasn't stopped singing? Why? She gets I was being ironic right? I'm not encouraging her am I? Ah what the hell...
#1a - Ashlee Simpson's singing - 'Nuff said.
Jan 8, 2008
SUNNY DAYS
Morning all,
It is beautiful here in NY, a warm sunny 68 degree January day. The kind of day that makes you wonder why politicians are against global warming; the kind of day makes you contemplate trading in your hybrid for a Hummer; the kind of day that makes it hard for even misanthropes like me to find flaw with the world. I suppose I could still try, after all, I made use of public transportation this morning and Baseball's opening day is neigh three months away, but it wouldn't be genuine, and I'm not going to try and sate you, dear readers, with synthetic agitation. Do not fear, however, just because I am in a good mood doesn't mean I will deprive you of your pass time. I remain your friend in your daily quest to fritter away the hours of this coil known as the work day. To that end here is today's list.
Actually, a brief aside. The inspiration for this list was a conversation I had with a friend about ten years ago, in which I spoke of the need for man to invent a car that could park itself. Recent commercials by Lexus involving, a car parking itself between two pyramids of champagne flutes (let that serve as a lesson to all of you who think you own a parking spot just because you put up champagne flute pyramids), have made it clear that what was once just a crazy dream in my head, has become reality. It's also been made clear to me, mostly by the ATM flipping me off after I attempted a withdrawal, that I didn't make any money off this Jules Verne-esque insight into the future. Keeping that in mind I am now going to document for you and my future patent and copyright attorneys, my:
Things Someone Needs to Make
#10 - The Auto-pilot car - For those of us who can't afford chauffeurs hate public transportation but still want to bill hours on the drive in to work.
#9 - The psychic dictation system - You know how sometimes you have an idea but you can't explain it, the psychic dictation system will convert your unorganized thoughts into words. So the next time you find yourself going "oooh oooh, it's like that ummm, you know..." we'll actually know.
#8 - The blackball radio system - Ever take a road trip with a bunch of people one of whom had awful musical taste? With the blackball radio system you can forestall his attempts to control the radio simply by pushing the blackball button. Disco music ruining your vacation? Not with the blackball radio system.
#7 - The automatic judging system - People not appreciate your joke? Friend think he's funnier than he is? Boss giving you bad advice? Simply call the automatic judging system and let them rule for you. Its like binding arbitration without having to pay lawyers, damn me and my inventions.
#6 - Scratch n Sniff TV - Yes I watch cooking shows, get over it! Cooking is cool. Anyway, if we can project moving images of people thousands of miles away into our homes, can't we also get the smell in there, how am I supposed to know if the food is good without being able to smell it?
#5 - The Make Your Own Movie Studio - Your favorite show get cancelled? A classic movie get no love from the stuffed shirts? Want to see a sequel? With the make your own movie studio software you can find people who agree with you pool your money and finance your own movie, with actual Hollywood stars.
#4 - The Job Exchange Program - Say you find yourself torn, you want to pursue a career in motor cross, but can't quite give up your dreams of being a mime. With the Job exchange program, you simply sign up for your dual career interests and if there is a match you and your doppelganger can swap careers for a year.
#3 The Let's Go To The Videotape (HD-dvd) Conversation Recorder - I promise I'll take out the garbage when the game is over; If you buy me these shoes I'll never ask for anything else ever again; I, Jennifer Love Hewitt, promise never to get fat and disappoint my fans who supported me despite my overly pointy chin. Wish you'd been smart enough to get these promises on tape? Wish no more, with the LGTTVCR all your conversations will be recorded via a microchip inserted into your inner ear so when some Hollywood actress, who shall go unnamed ,decides to store food in her saddlebags for hibernation, you'll have the goods.
#2 - PMS early warning system - it's like the missile defense shield, only way more important
#1 - The Conversation Remote Control - Imagine having the power to mute your wife, or change the topic of conversation with a simple press of the channel up button. The CRC promises both entertainment and peace. I suppose it could work on husbands as well but well, is it really necessary?
It is beautiful here in NY, a warm sunny 68 degree January day. The kind of day that makes you wonder why politicians are against global warming; the kind of day makes you contemplate trading in your hybrid for a Hummer; the kind of day that makes it hard for even misanthropes like me to find flaw with the world. I suppose I could still try, after all, I made use of public transportation this morning and Baseball's opening day is neigh three months away, but it wouldn't be genuine, and I'm not going to try and sate you, dear readers, with synthetic agitation. Do not fear, however, just because I am in a good mood doesn't mean I will deprive you of your pass time. I remain your friend in your daily quest to fritter away the hours of this coil known as the work day. To that end here is today's list.
