This post is kind of long so, here it is:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Getting an embarrassingly girly song stuck in your head – You know it’s happened to you before, you’re in CVS trying to decide between chunky monkey, and cinnamon and oatmeal chunk ice cream when before you know it bam, you’re singing along to Britney Spears, the words pouring out of your mouth like a P.O.W. trying to avoid a cavity search. You try to hide it after, pretend you didn’t just spill state secrets to protect your sphincter, but the fact remains you just said the words, “but all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, stay with you day and night, baby all I need is time.” and an entire store full of people heard it.
#2 - The word February – Feb-RU-ary? – What the hell is up with that first “r” it’s not like it serves any purpose, there isn’t a person alive who pronounces it. I’m convinced it’s just one of those inventions made up for those anal retentive, compulsively judgmental, speech obsessed, ninnies who enjoy pointing out other people’s flaws for no reason other than it gives them pleasure to see the look in said people’s faces when they realize that they are, in fact, morons. Hmmm, on second thought, never mind.
#3 - Peeing in moving vehicles – This one goes out to the guys who’ve ridden on busses or planes and been forced to balance in the bathroom with one hand while they aim with the other, trying desperately to keep the umm “spray,” dead center. It’s like that amusement park dollar game where you have to shoot the water into the clown’s mouth, only when you’re doing that you aren’t riding a rollercoaster.
#4 - Ear Buds – Exactly what is the philosophy behind the ear buds? Were they supposed to be gravity resistant? Is that why no one seems to have taken into account the fact that unless your aural cavity is the size of one of Patrick Ewing’s nostrils (http://members.aol.com/woopanice/EWING.HTM) or you’re one of those people who carry 10 liter jugs around on your head (http://www.ifad.org/photo/region/PI/IN.htm#), you’ll spend approximately 85% of your music listening time trying to find the lone head angle that will allow you to keep both those nefarious Q-tip wannabee’s in your ear? And then, of course, when you do find it, your phone rings.
#5 - People who tell baby stories over and over again – There are people who tell the same stories over and over and then there are people who tell you the same baby stories over and over, the difference? At least with the random story there is some small chance, however improbable the possibility, that you will find it interesting. On the other hand with the oft repeated baby story we have entered the realm of the improbable impossibility. No one, and by “no one” I mean everyone but baby obsessed women, has any interest in what your child, niece or nephew has done, it isn’t cute, it isn’t special, it’s just annoying and the reason is simple, nobody really cares about your baby.
Author’s Note: To those people I know who have babies…hmmm there really is no way to save this one is there?
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean My Mother
God. I'd like to give a shoutout to the man upstairs for creating sleep. In short, sleeps rocks like Sean Connery on Red Rull. And (for all would be you grammarians out there, you can start a sentence with "and"), in a show of respect for this blessing onto man, I gorged myself on sleep this weekend, I slept until I could sleep no more... and then I napped.
Question Of The Day
Why do mothers refer to boxers as underpants?
Question Within a Question Of The Day
Is "underpants" still even a word in usage, or has it gone the way of skivvies remaining the property of pirates and and women who wish nothing but shame on their children?
The Reason Is Because
"It was a one day sale, maam, Friday and Saturday only." - Bloomingdale's sales woman
Well at least we're not wasting America's great minds working retail at Bloomindales.
Jan 29, 2006
Jan 25, 2006
I'M BAAAAAAACK
The wait is over my friends. After 2 hearings, a certification paper memo, two papers, a return trip to the Chinese restaurant to pick up my forgotten knapsack and a well deserved nap, I have returned to you. I want you all to know that wasting my time being so productive during these past few days has never made me sadder and I am glad to report that I plan on doing no constructive work in the near future. With that said, onto my raison de etre, for those of you not versed in the language of intellectual snobs, that’s, “reason for being.” (one side note, it’s also an awesome beer).
Top 5 Things That Bothered Me This Week
#1 - Alarms – You know why I hate alarms, because they never signify anything good. Never. Think about it, have you ever set an alarm to remind you to take a nap? No. To go home from work? Don’t think so. The only reason people set alarms is to remind them to do things that they reeeeally don’t want to do. It’s like a conscience reminding you it’s not nice to make fun of the tongue size of the mentally challenged. You kind of knew it was wrong but until you got that left brain hip check from your better angels you were busy trying to think of what words rhyme with drool.
#2 - Getting ripped off by Jay Mohr – It’s one thing to have minor comic celebrity (he was in “Jerry Maguire” and umm, well he was in “Jerry Maguire”) rip off your material, but it’s a whole other thing when he steals my jokes and makes them less funny. Really this man is supposed to be a professional, least he could have done was call me for advice. To compare the two works follow these links:
http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/im-not-racist-but.html - numbers 1 and 5 respectively
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/jay_mohr/01/24/mohr.sports/index.html
#3 - People who answer token questions – Someone please update these people, just because I say “Hey, how are you?” When we get stuck together in an elevator after not seeing or speaking to you in 4 and a half months, doesn’t mean I have any interest in an actual answer. It is not an invitation for you to tell me just how sad and pathetic your life has become, will be, or continues to be. So I am going to say this once in the hopes that the rules can spread before I have to be in an elevator again. Here, for the record, are the acceptable answers to the token, “Hey. How are you?”
a) Good, yourself?
b) No complaints
c) Same old
d) You really don’t have to talk to me just because we got stuck in an elevator together, if you want we can just be quiet and stare at the floor counter until we get out.
I’ll personally be rooting for (d), but I’ll settle for any of the above.
#4- Girls who ask guys if they think another guy is cute – Let me put this is as simply as I can because I know your what a struggle it is for you to comprehend that there are people on this world who don’t want to discuss how just hot the guy from Securities Regulation class is. We know men can be good looking, (try not to pass out from the shock of this admission) but you know what? We’re still not going to answer, you know why. BECAUSE IT’S GAY! Also I hate to be the bearer of bad news (wow, was that a load of crap or what?) but if you’re a reasonably attractive girl asking this question, the answer will always be “no,” the reason being, all guys, everywhere, want all attractive girls for themselves. It’s an impossible task but we’re nothing if not ambitious.
#5 - People who say something too stupid insult – Sometimes, you hear something so singularly random and odd that what appears to be a perfect opportunity to humiliate actually becomes an instance of personal and professional pain. “My boyfriend has no sense of smell, but he eats tons.” I heard these words at lunch today and my brain literally overloaded. It’s like one of those science fiction movies where the good guys give the evil robot a math problem that has 1 + 1 = 0 and the robot starts smoking and muttering “does not compute” over and over until the building starts to collapse and the heroes run out right before the big explosion, only there were no robots, no explosions, and no math problems, just me muttering "does not compute," and a fat guy who can’t smell his own farts.
Pandering to Perverts
Girls in mens clothing – I’m going for the indecisive pervert audience today
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean My Clients
Whoever can answer this question for me – From which set of genitalia does a hermaphrodite pee? I will accept guess and logical arguments
The Reason Is Because
“We are the fattest nation in the country” – Me
It should probably be noted that me talking before my nap is generally inadvisable, but let no man say I am not willing to make fun of myself. As for what women say, well… actually, I think I’ve satisfied my stupid comment quota for the day, so, I care about what women say, really, I do.
Top 5 Things That Bothered Me This Week
#1 - Alarms – You know why I hate alarms, because they never signify anything good. Never. Think about it, have you ever set an alarm to remind you to take a nap? No. To go home from work? Don’t think so. The only reason people set alarms is to remind them to do things that they reeeeally don’t want to do. It’s like a conscience reminding you it’s not nice to make fun of the tongue size of the mentally challenged. You kind of knew it was wrong but until you got that left brain hip check from your better angels you were busy trying to think of what words rhyme with drool.
