THE WEEKENDER

It would appear I missed a rather important occasion yesterday.  In my haste to brighten your day and beg for your money, I failed to realize that THE AFTERMATHH: PART II was actually the one hundredth post on this here blog (by the way, I know Microsoft is stodgy and everything, I am afterall almost an Apple person, but how does blog still come up as misspelled on Word).  True some of the posting are rather short and would be excluded by a more impartial jury, but fortunately, I don’t care.  I reached 100 and you know what that means… RESIDUALS!  To be honest I don’t actually know what that means, but I’m pretty sure like everything else that reached 100 episodes, my blog will be on TBS and TNT approximately 400 times a day, right between Law & Order and The Office re-runs.
For our 101st post I’d like to turn to the found comedy section of the blog. Today’s contenders are a sanitation worker sitting in a car with a sign two doors long saying, ‘Help keep our air clean, don’t idle’ leaving the engine idling; A pro football player with low expectations; and three people from building maintenance who spent twenty three minutes trying to unlock an office door (its always the 437th key).
And the winner!

From the ‘I think we may want to clarify the standards for sainthood category’ comes Osi Umenyiora. For those of you unfamiliar with the name, Osi is a defensive end for the NY Football Giants and a millionaire many times over. He’s also according to most reports a pretty nice fellow. That being said I’m reasonably sure he’s spending too much time with the rich and indiscriminate.
Said Osi of a fellow NLF’er Drew Brees: “He’s a boy scout man. I didn’t know him too well before. I must tell you he’s probably the best guy I’ve ever met in my life as far he does everything the right way… He says all the right things, doesn’t cheat on his wife, nothing. He’s the best guy you’ll ever meet in this life, man. Trust me.”

Look I know it’s easy to hook up with women when you’re a rich, famous professional athlete with the body of a GI Joe action figure. I know mammals, for the most part, aren’t naturally monogamous and even elephants, the uptight accountants of the animal kingdom, keep harems of trunk junk around. Still, in the larger scheme of things, if I had to choose one attribute to use as an example of why someone is “the best guy you’ll ever meet in this life” I don’t think I’d lead with “he doesn’t cheat on his wife, nothing.”

This might also be a bit of a minor quibble, but is that what boy scouts are famous for, not cheating on their wives?  Aren't most boy scouts like 12?  I feel like by the time they're old enough to cheat on their wives the whole boy scout aura has probably faded.  Would you really be surprised if it turned out David Letterman used to be a boy scout?  And another thing, they're famous for being able to start fires with sticks and leaves how did they become the go to example for nice?  Volunteer fire fighters seem nice, they save people's lives, they get cats out of trees, no one uses them as an example.  There must be a union or something, boy scouts, brain surgeons and rockets scientists, a regular AFL-CIO of hackneyed hyperbole.  Also, if I was Osi’s wife, I think I’d start re-reading my pre-nup (you don't have to be rocket scientist to see that coming).  Call me!