Actually, a brief aside. The inspiration for this list was a conversation I had with a friend about ten years ago, in which I spoke of the need for man to invent a car that could park itself. Recent commercials by Lexus involving, a car parking itself between two pyramids of champagne flutes (let that serve as a lesson to all of you who think you own a parking spot just because you put up champagne flute pyramids), have made it clear that what was once just a crazy dream in my head, has become reality. It's also been made clear to me, mostly by the ATM flipping me off after I attempted a withdrawal, that I didn't make any money off this Jules Verne-esque insight into the future. Keeping that in mind I am now going to document for you and my future patent and copyright attorneys, my:
Things Someone Needs to Make
#10 - The Auto-pilot car - For those of us who can't afford chauffeurs hate public transportation but still want to bill hours on the drive in to work.
#9 - The psychic dictation system - You know how sometimes you have an idea but you can't explain it, the psychic dictation system will convert your unorganized thoughts into words. So the next time you find yourself going "oooh oooh, it's like that ummm, you know..." we'll actually know.
#8 - The blackball radio system - Ever take a road trip with a bunch of people one of whom had awful musical taste? With the blackball radio system you can forestall his attempts to control the radio simply by pushing the blackball button. Disco music ruining your vacation? Not with the blackball radio system.
#7 - The automatic judging system - People not appreciate your joke? Friend think he's funnier than he is? Boss giving you bad advice? Simply call the automatic judging system and let them rule for you. Its like binding arbitration without having to pay lawyers, damn me and my inventions.
#6 - Scratch n Sniff TV - Yes I watch cooking shows, get over it! Cooking is cool. Anyway, if we can project moving images of people thousands of miles away into our homes, can't we also get the smell in there, how am I supposed to know if the food is good without being able to smell it?
#5 - The Make Your Own Movie Studio - Your favorite show get cancelled? A classic movie get no love from the stuffed shirts? Want to see a sequel? With the make your own movie studio software you can find people who agree with you pool your money and finance your own movie, with actual Hollywood stars.
#4 - The Job Exchange Program - Say you find yourself torn, you want to pursue a career in motor cross, but can't quite give up your dreams of being a mime. With the Job exchange program, you simply sign up for your dual career interests and if there is a match you and your doppelganger can swap careers for a year.
#3 The Let's Go To The Videotape (HD-dvd) Conversation Recorder - I promise I'll take out the garbage when the game is over; If you buy me these shoes I'll never ask for anything else ever again; I, Jennifer Love Hewitt, promise never to get fat and disappoint my fans who supported me despite my overly pointy chin. Wish you'd been smart enough to get these promises on tape? Wish no more, with the LGTTVCR all your conversations will be recorded via a microchip inserted into your inner ear so when some Hollywood actress, who shall go unnamed ,decides to store food in her saddlebags for hibernation, you'll have the goods.
#2 - PMS early warning system - it's like the missile defense shield, only way more important
#1 - The Conversation Remote Control - Imagine having the power to mute your wife, or change the topic of conversation with a simple press of the channel up button. The CRC promises both entertainment and peace. I suppose it could work on husbands as well but well, is it really necessary?
Jan 4, 2008
SPELT
Good (enter part of day at time you're reading this) readers,
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#4 - The Restaurant at the Holocaust Museum in downtown Manhattan - OK I get it, people come to the museum,they spend the day there contemplating how awful man can be, and despite the horrors they are exposed to they can't help being hungry, so you serve food, fine, I can understand that, my question is how do you do takeout and delivery!? How do you even answer the phone? "Holocaust museum, can I take your order?"
#3 - Power Cords - How is it that we don't have a universal power cord yet? I think I have about thirty-five power cords and adapters stashed throughout my home. I don't know what they power or adapt, but I'm afraid to throw them out nonetheless, on the off chance I'll discover what it is they go with. This, despite the fact I probably have more plugs than outlets by now. It's sad how much power they have over me, mocking me with their uselessness, their laziness, their ability to sit there unmolested, safe in the knowledge that I will never be able to rid myself of them. Thinking about it, they have my dream job. By the way if anyone does invent a universal power cord, you owe me half!
#2 - Synchronized commercials - For those of you amateur TV watchers out there, pay attention, you'll learn something. You know how when you're watching TV you have to have an alternate channel? You have the show you're watching and when it goes to commercial you have your alternate to keep you entertained. It's a beautiful system, I've been using it for years. I've even worn the writing of the 'last channel' button on my remote. Everything was going along swimmingly, then some 3825-head at the network decides that his show loses too many viewers during commercials and he decides to synchronize his show, with the show your watching, and so the rest follow like evangelicals to Mike Huckabee, until you get to a point where, when your show goes to commercial, so does every other station.
#1 - Multiple spellings - Insure, ensure; Enquire, inquire; Theatre, theater - What the 3825? How did this happen? Did someone just say, "ah what the hell 'I' and 'E' are both vowels let em use whichever one they want. " Or, "they have all the right letters, is order really that important?" Yes! Yes it is, and don't even get me started on the difference between emigrant and immigrant!