#2 - Getting ripped off by Jay Mohr – It’s one thing to have minor comic celebrity (he was in “Jerry Maguire” and umm, well he was in “Jerry Maguire”) rip off your material, but it’s a whole other thing when he steals my jokes and makes them less funny. Really this man is supposed to be a professional, least he could have done was call me for advice. To compare the two works follow these links:
http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/im-not-racist-but.html - numbers 1 and 5 respectively
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/jay_mohr/01/24/mohr.sports/index.html
#3 - People who answer token questions – Someone please update these people, just because I say “Hey, how are you?” When we get stuck together in an elevator after not seeing or speaking to you in 4 and a half months, doesn’t mean I have any interest in an actual answer. It is not an invitation for you to tell me just how sad and pathetic your life has become, will be, or continues to be. So I am going to say this once in the hopes that the rules can spread before I have to be in an elevator again. Here, for the record, are the acceptable answers to the token, “Hey. How are you?”
a) Good, yourself?
b) No complaints
c) Same old
d) You really don’t have to talk to me just because we got stuck in an elevator together, if you want we can just be quiet and stare at the floor counter until we get out.
I’ll personally be rooting for (d), but I’ll settle for any of the above.
#4- Girls who ask guys if they think another guy is cute – Let me put this is as simply as I can because I know your what a struggle it is for you to comprehend that there are people on this world who don’t want to discuss how just hot the guy from Securities Regulation class is. We know men can be good looking, (try not to pass out from the shock of this admission) but you know what? We’re still not going to answer, you know why. BECAUSE IT’S GAY! Also I hate to be the bearer of bad news (wow, was that a load of crap or what?) but if you’re a reasonably attractive girl asking this question, the answer will always be “no,” the reason being, all guys, everywhere, want all attractive girls for themselves. It’s an impossible task but we’re nothing if not ambitious.
#5 - People who say something too stupid insult – Sometimes, you hear something so singularly random and odd that what appears to be a perfect opportunity to humiliate actually becomes an instance of personal and professional pain. “My boyfriend has no sense of smell, but he eats tons.” I heard these words at lunch today and my brain literally overloaded. It’s like one of those science fiction movies where the good guys give the evil robot a math problem that has 1 + 1 = 0 and the robot starts smoking and muttering “does not compute” over and over until the building starts to collapse and the heroes run out right before the big explosion, only there were no robots, no explosions, and no math problems, just me muttering "does not compute," and a fat guy who can’t smell his own farts.
Pandering to Perverts
Girls in mens clothing – I’m going for the indecisive pervert audience today
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean My Clients
Whoever can answer this question for me – From which set of genitalia does a hermaphrodite pee? I will accept guess and logical arguments
The Reason Is Because
“We are the fattest nation in the country” – Me
It should probably be noted that me talking before my nap is generally inadvisable, but let no man say I am not willing to make fun of myself. As for what women say, well… actually, I think I’ve satisfied my stupid comment quota for the day, so, I care about what women say, really, I do.
Jan 23, 2006
GUILT
I have hearings the next two days and so I have decided that in the interests of not getting sued by my clients, I will be refraining from posting until a later, but as yet, undetermined date.
Me
Me
Jan 22, 2006
SOCKS AND THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE
Welcome back from my self imposed long weekend. I feel that every so often, in order for the creative juices society calls "hatred" to be refreshed, I must take a few days off from venting and allow the pressure to build. Having thus, satisfied this recuperative requirement I am ready to provide you with my bitterness.
A few words of introduction:
Every now and then I come across an activity I find so utterly confounding that I find the need to devote an entire day's post to understand its' absurdity, that activity is, today, LAUNDRY. So here they are:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me About Laundry
#1 - Fading – Ok, so I get that the more you wash something, the more the color will fade, that makes sense to me, there are dyes in the material that get washed out with each successive treatment. What I don’t understand, what keeps from trusting that the Maytag repairman is the kindly old soul the commercials make him out to be is that my already white undershirts, somehow come out less white after being washed. White is the absence of color, the ABSENCE of color, so shouldn’t a faded white shirt be even whiter than when it started. I’m just saying it's illogical, AND IT BOTHERS ME!
#2 - Missing socks – I know, I know everyone has commented on the disappearing sock but what I didn’t realize until I actually did my laundry, and by “did” I mean stood in the room and watched while someone else did it for me, is that it’s actually true; socks really do just vanish! How is this not a matter of national security? If socks can just magically escape from the confines of a washing machine how can we ever consider ourselves truly safe from terrorism? We need to have scientists, men with protractors and a deep and comprehensive understanding of the unified string theory working on this problem. In the meantime, I’m looking for a gray and green argyle sock.
#3 - Folding – The deceptive nature of laundry is that while you may have finished washing and drying the clothes themselves the work for you is not done. No, because now that hot and toasty fresh load has to be folded. This situation is much akin to climbing Everest, thinking you’ve reached the summit, congratulating yourself on overcoming hypothermia, oxygen deprivation, and common sense, only to find that you still have another 500 feet left to go. It’s even worse when you get abandoned by your sherpa at the faux peak and have to actually do the folding yourself instead of, you know, watching someone else do it.
#4 - The dryer cycle lasts longer than washer’s – It’s 12:30 am your ready for bed and your load of wash is done, you want to just throw it into the dryer and go relax, but no, you still have to wait another 20 minutes until the dryer is done with the previous load. Argh! This ranks right up there with 12 hot dogs to a package and 8 buns to a bag, Paris Hilton and television, and those two chemicals you had to mix to make an explosive from “Die Hard 3” as perhaps the worst conceived combination in the history of man.
#5 - Those stupid tags – First of all, what’s the story with the laundering instruction tags that don’t even deign to use words, when did being an expert in hieroglyphics become a prerequisite to washing underwear? But more importantly, do those instructions actually mean anything? If I wash my boxers (thus ends the boxers or briefs mystery) in warm water instead of cold are they going to cease functioning? Are they going to change colors or take the vanishing sock escape route and disappear? And if not, why have them, to justify all those buttons on the washing machine?
A few words of introduction:
Every now and then I come across an activity I find so utterly confounding that I find the need to devote an entire day's post to understand its' absurdity, that activity is, today, LAUNDRY. So here they are:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me About Laundry
#1 - Fading – Ok, so I get that the more you wash something, the more the color will fade, that makes sense to me, there are dyes in the material that get washed out with each successive treatment. What I don’t understand, what keeps from trusting that the Maytag repairman is the kindly old soul the commercials make him out to be is that my already white undershirts, somehow come out less white after being washed. White is the absence of color, the ABSENCE of color, so shouldn’t a faded white shirt be even whiter than when it started. I’m just saying it's illogical, AND IT BOTHERS ME!
#2 - Missing socks – I know, I know everyone has commented on the disappearing sock but what I didn’t realize until I actually did my laundry, and by “did” I mean stood in the room and watched while someone else did it for me, is that it’s actually true; socks really do just vanish! How is this not a matter of national security? If socks can just magically escape from the confines of a washing machine how can we ever consider ourselves truly safe from terrorism? We need to have scientists, men with protractors and a deep and comprehensive understanding of the unified string theory working on this problem. In the meantime, I’m looking for a gray and green argyle sock.
#3 - Folding – The deceptive nature of laundry is that while you may have finished washing and drying the clothes themselves the work for you is not done. No, because now that hot and toasty fresh load has to be folded. This situation is much akin to climbing Everest, thinking you’ve reached the summit, congratulating yourself on overcoming hypothermia, oxygen deprivation, and common sense, only to find that you still have another 500 feet left to go. It’s even worse when you get abandoned by your sherpa at the faux peak and have to actually do the folding yourself instead of, you know, watching someone else do it.
