THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP

I'm feeling pretty good this morning.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I don't have to be in court today.  I have to say though, this isn't some random cosmic coincidence, no, it has a cause, a first mover an original actor so to speak, and that actor is I.  You see, it can all be traced back to the nap I took yesterday afternoon.  Now, I grant you, there's no scientific evidence directly connecting my napping habits to the following day's weather pattern or the unified court system for that matter, but, and I think this is key, there isn't anything disproving it either.  I'll admit I don't know why it happens this way, aside from Newton's third law, but the fact remains the world always seems to be a better place after I've napped, ooh and after a good meal, especially if it was free and required no cleanup.  Now, because I am in a good mood and feeling generous, I'm prepared to share with you this world changing power, this salt in the cloud of slumber.  You see not just any nap will change the world.  This is actually a common misconception.  In fact, the fall of Ottoman Empire can be tied directly to the mistaken belief of His Imperial Majesty, The Sultan Abdülhamid II, Emperor of the Ottomans, Caliph of the Faithful, or Abd Al-Hamid II Khan Ghazi as his friends called him when they were short of breath, that just any old nap would suffice. So, before you find yourself responsible for the collapse of an empire and the loss of thousands of innocent lives, let me lay out the rules.

The Nappist's Manifesto

Rule #1: Your nap must commence during daylight hours.  This does not mean that it is OK to nap anytime the sun is shinning, only that one cannot nap AFTER the sun has set. It is important to remember this distinction especially during daylight savings time when the sun is up well past when you should be down.

Rule #2: The primary afternoon napping hours are between three and six pm.  Now, while I do suggest that you sleep during these particular hours, it has become clear to me that this is somewhat frowned up on at the workplace, so as long as you start your nap within this period you're safe.

Rule #3: A proper nap, contrary to the false gospels of the so-called "power nappers" (see yesterday's discussion on words in quotation marks), lasts between 90 minutes and two hours.  The human body sleeps in 90 minute cycles and to gain the full benefit of your nap you should sleep at least that much.  Also there isn't really anything good on TV till at least 7.

Rule #4: Shut your phone off.  Don't tell people you're napping, please don't call.  Sadly, there are too many His Imperial Majesty, The Sultan Abdülhamid II, Emperor of the Ottomans, Caliph of the Faithful in this world, people who don't give the nap proper respect and will assume it's safe to call you after 45 minutes or an hour.  These people are the devil and we must fight them with every tool in our arsenal, particularly the off button.

Rule #5: Blackout.  If you are a worker (unite!) and getting home just in time to get into bed before the nap window closes, odds are when you wake up (assuming you don't follow the advice of the false power-nap prophets) it will be dark outside.  As you are most vulnerable in the minutes and sometimes hours after your nap (depending on your level of experience), this shift can delay your recovery unless you prepare.  I suggest closing the blinds, lights and perhaps even donning a blindfold or a t-shirt if you aren't depraved enough to have a blindfold handy.

Rule #6: No matter what anyone asks or tells you remember the following lines:
- I had a really hard day at work
- I didn't sleep well at all last night
- I got into bed at 6, but I didnt fall asleep till almost 7
- I set my alarm clock I have no idea how that happened
- I must not have had service, my phone was on

There are more rules but I can't hand them out to beginners just yet, and besides, it's almost prime morning nap time.