HAPPY SYPHILIS DAY!

Sorry for the late start today Readers, but some of us are on what I like to call VAAAAY CAAAAY SHUUUUUN!!! Yes that's right, thanks to that fearless explorer Christopher Columbus, I slept in, had nice relaxing breakfast while perusing the internet, then hung out by the subway station pointing and laughing at all the people heading into work. Yes, I know, you didn't realize today was Columbus Day. Heck (it's too early in the day for Hell), you didn't even realize that Columbus Day was worthy of a day off of work. Now, while I could blame you and your obviously poor calendar reading skills, I'm instead going to give you the benefit of the doubt (if you're reading this you're obviously smarter than those ardipithecus ramidus out there on TMZ right now... it's OK just close it, I won't tell.) and blame whoever out there made Columbus Day a 'Day' in the first place. Which brings us to my point, exactly how low are our award standards?

Before I get too into facts and whatnot -Knowledge drop - whatnot means, nothing. If you're ever having a conversation with a friend, parent, co-worker, employee, significant other, employer, waiter, mechanic or sex worker and they add 'whatnot' to a list of things that they've done, they haven't done anything.

Exempli gratia:
Random person who, since I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt today, we'll assume isn't a sex worker: So that'll be $300
You: $300? For what?
RPWSIGYTBOTDTWAIASW: Well I did a lot
You: Like what?
RPWSIGYTBOTDTWAIASW: Well, I went to the store for you and I had to pick up the necessities and whatnot.
YOU (Before reading this post): OK.
YOU (after reading this post): You filthy good for nothing lying sack of vomit, how dare you lie to me!? You think I'm stupid or something!? I'm on to you mom!

Anyway, I may have gotten distracted there, where was I? Ah yes Facts and whatnot. Now most of these facts are coming from Wikipedia, which means that the greatest minds in the world have had a chance to input their amazing stores of historical knowledge into the internet so everything on it is at least 100% accurate, maybe more. So, onto Columbus. Here's what I've been able to glean from 8 minutes of exhaustive research and that song that begins 'In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue'

-Columbus discovered the Bahamas and thought he landed in Asia, India in particular.
-Upon finding these 'Indians' he remarked that they seemed like they'd make good servants.
- Columbus had sex with lots of them and brought syphilis to Europe.
- For all his good work Columbus was made governor at which point: The native Taino people of the island were systematically enslaved and murdered. Hundreds were rounded up and shipped to Europe to be sold; many died en route. For the rest of the population, Columbus demanded that all Taino under his control should bring the Spaniards gold. Those who didn't were to have their hands cut off. Since there was, in fact, little gold to be had, the Taino fled, and the Spaniards hunted them down and killed them. The Taino tried to mount a resistance, but the Spanish weaponry was superior, and European diseases ravaged their population. In despair, the Taino engaged in mass suicide, even killing their own children to save them from the Spaniards. Within two years, half of what may have been 250,000 Taino were dead. The remainder were taken as slaves and set to work on plantations, where the mortality rate was very high. By 1550, 60 years after Columbus landed, only a few hundred Taino were left on their island. In another hundred years, perhaps only a handful remained.
- He hanged some of his crew for disobeying him
- Was arrested by the King of Spain for mismanagement and stripped of his governorship.

AMERICAN HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look I'm all for low standards. I wish more women and my bosses had them, but I have to say Columbus day kind of irks me. If all it takes to get a day is get lost; call South America, Asia; Enslave, torture, slaughter and drive a native people to mass suicide; hang your employees; get fired by your boss and sent to jail, then should at least have one day by now, maybe two. Not to mention a Nobel Peace Prize. I kid because I love, Barack.

OK that was tiring, I think I'll go nap now.