#4 - The dryer cycle lasts longer than washer’s – It’s 12:30 am your ready for bed and your load of wash is done, you want to just throw it into the dryer and go relax, but no, you still have to wait another 20 minutes until the dryer is done with the previous load. Argh! This ranks right up there with 12 hot dogs to a package and 8 buns to a bag, Paris Hilton and television, and those two chemicals you had to mix to make an explosive from “Die Hard 3” as perhaps the worst conceived combination in the history of man.
#5 - Those stupid tags – First of all, what’s the story with the laundering instruction tags that don’t even deign to use words, when did being an expert in hieroglyphics become a prerequisite to washing underwear? But more importantly, do those instructions actually mean anything? If I wash my boxers (thus ends the boxers or briefs mystery) in warm water instead of cold are they going to cease functioning? Are they going to change colors or take the vanishing sock escape route and disappear? And if not, why have them, to justify all those buttons on the washing machine?
Jan 18, 2006
LUCIFER, THE SOUL CRUSHING DEMON
With the advent of the undergraduate semester it has occured to me, LUCIFER, THE SOUL CRUSHING DEMON (copyright by Gibs 2006), that there will be readers who are completely new to this blog. If that is indeed the case for you I suggest you click these links to familiarize yourself with the sections within each days column. http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/let-there-be-sarcasm.html and http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2006/01/value-of-teenage-cheerleaders.html. With those links, and a healthy understanding of hatred, you should be well equipped to enjoy my blog. So without anymore dilly dallying (I must have been English in another life), here's today's top 5:
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - High School Girls - (As per request, read comments to yestedays post) Ok, so I don't really know much about high school girls, and what I did know is probably no longer true, however, I have in recent weeks seen commercials for "The O.C." and "Smallville" so I can tell you that high school girls are petty snobs who are only willing to date superheros or men who are dating their sister while they are home from some sort of private school where hot girls congregate.
#2 - Wind - As I've discussed in the past, I hate rain, rain blows like a pornstar, but while rain does suck, I can deal with it. What I cannot stand, however, is rain with wind. I honestly do not think that God ever meant for rain to fall sideways, it goes it against nature. Wind, you are an abomination to God's plan. But seriously, someone needs to explain to me how it is that wind can blow at 30 mph in one direction, then magically be blowing harder from the other side. I mean it changes direction faster than Anne Heche switches sexual orientation (if you don't know who Anne Heche is, take my word on these two points; one, it's a good joke, and two, you don't watch enough E!).
#3 - People who don't think "Rocky" is awesome - (cue Rocky theme music) Whoever cannot understand the sheer awesomeness with which "Rocky" rocks is oblivious to the notions of both awesomeness and rocking. "Rocky", for those of you with basic SAT skills, is to awesomeness as Tara Reid is to drunken slut, in other words the two are inseparable. Plus that Starbuck's commercial where they sing to the "Eye of the Tiger" is freaking, that's right folks, AWEEEESOME!
#4 - V-neck undershirts - Aside from the increased odds of the notorious "neck hair" making an unwelcome appearance, I find the V-neck to be a bit more chilly than their round necked bretheren. That's pretty much all I have to say on this matter.
#5 - Crying - Contrary to popular perception there really is no acceptable gender for crying. Let me run it down for you; if you are a guy, well, the day you cry at anything other than a close relatives funeral, your best fantasy baseball player tearing his ACL, or getting kicked in the twig and berries, pretty much marks the last day you get to call yourself a man; and if you're a girl, then crying is just another form of evil mind control which needs to be stomped out like so much whatever.
Pandering To Perverts
"High school girls sucking"- I just make myself smile sometimes
Who I like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin (I know I've used him before but I really do like him)
No one. It rained I got wet, everyone sucks, the end.
The Reason Is Because
"I don't enjoy rape, I just like it before going to bed"- Rena Miller discussing Law & Order SVU
Whatever butters your muffin I guess
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - High School Girls - (As per request, read comments to yestedays post) Ok, so I don't really know much about high school girls, and what I did know is probably no longer true, however, I have in recent weeks seen commercials for "The O.C." and "Smallville" so I can tell you that high school girls are petty snobs who are only willing to date superheros or men who are dating their sister while they are home from some sort of private school where hot girls congregate.
#2 - Wind - As I've discussed in the past, I hate rain, rain blows like a pornstar, but while rain does suck, I can deal with it. What I cannot stand, however, is rain with wind. I honestly do not think that God ever meant for rain to fall sideways, it goes it against nature. Wind, you are an abomination to God's plan. But seriously, someone needs to explain to me how it is that wind can blow at 30 mph in one direction, then magically be blowing harder from the other side. I mean it changes direction faster than Anne Heche switches sexual orientation (if you don't know who Anne Heche is, take my word on these two points; one, it's a good joke, and two, you don't watch enough E!).
#3 - People who don't think "Rocky" is awesome - (cue Rocky theme music) Whoever cannot understand the sheer awesomeness with which "Rocky" rocks is oblivious to the notions of both awesomeness and rocking. "Rocky", for those of you with basic SAT skills, is to awesomeness as Tara Reid is to drunken slut, in other words the two are inseparable. Plus that Starbuck's commercial where they sing to the "Eye of the Tiger" is freaking, that's right folks, AWEEEESOME!
#4 - V-neck undershirts - Aside from the increased odds of the notorious "neck hair" making an unwelcome appearance, I find the V-neck to be a bit more chilly than their round necked bretheren. That's pretty much all I have to say on this matter.
#5 - Crying - Contrary to popular perception there really is no acceptable gender for crying. Let me run it down for you; if you are a guy, well, the day you cry at anything other than a close relatives funeral, your best fantasy baseball player tearing his ACL, or getting kicked in the twig and berries, pretty much marks the last day you get to call yourself a man; and if you're a girl, then crying is just another form of evil mind control which needs to be stomped out like so much whatever.
Pandering To Perverts
"High school girls sucking"- I just make myself smile sometimes
Who I like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin (I know I've used him before but I really do like him)
No one. It rained I got wet, everyone sucks, the end.
The Reason Is Because
"I don't enjoy rape, I just like it before going to bed"- Rena Miller discussing Law & Order SVU
Whatever butters your muffin I guess
Jan 17, 2006
EXCUSE ME WAITER THERE'S A HAIR IN MY POP CULTURE
OK I'd just like to quickly point out, I HAVE A FAN! Thank you Zal Zalla for saying what nno one else was willing to admit. Now I can die happy, not that I'm down with the whole mortality thing just yet.
Top 5 things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Women with facial hair - I'm not saying that all women need to be attractive, or even that women need to spend 20 minutes in front of a mirror before going outside (though in certain cases it may be advisable), but I feel like we can come to an agreement on a minimal standard of grooming and that is NO FACIAL HAIR. Seriously, if your upper lip resembles Tom Selleck at puberty, try investing in some wax. If you find people confusing you with a you with a Billy goat maybe a little electrolysis is for you. Either way all I'm saying is EEEEWWWW.
#2 - People who wake me up with a phone call - Listen you self absorbed, motor mouthed, compulsive dialers. How about you try for once to hold onto whatever useless comment it is that is running through your empty little head like homeless people in a condemned house. Besides, if you'd manage to shut up for an hour, you may end up not saying something so stupid that if not for my love for pillows and blankets would cause me get out of bed and raise up an army against you. Though in all honesty, it's a bit like giving the fat kid a 10 second head start in the 2000 meters, he may have a better shot, but he's still going to end up collapsing in puddle of sweat and cellulite. (sorry)
#3 - Paul Walker - I know he hasn't been in any movies recently but I really do hate him so very very much. I mean I've seen acting less wooden from totem poles. In fact I'm not even wholly convinced he's actually even aware of the fact he's in a movie. I'd bet good money he thinks he's a professional drag racer. Any takers?
