THE GREAT PIG SCARE

For those of you in New York (my readership is after all world-wide), I'd like to welcome you back to Fall. Until tomorrow, at which point I'll be welcoming you back to Spring, and then next week, when I welcome back to either Fall or Winter depending on the trade winds coming up from the Canary Islands. Either way though, welcome to 'OH MY GOD THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF H1N1 FLU SHOTS!' season.

Don't worry though, I think I have a solution. You see, I've been through these so-called "crises" before (I feel like quotation marks don't give me the same level of sarcams air quotes do so please close you eyes and pretend you can see me doing it, sure, fine, you can use Megan Fox too, just keep it clean, OK? I'd really hate to be responsible for your morning "calisthenics"). I remember the celebrations at CNN and MSNBC when Avian flu, El Nino (I don't know how to do the accent thing, does that make me a racist?) and Killer African bees fed news cycle after news cycle like a Jesus fish and I think we can use those lessons to solve the vaccine "crisis". First, take the hospital mask you got back during the avian flu of '07 and put it on, then, take the bottled water, and sandbags you bought to protect you from El Nino flooding and barricade yourself in your apartment. Now this is the most important part, so listen carefully. Once you're safely locked into your apartment with no hope of anyone being able to break in, take the bug spray you bought to kill the Killer African bees and Binaca that sucker, 'cuz honestly, if you fell for every one of those 'it's just like Michael Crichton said, we're all going to die' scams then I fear a thinning of the herd might be in order.

I'm kidding. I love you all very much and I don't approve of suicide, though, in an interesting sidebar, I was walking in the city, eavesdropping on strangers conversations as is my wont (don't judge me) when I overheard these two guys talking about their suicide support group. Apprently, this group wasn't to prevent people from committing suicide, it was for preventing them from trying it AGAIN! Can you imagine it, an entire room full of people who've all tried to kill themselves (I have a sneaking suspicion I'm getting close to that 'he should NOT have made that joke' line)? I feel like if I could just find this place, I could probably become a cult leader by the end of the month! How cool would that be!?

Update: I do apologize, I owe a shout out to my breeding habits expert and source for all things polygamous - my friendly neighborhood chinaman.

P.S. We won another game of dodgeball, I think i prefered being historically bad to depressingly unmemorably mediocre.