#3 - Power Cords - How is it that we don't have a universal power cord yet? I think I have about thirty-five power cords and adapters stashed throughout my home. I don't know what they power or adapt, but I'm afraid to throw them out nonetheless, on the off chance I'll discover what it is they go with. This, despite the fact I probably have more plugs than outlets by now. It's sad how much power they have over me, mocking me with their uselessness, their laziness, their ability to sit there unmolested, safe in the knowledge that I will never be able to rid myself of them. Thinking about it, they have my dream job. By the way if anyone does invent a universal power cord, you owe me half!
#2 - Synchronized commercials - For those of you amateur TV watchers out there, pay attention, you'll learn something. You know how when you're watching TV you have to have an alternate channel? You have the show you're watching and when it goes to commercial you have your alternate to keep you entertained. It's a beautiful system, I've been using it for years. I've even worn the writing of the 'last channel' button on my remote. Everything was going along swimmingly, then some 3825-head at the network decides that his show loses too many viewers during commercials and he decides to synchronize his show, with the show your watching, and so the rest follow like evangelicals to Mike Huckabee, until you get to a point where, when your show goes to commercial, so does every other station.
#1 - Multiple spellings - Insure, ensure; Enquire, inquire; Theatre, theater - What the 3825? How did this happen? Did someone just say, "ah what the hell 'I' and 'E' are both vowels let em use whichever one they want. " Or, "they have all the right letters, is order really that important?" Yes! Yes it is, and don't even get me started on the difference between emigrant and immigrant!
Jan 1, 2008
I DON'T KNOW WHAT FRUMPY IS BUT ONOMOTOPOETICALLY, SOUNDS CORRECT
Welcome to 2008 readers. I hope this finds you you happy, healthy and enacting my aforementioned resolutions for the new year. Failing that, I hope you at least feel guilty. Anway rather than spend time thinking of segue or a new post idea I'm just going to continue a list I started a while back, 'English Aphorisms that Don't Make Any Sense.' For the original list click here: http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2006/03/secret-lives-of-orthapedists.html
'English Aphorisms that Don't Make Any Sense' Continued
'English Aphorisms that Don't Make Any Sense' Continued
Wait just a cotton pickin minute - Exactly what unit of time is 'a cotton pickin minute?' Is it shorter than a regular minute? Longer? It seems like it would be longer you know, picking cotton doesn't seem like an expedient activity. Then again, the use of 'just' implies a minimal request, so maybe it's shorter. More to the point, why do you want me to wait a cotton pickin minute at all? Do you have to go pick cotton before we get to whatever it is we're getting to? Don't we have machines for that now? As an aside, I'm surprise Al Sharpton hasn't spoken out against it's continued use, though I suppose he'll get to it in a cotton pickin minute.
The whole nine yards - The whole nine yards? I don't know which part of this expression bothers me more. The fact that nine yards isn't a unit of measure of anything (except for nine yards), or the fact that someone felt it necessary to add the word 'whole.' Maybe somebody started saying "that's the nine yards right there" and someone said "Is that good?" "Was I aiming for ten yards? 100?" and so in trying to save the completely arbitrary choice of number he made it "the whole nine yards" so people would at least know it was a good thing.
Rome wasn't built in day - I know what this expression means. I know it espouses patience. I will even concede that Rome was not, in fact, built in a single day. What I don't understand, however, is, who the hell thought Rome was built in a day? When is this expression useful? Is there some foreman out there whipping constuction workers screaming; "Come on build faster, afterall, if they could build Rome in a day..." Seriously, if you were waiting for someone to let's say finish putting together a model airplane before going to a movie and you asked if they were done yet, and they responded, "Rome wasnt built in a day, you know," wouldn't you say "No sh*t Sherlock (now that's an idiom I can get behind), but you can put a model airplane together in under three hours!"
It's not rocket science - Things that are more difficult than rocket science, finding the cures for: AIDS, paralysis, blindness, male pattern baldness, erectile dysfucntion; making a car that can park itself; explaining how Pauley Shore is a millionaire; getting an American to talk to you when you call customer service. Of all the difficult things in the world to choose from, we've settled on rocket science as our paradogmatic example? I can go into Toys R' Us and buy a fully functioning rocket for ages 4 and up for $11.95, don't think I'll find a cure for lupus there though.
Love means never having to say your sorry - What a load of crap! Think about it, do you know of anyone apologizes more than married men? There are cold hard hermit criminal child rapist murders out there who are completely and totally unloved, they will probably go their entire lives without ever apologizing, but if you have a girlfriend you'll spend 45% of your day telling yourself you're not going to apologize and 37% of it apologizing (The other 18 percent is spent in the bathroom and or watching/reading about sports).
Love means never having to say your sorry - What a load of crap! Think about it, do you know of anyone apologizes more than married men? There are cold hard hermit criminal child rapist murders out there who are completely and totally unloved, they will probably go their entire lives without ever apologizing, but if you have a girlfriend you'll spend 45% of your day telling yourself you're not going to apologize and 37% of it apologizing (The other 18 percent is spent in the bathroom and or watching/reading about sports).
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