#4 - People Who ask, "Why do Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have careers?" - If you're still asking this question odds are you are unfamiliar with the "Girls Gone Wild" phenomena. This sociology experiment has taught us that men (and some women) will pay lots of money to watch young blonde girls with I.Q.'s in the vicinity of Homer Simpson prance around in teeny tiny little bikinis (or less), even if their acting skills do make Paul Walker look more like Christopher Walken.
Authors Note: If this still doesn't make sense to you, rent "The Dukes Of Hazard" and umm, invite me to watch it with you.
#5 - The fact that Paris Hilton has a career - Just because I understand why Paris Hilton has a career doesn't mean it doesn't bother the crap out of me that she has one. I mean really one day (I'm really pushing for Wednesday) when they perform the autopsy on her and cut open her head, I'm convinced cherry flavored bubble gum will just spill out of her skull. The last time I saw eyes that blank was when I saw a stuffed dog standing in the taxidermist's window. You're not sure if its dead, but you know for certain there isn't anything going on upstairs
Pandering To Perverts
Once we're on the the subject - "Girls Gone Wild"
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Kiefer Sutherland
The writer of this website - http://abbagav.blogspot.com/2006/01/hdate-exciting-new-hamas-singles-site.html. Just because they are about to turn themselves into nail enriched chopped meat, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be loved. On second thought. . .
The Reason Is Because
"This of course can in some way hurt his career as a professional ballplayer ... "-- Ugueth Urbina's defense lawyer Jose Luis Tamayo commenting on Urbina being charged with attempted murder.
Do you think it's hard to throw a ball across the plate between those jail bars and from, you know, VENEZUELA!
Top 5 things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Women with facial hair - I'm not saying that all women need to be attractive, or even that women need to spend 20 minutes in front of a mirror before going outside (though in certain cases it may be advisable), but I feel like we can come to an agreement on a minimal standard of grooming and that is NO FACIAL HAIR. Seriously, if your upper lip resembles Tom Selleck at puberty, try investing in some wax. If you find people confusing you with a you with a Billy goat maybe a little electrolysis is for you. Either way all I'm saying is EEEEWWWW.
#2 - People who wake me up with a phone call - Listen you self absorbed, motor mouthed, compulsive dialers. How about you try for once to hold onto whatever useless comment it is that is running through your empty little head like homeless people in a condemned house. Besides, if you'd manage to shut up for an hour, you may end up not saying something so stupid that if not for my love for pillows and blankets would cause me get out of bed and raise up an army against you. Though in all honesty, it's a bit like giving the fat kid a 10 second head start in the 2000 meters, he may have a better shot, but he's still going to end up collapsing in puddle of sweat and cellulite. (sorry)
#3 - Paul Walker - I know he hasn't been in any movies recently but I really do hate him so very very much. I mean I've seen acting less wooden from totem poles. In fact I'm not even wholly convinced he's actually even aware of the fact he's in a movie. I'd bet good money he thinks he's a professional drag racer. Any takers?
#4 - People Who ask, "Why do Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have careers?" - If you're still asking this question odds are you are unfamiliar with the "Girls Gone Wild" phenomena. This sociology experiment has taught us that men (and some women) will pay lots of money to watch young blonde girls with I.Q.'s in the vicinity of Homer Simpson prance around in teeny tiny little bikinis (or less), even if their acting skills do make Paul Walker look more like Christopher Walken.
Authors Note: If this still doesn't make sense to you, rent "The Dukes Of Hazard" and umm, invite me to watch it with you.
#5 - The fact that Paris Hilton has a career - Just because I understand why Paris Hilton has a career doesn't mean it doesn't bother the crap out of me that she has one. I mean really one day (I'm really pushing for Wednesday) when they perform the autopsy on her and cut open her head, I'm convinced cherry flavored bubble gum will just spill out of her skull. The last time I saw eyes that blank was when I saw a stuffed dog standing in the taxidermist's window. You're not sure if its dead, but you know for certain there isn't anything going on upstairs
Pandering To Perverts
Once we're on the the subject - "Girls Gone Wild"
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Kiefer Sutherland
The writer of this website - http://abbagav.blogspot.com/2006/01/hdate-exciting-new-hamas-singles-site.html. Just because they are about to turn themselves into nail enriched chopped meat, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be loved. On second thought. . .
The Reason Is Because
"This of course can in some way hurt his career as a professional ballplayer ... "-- Ugueth Urbina's defense lawyer Jose Luis Tamayo commenting on Urbina being charged with attempted murder.
Do you think it's hard to throw a ball across the plate between those jail bars and from, you know, VENEZUELA!
Jan 16, 2006
IF BY RIGHT YOU MEAN, WRONG
Breaking News : I have just discovered that after a month of publishing this blog, I have finally changed a person's mind. There is now a girl against "ugly guy dating hot girl", though, admittedly, a girl who is also pro males slaves (if you're into that, drop me a line and I'm sure I can work something out between the two of you, you bad bad boy). To read the text of this history making admission, see the last comment on the previous post, it's long and rather convoluted (also quite funny), so if you have any problems understanding it, I'll summarize, I'm right, women are wrong. Cheers.
P.S. Did that "bad bad boy" thing read as gay as I think it does?
In other news:
I have an pre-trial conference memo due tomorrow morning, so, I am sorry to say, there will not be an "If I Ran The World Advice Column" today. That being said, I do love you all (and by love I mean something far less complimentary, but you don't need to know what) and in that spirit I am going to give you a little something to make you smile.
On Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss double-teamed the stripper pole at Howard Stern's de facto strip club, Scores, in NYC. According to an onlooker's account from the New York Post, "Kate was going wild. After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers....it was very hot."
First off, thank you "onlooker" for making perhaps the most redundant observation ever (acting like a stripper is hot, you don't say) and secondly, if this story didn't make you smile you probably didn't read it right. THEY WERE SWINGING ON THE POLE... KISSING AND CARESSING EACH OTHER! nuff said.
Till tomorrow.
P.S. Did that "bad bad boy" thing read as gay as I think it does?
In other news:
I have an pre-trial conference memo due tomorrow morning, so, I am sorry to say, there will not be an "If I Ran The World Advice Column" today. That being said, I do love you all (and by love I mean something far less complimentary, but you don't need to know what) and in that spirit I am going to give you a little something to make you smile.
On Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss double-teamed the stripper pole at Howard Stern's de facto strip club, Scores, in NYC. According to an onlooker's account from the New York Post, "Kate was going wild. After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers....it was very hot."
First off, thank you "onlooker" for making perhaps the most redundant observation ever (acting like a stripper is hot, you don't say) and secondly, if this story didn't make you smile you probably didn't read it right. THEY WERE SWINGING ON THE POLE... KISSING AND CARESSING EACH OTHER! nuff said.
Till tomorrow.
Jan 15, 2006
68% THINK WE'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH, 59% THINK SPENDING SHOULD BE CUT
My previous post "CARLA WAS THE PROM QUEEN" sparked some debate on the topic of whether women should be allowed to date men way less hot than they are. So, in an effort to prove to myself that I was right to denounce this practice, I conducted an unscientific poll. the results were rather fascinating: All women think that this practice simply demonstrates the superiority of the female race when it comes to not being superficial(though really that's like saying Saddam Hussein won re-election in a landslide; when you're the only one competing, it's a pretty safe bet you're going to come home with the trophy, or in this case the man who should be in an iron mask). While on the other hand, nearly all men think women should be relegated to dating those in their respective "league". So to all hot girls dating ugly guys I have this message, DUMP THEM, it's what your man wants. Anyway, onto more important matters.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Incomprehensible Vanity Plates - The vanity plate is in itself an exercise in oblivious idiocy, that a person can think the license plate on his car will in some way make him cooler, is like expecting your dogs flea collar to bag you the hotties. But what really bothers me, aside from the sheer stupidity of the vanity plate, is the unmitigated frustration suffered by the hundreds of drivers stuck behind these desperate for attention, spelling challenged, keep a mirror and a brush in their pocket, douchebags (I've never used this word before, can't decide if I like it), as motorists try in vain to decipher and attach meaning to the jumble of consonants and numbers you've mushed together. All I have to say to you is DRP DED AZHLE
#2 - The Movie Concession Stand - "Would you like to get the super combo, a large popcorn and a large soda for only .25 more?". I have sworn to myself more times than I can count, I will not get the large soda and large popcorn, I mean really is a feeding trough full of popcorn and gallon of soda totally necessary in order to make it through 2 hours of sitting, are we really coming to a movie theater that famished and starved? Is there a pre-movie Ramadan requirement in order to buy tickets to "King Kong" that I am not aware of?
#3 - Commercials for "ER" - "The most heart warming episode of ER ever" "This week ER more exiting than it's ever been" "The best ER in history". I have been keeping track of these commercials for a some time now, and while, admittedly, I have not actually watched any of these milestone episodes, I think I'm reasonablly convinced they are lying to me. Thus I now have for you, the greatest suggestion in history, within the greatest single post ever, of the world's most important blog. . . Ok I have nothing, you know, why? Because it's not possible!
#4 - People who grab your arm when they talk - STOP IT! If you are so terrified that your audience will abandon you, that you feel the need to employ a death grip on their arm to insure you hold their attention, odds are, they aren't istening anyway. In fact, they're probably too busy trying to think of ways to get away from the psycho (that would be you, crazy arm grabbing person) latched on them like a parasite to even understand a word coming out of your spit spewing mouth. NOW GET OFF OF ME, and while you're at it, SHUT UP.
#5 - The backhanded compliment - I would like to clarify, I have nothing against insulting people, in fact I'm quite fond of it myself, but this is just the wussiest path to insult there is. If you want to be mean to someone, be mean, don't couch your displeasure in the form of a near compliment. If you don't have the cojones to call someone stumpy, lilliputian or midgetesque don't go around saying, "I'm really impressed by how infrequently you get trampled" it's just not being honest, and everyone knows it's wrong to lie to the vertically challenged, they can't even see your lips.
Pandering to Perverts
Hairy french women (not that I condone it)
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin
The guy who decided oats arent just for horses, seriously, go to the nearest stable, and trade the horse your popcorn for his oats (it goes with everything), you'll thank me for it, plus you'll have a nice shiny coat.
The Reason Is Because
"I just wanted to remind you, don't forget to say thank you." - Law School Professor
Just when you thought you were wasting money on an education, a professor somes along with inspired words of wisdom. So, for restoring my faith in tuition I just want to say, umm, I forget. . .
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Incomprehensible Vanity Plates - The vanity plate is in itself an exercise in oblivious idiocy, that a person can think the license plate on his car will in some way make him cooler, is like expecting your dogs flea collar to bag you the hotties. But what really bothers me, aside from the sheer stupidity of the vanity plate, is the unmitigated frustration suffered by the hundreds of drivers stuck behind these desperate for attention, spelling challenged, keep a mirror and a brush in their pocket, douchebags (I've never used this word before, can't decide if I like it), as motorists try in vain to decipher and attach meaning to the jumble of consonants and numbers you've mushed together. All I have to say to you is DRP DED AZHLE
#2 - The Movie Concession Stand - "Would you like to get the super combo, a large popcorn and a large soda for only .25 more?". I have sworn to myself more times than I can count, I will not get the large soda and large popcorn, I mean really is a feeding trough full of popcorn and gallon of soda totally necessary in order to make it through 2 hours of sitting, are we really coming to a movie theater that famished and starved? Is there a pre-movie Ramadan requirement in order to buy tickets to "King Kong" that I am not aware of?
#3 - Commercials for "ER" - "The most heart warming episode of ER ever" "This week ER more exiting than it's ever been" "The best ER in history". I have been keeping track of these commercials for a some time now, and while, admittedly, I have not actually watched any of these milestone episodes, I think I'm reasonablly convinced they are lying to me. Thus I now have for you, the greatest suggestion in history, within the greatest single post ever, of the world's most important blog. . . Ok I have nothing, you know, why? Because it's not possible!
#4 - People who grab your arm when they talk - STOP IT! If you are so terrified that your audience will abandon you, that you feel the need to employ a death grip on their arm to insure you hold their attention, odds are, they aren't istening anyway. In fact, they're probably too busy trying to think of ways to get away from the psycho (that would be you, crazy arm grabbing person) latched on them like a parasite to even understand a word coming out of your spit spewing mouth. NOW GET OFF OF ME, and while you're at it, SHUT UP.
#5 - The backhanded compliment - I would like to clarify, I have nothing against insulting people, in fact I'm quite fond of it myself, but this is just the wussiest path to insult there is. If you want to be mean to someone, be mean, don't couch your displeasure in the form of a near compliment. If you don't have the cojones to call someone stumpy, lilliputian or midgetesque don't go around saying, "I'm really impressed by how infrequently you get trampled" it's just not being honest, and everyone knows it's wrong to lie to the vertically challenged, they can't even see your lips.
Pandering to Perverts
Hairy french women (not that I condone it)
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin
The guy who decided oats arent just for horses, seriously, go to the nearest stable, and trade the horse your popcorn for his oats (it goes with everything), you'll thank me for it, plus you'll have a nice shiny coat.
The Reason Is Because
"I just wanted to remind you, don't forget to say thank you." - Law School Professor
Just when you thought you were wasting money on an education, a professor somes along with inspired words of wisdom. So, for restoring my faith in tuition I just want to say, umm, I forget. . .
Jan 12, 2006
CARLA WAS THE PROM QUEEN
Here it is:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – People who don’t flush at urinals – It would seem certain people have yet to be initiated to the concept of plumbing. There is, as far as I can tell, a plague of people who think that a urinal is right up there with a bucket and a hole in the ground. This would be understandable if I lived in Kentucky or well, an old age home. However, I live in a relatively well to do, well educated city so my question remains, what do you think those little holes at the bottom of the urinal are for, ventilation?
#2 – Guys who date girls who are way hotter they are – There has been some suggestion that this is a good thing; that this demonstrates that girls aren’t superficial and are more open minded. While this is a valid argument until it works in my favor, I’m waiting Kiera, I’m still going to have to vote no. The reason for this is simple, it destabilizes the dating world. Imagine if you will a man, not special in any way, who finds a woman, equally unspectacular, who is willing to date him. Under normal circumstances this man will be grateful that there is in this world a woman, an actual human, non-inflatable, woman who does not find him repulsive, he tells his friends and family he’s found someone and after convincing them he hasn’t been sniffing glue, everyone is happy for him. However, if you now introduce a hot girl who wants to date said unspectacular man into the picture all of a sudden this once stable orbit is thrown off its axis. His friends and family now find themselves asking, well if he can get her, imagine who I can get. And that in short is how the homeless guy living in the subway station thinks that you (assuming you are a woman) are in his league. Bothers you now too doesn’t it?
Author’s Note: I promise I’m not superficial
Author’s Agent: Ugly women need not apply
#3 – Vending machines that don’t tell you that the one item in the entire machine you want is sold out until that dollar sucking, instrument of evil, has eaten your money and then refuses to give it back to you – You, vending machine, are the strippers of the beverage and snack world. You lure us in with your shameless flaunting, promising us tasty treats, then just when we’ve caved to your siren's call pulled out our wallet and given you a dollar, you snatch away our hope with your callous neon ticker “sold out” (ok so the comparison falls apart a little at the neon ticker, but you have to admit right up until there it was spot on).
#4 – Mortality – I don’t think dying is for me, hey it works for some, I even advocate for quite a few groups of people, but I just don’t think that it is the best use of natural resources to have me converted to fertilizer. I’m sure everyone reading this can think of a few people who they wouldn’t mind seeing become compost in their stead, even those of you who like to think you are at heart good people. So today I call for volunteers, who wants to die instead of me and let the world continue to bask in my humor for years on end?
#5 – 8:30 am classes – I will have more to say on this when I actually make it to one. But in the meantime I would just like to say, that thinking about going to an 8:30 am class the night before, is in itself, quite draining. It's kind of like signing up to a gym, even if you never go, thinking about going is almost as good as a workout, or at least that’s what the fat guy tells me.
Who I like Today And I Don’t Mean The Red Cross
Mark Pope – Mark Pope is a white basketball player who is honest with himself, when asked what he thought his chances of making the Denver Nuggets roster was this season he answered what every white training camp invitee should:
"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player."
In Memoriam
Patrick Cranshaw AKA - Blue from “Old School” 1919 - 2005
I have no idea what other roles you may have played in your lifetime and for that matter I doubt anyone else does either, but what the hell, you got to mud wrestle two hotties at 84, so really, I guess it all evens out.
The Reason Is Because
“Babies with cleft lips are not attractive” – I think this pretty much speaks for itself
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – People who don’t flush at urinals – It would seem certain people have yet to be initiated to the concept of plumbing. There is, as far as I can tell, a plague of people who think that a urinal is right up there with a bucket and a hole in the ground. This would be understandable if I lived in Kentucky or well, an old age home. However, I live in a relatively well to do, well educated city so my question remains, what do you think those little holes at the bottom of the urinal are for, ventilation?
#2 – Guys who date girls who are way hotter they are – There has been some suggestion that this is a good thing; that this demonstrates that girls aren’t superficial and are more open minded. While this is a valid argument until it works in my favor, I’m waiting Kiera, I’m still going to have to vote no. The reason for this is simple, it destabilizes the dating world. Imagine if you will a man, not special in any way, who finds a woman, equally unspectacular, who is willing to date him. Under normal circumstances this man will be grateful that there is in this world a woman, an actual human, non-inflatable, woman who does not find him repulsive, he tells his friends and family he’s found someone and after convincing them he hasn’t been sniffing glue, everyone is happy for him. However, if you now introduce a hot girl who wants to date said unspectacular man into the picture all of a sudden this once stable orbit is thrown off its axis. His friends and family now find themselves asking, well if he can get her, imagine who I can get. And that in short is how the homeless guy living in the subway station thinks that you (assuming you are a woman) are in his league. Bothers you now too doesn’t it?
Author’s Note: I promise I’m not superficial
Author’s Agent: Ugly women need not apply
#3 – Vending machines that don’t tell you that the one item in the entire machine you want is sold out until that dollar sucking, instrument of evil, has eaten your money and then refuses to give it back to you – You, vending machine, are the strippers of the beverage and snack world. You lure us in with your shameless flaunting, promising us tasty treats, then just when we’ve caved to your siren's call pulled out our wallet and given you a dollar, you snatch away our hope with your callous neon ticker “sold out” (ok so the comparison falls apart a little at the neon ticker, but you have to admit right up until there it was spot on).
#4 – Mortality – I don’t think dying is for me, hey it works for some, I even advocate for quite a few groups of people, but I just don’t think that it is the best use of natural resources to have me converted to fertilizer. I’m sure everyone reading this can think of a few people who they wouldn’t mind seeing become compost in their stead, even those of you who like to think you are at heart good people. So today I call for volunteers, who wants to die instead of me and let the world continue to bask in my humor for years on end?
#5 – 8:30 am classes – I will have more to say on this when I actually make it to one. But in the meantime I would just like to say, that thinking about going to an 8:30 am class the night before, is in itself, quite draining. It's kind of like signing up to a gym, even if you never go, thinking about going is almost as good as a workout, or at least that’s what the fat guy tells me.
Who I like Today And I Don’t Mean The Red Cross
Mark Pope – Mark Pope is a white basketball player who is honest with himself, when asked what he thought his chances of making the Denver Nuggets roster was this season he answered what every white training camp invitee should:
"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player."
In Memoriam
Patrick Cranshaw AKA - Blue from “Old School” 1919 - 2005
I have no idea what other roles you may have played in your lifetime and for that matter I doubt anyone else does either, but what the hell, you got to mud wrestle two hotties at 84, so really, I guess it all evens out.
The Reason Is Because
“Babies with cleft lips are not attractive” – I think this pretty much speaks for itself
Jan 11, 2006
KNOCK KNOCK
As some of you may have noticed there was no post yesterday, the reason for this was that there was a minor misunderstanding between my door and I. I was under the opinion that my door should open; it on the other hand had some reservations on the matter. While I did eventually resolve this situation by using my finely honed intellect and burgling skills (they teach you that stuff in law school), I have decided put to paper or whatever the hell the internet is written on what to do should you happen to find yourself in such a situation
If I Ran The World’s Top 10 things To Do When You Get Locked Out
#10 – Call everyone you know
#9 – Yell at anyone who is willing to answer your phone call
#8 – Come up with reasons why you’re happy not to have friends anymore
#7 – Spend as much money as possible on items you would otherwise feel guilty buying
#6 – Milk as much sympathy from your friends as you can
#5 – Ask a hot (sympathetic) female friend if you can crash on her couch (thank you for the suggestion Mary)
#4 – Neglect to mention you don’t believe in wearing anything to bed
#3 – Press a bag of frozen peas to those areas suffering from purse beating
#2 – Try unlocking the deadbolt too
#1 – Lie, lie like your life depended on it. Deadbolt? No I totally tried the deadbolt, it must have been broken or something. You think I would just make reservations at a hotel without trying the deabolt?
If I Ran The World’s Top 10 things To Do When You Get Locked Out
#10 – Call everyone you know
#9 – Yell at anyone who is willing to answer your phone call
#8 – Come up with reasons why you’re happy not to have friends anymore
#7 – Spend as much money as possible on items you would otherwise feel guilty buying
#6 – Milk as much sympathy from your friends as you can
#5 – Ask a hot (sympathetic) female friend if you can crash on her couch (thank you for the suggestion Mary)
#4 – Neglect to mention you don’t believe in wearing anything to bed
#3 – Press a bag of frozen peas to those areas suffering from purse beating
#2 – Try unlocking the deadbolt too
#1 – Lie, lie like your life depended on it. Deadbolt? No I totally tried the deadbolt, it must have been broken or something. You think I would just make reservations at a hotel without trying the deabolt?
Jan 9, 2006
BAH HUMBUG
Today marks the first ever post in the short-life of, “You Know What Bothers Me” to be made from the (cough cough) “city” of Boston. I make mention of this not because Boston is too small and crappy to be called a city, a township maybe, perhaps even a village or hamlet but not a city, but because this marks the beginning of spring semester and so my loyal readers I am here to tell you, if you thought that I was a fussy, ill-tempered, cantankerous old soul before, (I should mention that it really isn’t very nice to judge a person before you meet them, I may after all be very sweet; to those of you who already have met me and know me, well, its still not nice to think) you haven’t seen me when I’m not on vacation. Let the games begin:
Top 5 Things (Aside fro the start of school) That Bother me Today
#1 – The guilt trip – Oh my good god. I don’t know what kind of sick joke this guilt thing is but its sucks the mother load of all monkey nuts. How your irresponsible inconsiderate often incoherent friend can somehow manage to whine and weasel his way into that area reserved for pitying cute animals, with tales of complete and utter incompetence is beyond me. But then again, I guess it could be worse, I could enjoy the sight of fresh road kill.
#2 – The Caraway seed – In case you are not familiar with the Caraway seed AKA “the bane of my existence,” it is a long brownish, well, seed that comes in what is often called “Jewish Rye”. If you’ve ever had a caraway seed you’d recognize it by the crappy taste in your mouth when you bite into what you thought was plain old rye bread. Oftentimes, the evil distributors of the caraway seed, who by the way reside in Dante 6th circle of hell, manage to sneak their repulsive little kernel into the “everything” mix, this is especially bothersome as “everything” really is the best variation of bagel or flatbread flavors. It’s like lifting up the veil from your fiancé’s (Kiera Knightley) face at your wedding and suddenly discovering that overnight she’s grown several big hairy moles all over said face. You may now kiss the bride.
#3 – People who don’t listen to me – How this is still happening is beyond me, I learned to speak at about 2; so this means have been right for some 23 consecutive years now and yet, even with all that history on my side, people continue to argue with me, continue to hold onto the irrational belief that I am ever wrong. It feels like talking to gibbon only at least the gibbon is smart enough to spend its time licking itself rather than trying to justify its wrongness. So to the people who argue with me I say this, try licking yourself instead, you may look just as stupid as you would arguing with me, but at least you won’t exhaust the few brain cells you’ve been allotted.
#4 – Airport Security – You know what, let’s just go ahead and say I am carrying a knife embedded deep within the muscle of my calf, don’t you think that slicing open my leg will be kind of hard considering you’ve already confiscated my toenail clippers. And even if I did somehow manage to tear open the skin of my leg, work my fingers through the well, stuff inside a leg, and finally pull out the secret knife, exactly what am I going to do with it while I bleed to death, give myself stitches?
#5 – The word “Scrod”- say it out loud to yourself a few times, no really try it. You know what scrod is, its fish. You EAT scrod. You don’t scrape it off the side of a boat or sexually transmit it; no you put scrod in your mouth. Allow me to make a comment on the naming of food. If the name of the item you intend to have people eat can be inserted into the following sentences, you may want to consider coming up with a new moniker.
- Everything was going fine, then I told her I had scrod and she wouldn’t even let me touch her
- Jimmy, check your shoes and make sure you didn’t step in any scrod.
- Ewww, it smells like scrod in here (okay in fairness most fish fails this one).
Scrod you fail.
Pandering to Perverts
Jessica Simpson’s jiggly bits
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean The N.Y. Giants
- Jet Blue – I flew to Boston today and had planned on dedicating this column to the inevitable hassles of air travel but surprisingly even in my foul, returning to school mood, I only managed to find one thing to complain about. Kudos Jet Blue. Yes, I know this wasn’t funny.
The Reason Is Because - will remain blank today as I have been lucky enough to spend my time talking to fewer total idiots and because it’s bad form to keep picking on my mom, or so I’m told.
Top 5 Things (Aside fro the start of school) That Bother me Today
#1 – The guilt trip – Oh my good god. I don’t know what kind of sick joke this guilt thing is but its sucks the mother load of all monkey nuts. How your irresponsible inconsiderate often incoherent friend can somehow manage to whine and weasel his way into that area reserved for pitying cute animals, with tales of complete and utter incompetence is beyond me. But then again, I guess it could be worse, I could enjoy the sight of fresh road kill.
#2 – The Caraway seed – In case you are not familiar with the Caraway seed AKA “the bane of my existence,” it is a long brownish, well, seed that comes in what is often called “Jewish Rye”. If you’ve ever had a caraway seed you’d recognize it by the crappy taste in your mouth when you bite into what you thought was plain old rye bread. Oftentimes, the evil distributors of the caraway seed, who by the way reside in Dante 6th circle of hell, manage to sneak their repulsive little kernel into the “everything” mix, this is especially bothersome as “everything” really is the best variation of bagel or flatbread flavors. It’s like lifting up the veil from your fiancé’s (Kiera Knightley) face at your wedding and suddenly discovering that overnight she’s grown several big hairy moles all over said face. You may now kiss the bride.
#3 – People who don’t listen to me – How this is still happening is beyond me, I learned to speak at about 2; so this means have been right for some 23 consecutive years now and yet, even with all that history on my side, people continue to argue with me, continue to hold onto the irrational belief that I am ever wrong. It feels like talking to gibbon only at least the gibbon is smart enough to spend its time licking itself rather than trying to justify its wrongness. So to the people who argue with me I say this, try licking yourself instead, you may look just as stupid as you would arguing with me, but at least you won’t exhaust the few brain cells you’ve been allotted.
#4 – Airport Security – You know what, let’s just go ahead and say I am carrying a knife embedded deep within the muscle of my calf, don’t you think that slicing open my leg will be kind of hard considering you’ve already confiscated my toenail clippers. And even if I did somehow manage to tear open the skin of my leg, work my fingers through the well, stuff inside a leg, and finally pull out the secret knife, exactly what am I going to do with it while I bleed to death, give myself stitches?
#5 – The word “Scrod”- say it out loud to yourself a few times, no really try it. You know what scrod is, its fish. You EAT scrod. You don’t scrape it off the side of a boat or sexually transmit it; no you put scrod in your mouth. Allow me to make a comment on the naming of food. If the name of the item you intend to have people eat can be inserted into the following sentences, you may want to consider coming up with a new moniker.
- Everything was going fine, then I told her I had scrod and she wouldn’t even let me touch her
- Jimmy, check your shoes and make sure you didn’t step in any scrod.
- Ewww, it smells like scrod in here (okay in fairness most fish fails this one).
Scrod you fail.
Pandering to Perverts
Jessica Simpson’s jiggly bits
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean The N.Y. Giants
- Jet Blue – I flew to Boston today and had planned on dedicating this column to the inevitable hassles of air travel but surprisingly even in my foul, returning to school mood, I only managed to find one thing to complain about. Kudos Jet Blue. Yes, I know this wasn’t funny.
The Reason Is Because - will remain blank today as I have been lucky enough to spend my time talking to fewer total idiots and because it’s bad form to keep picking on my mom, or so I’m told.
Jan 5, 2006
THE VALUE OF TEENAGE CHEERLEADERS
So here's an interesting little tidbit, I was looking through the site traffic this morning and I noticed that one of the visitors came to the site by way of a search for the term (wait for it) "tight spandex". While I am aware that one should give people the benefit of the doubt (especially perverts), if you have been reading this blog with any degree of consciousness, you know know I don't. People on the internet are by and large looking for porn, not witty Seinfeldian derivative humor and so sites that can satisfy the search query "teenage cheereaders" have much higher hit counts. As such, I am announcing that from now on there will be a new section in every days post, this section will be entitled "Pandering to Perverts" and it will include a phrase that will match popular internet searches, we may not be able to attract the readers of the "New York Times" but we can load up on the perverts.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Homework over vacation - The word vacation comes from the latin "vacare" to be at leisure, now while I know some of you are unaware of this, I suspect many of those assigned homework over vacation are, those of you in community college feel free to disregard the preceding clause. As such, I would like to understand how exactly reading a case file instead of shoop-shooping my way down a blanket of fluffy snow counts as "leisure". Granted I have spent no actual time doing any of this homework, but knowing that I have to do it, or fake having done it at some indeterminate point in the future weighs on my mind, like saying I'll call you to a girl at the end of a really bad first date. Homework, YOU BOTHER ME.
#2 - Infomercials - I'm sorry, but your product does not have a retail price of $89.95 if you are selling it on TV for $9.95. Furthermore, my faith in your product being worth anything is called into question when my purchase comes free with not one, but two and not only that, with replacement parts for life. How desperate are you to sell these things? It's like a doctor who's so desperate for you to come see him once that when you show up he writes you a perscription for every drug on the market, just in case. But what realllly bugs me is that even though I know all of this, somehow, at 2am it still sounds like a good idea.
#3 - People who don't comment - While I may, much like Hamlet "like a whore, unpack my heart with words." Whores get paid. So if you people want to continue getting your fix of discontentment, I suggest you pay the boatman his fee, and post a freaking comment, you indolent, shiftless, pleasure stealing ingrates. That being said, feel free to make it in the form of a complaint, reader submission day is nigh.
#4 - Canadians - Clean air, clean streets, universal healthcare, polite citizenry, ugh, do I really need to go any farther, what is there to like about these people? Do they even have an army? Because if they don't I totally think we should take 'em. We could have the whole country in like 15 minutes, plus unlike in Iraq, Canadians are much too nice to mount an insurgency.
#5 - Metrosexuals - Men should not under any circumstances require more than 45 seconds in front of a mirror just to walk outside. If you have hair care products that extend beyond shampoo and well if you must, conditioner, you need to go find a surgeon to attach a pair of balls to your groin. To those of you who are suddenly feeling the need to defend your grooming habits, I say this, it's ok to have hair gel, just be aware, odds are before long another guy may be using it as lubricant, on you.
Pandering to Perverts
Teenage lesbian cheerleaders
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Me
- People who comment regularly, even the one who called me egomaniacal, even if he/she did spell it wrong
The Reason Is Because
We didn't get no respect from none of the media - Vince Young, QB, Texas Longhorns
- Ah, the oh so rare triple negative, never has being so very wrong resulted in being almost (but not quite) right.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Homework over vacation - The word vacation comes from the latin "vacare" to be at leisure, now while I know some of you are unaware of this, I suspect many of those assigned homework over vacation are, those of you in community college feel free to disregard the preceding clause. As such, I would like to understand how exactly reading a case file instead of shoop-shooping my way down a blanket of fluffy snow counts as "leisure". Granted I have spent no actual time doing any of this homework, but knowing that I have to do it, or fake having done it at some indeterminate point in the future weighs on my mind, like saying I'll call you to a girl at the end of a really bad first date. Homework, YOU BOTHER ME.
#2 - Infomercials - I'm sorry, but your product does not have a retail price of $89.95 if you are selling it on TV for $9.95. Furthermore, my faith in your product being worth anything is called into question when my purchase comes free with not one, but two and not only that, with replacement parts for life. How desperate are you to sell these things? It's like a doctor who's so desperate for you to come see him once that when you show up he writes you a perscription for every drug on the market, just in case. But what realllly bugs me is that even though I know all of this, somehow, at 2am it still sounds like a good idea.
#3 - People who don't comment - While I may, much like Hamlet "like a whore, unpack my heart with words." Whores get paid. So if you people want to continue getting your fix of discontentment, I suggest you pay the boatman his fee, and post a freaking comment, you indolent, shiftless, pleasure stealing ingrates. That being said, feel free to make it in the form of a complaint, reader submission day is nigh.
#4 - Canadians - Clean air, clean streets, universal healthcare, polite citizenry, ugh, do I really need to go any farther, what is there to like about these people? Do they even have an army? Because if they don't I totally think we should take 'em. We could have the whole country in like 15 minutes, plus unlike in Iraq, Canadians are much too nice to mount an insurgency.
#5 - Metrosexuals - Men should not under any circumstances require more than 45 seconds in front of a mirror just to walk outside. If you have hair care products that extend beyond shampoo and well if you must, conditioner, you need to go find a surgeon to attach a pair of balls to your groin. To those of you who are suddenly feeling the need to defend your grooming habits, I say this, it's ok to have hair gel, just be aware, odds are before long another guy may be using it as lubricant, on you.
Pandering to Perverts
Teenage lesbian cheerleaders
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Me
- People who comment regularly, even the one who called me egomaniacal, even if he/she did spell it wrong
The Reason Is Because
We didn't get no respect from none of the media - Vince Young, QB, Texas Longhorns
- Ah, the oh so rare triple negative, never has being so very wrong resulted in being almost (but not quite) right.
Jan 4, 2006
INGRATES
Seeing as yesterday's post was lacking a "Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today" I feel it is only fair to you, my loyal, yet too lazy to post a comment, readers, to postpone Wednesday's standard reader's submissions column and instead provide you with my own borderline offensive grumblings on what bothers me today.
Top 5 Things (would be 10 but that woud just make me seem hard to please) That Bother Me Today
#1 - Lindsay Lohan's Bulemia and Subsequent umm "Cup Reduction"- My own time spent as a Hollywood icon and movie star gives me some specialized understanding of this situation, let me tell you what was running through her mind. Having become a staggering success at the age of 17, Ms. Lohan decided that, as a woman, the only life goal left for her to accomplish was to lay waste to the happiness of men the world over. So in the selfish and thoughtless manner that has for so long defined celebrity (I was going to say women, but hey, even I know there are some things you can't get away with, at least not without changing certain, shall we say, proclivities, a sacrifice that I am not willing to make for this blog) Ms. Lohan undertook a campaign of reduction and destruction the likes of which man has not seen since they miniaturized the Haggen Daaz ice cream pops at Yankee Stadium (seriously, $4.50 for snack even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't bother puking up?). Fortunately while there is, as of yet, no cure for this plague, there's always airbrushing. Thank you photoshop.
#2 - 50/50 Divoce Split - This one sucks some serious monkey nuts. While this may not be a large consideration for some people, I imagine the divorce settlement of the homeless is pretty much relegated to deciding who gets the box and who gets the shopping cart, not everyone can be so lucky. It's not that I don't think women deserve a portion of the marital wealth, it's that I don't think they deserve my portion.
Author's Note: Should my future wife turn out to be loaded out the wazoo, I would just like to say, I wuuuuuv you and umm, nevermind.
#3 - Cell Phone Headaches - You all know the feeling, you've been talking on the phone for a good little bit when you suddenly notice the phone and your ear is kind of hot. You hang up and then you realize your head kind of hurts. Then the worries start to creep in, is there any validity to those rumors about cell phones causing brain tumors? Is my ear going to turn into a radioactive nightlight? Is this true about laptops too? Are my boys done swimming? Am I going to die and not be able to have children? Is paranoia a symptom of brain tumors? Argh. I just wish they'd decide already.
#4 - Horoscopes - Oh my God, someone please smack some sense into these people. There are like a third of a BILLION, that's 333 million people born in the same sign you are, you know what that means? It means that all those perfect predictions Cosmo made for you are true of Deepahk Monopigahela, the guy who washes the cisterns clean of urine stains in Pakistani prisons and Brandi Starz, the transvestite hooker/heroin addict, gives new meaning to "a career opportunity awaits you," doesn't it?
#5 - Vegetarians - I just can't trust someone who isn't willing to sink their teeth into the flesh of another mammal. I mean really, if you aren't willing to demonstrate the superiority of the human race over animals by celebrating the carnivore inside you, how can I trust you to defend me from the mob of crazed club wielding umm "fans" who may come after me should my blog ever become widely publicized. On second thought, you know what we need more of, cannibals! Give me a good old grass skirt wearing, nose pierced, man eating native as a bodyguard/fan and no one will start up with me, then again, most cannibals can't read. Damn my fame.
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Jim Sokoloff
- Larry David on "Brokeback Mountain" Thank you Larry for saying what needed to be heard, even though it may offend, not that there's anything wrong with that.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/01/opinion/01david.html?incamp=article_popular
The Reason Is Because
"Do Jews wear those things on their heads because they're bald underneath?" - Cashier at grocery in Boston.
And people say the public school system isn't working.
Top 5 Things (would be 10 but that woud just make me seem hard to please) That Bother Me Today
#1 - Lindsay Lohan's Bulemia and Subsequent umm "Cup Reduction"- My own time spent as a Hollywood icon and movie star gives me some specialized understanding of this situation, let me tell you what was running through her mind. Having become a staggering success at the age of 17, Ms. Lohan decided that, as a woman, the only life goal left for her to accomplish was to lay waste to the happiness of men the world over. So in the selfish and thoughtless manner that has for so long defined celebrity (I was going to say women, but hey, even I know there are some things you can't get away with, at least not without changing certain, shall we say, proclivities, a sacrifice that I am not willing to make for this blog) Ms. Lohan undertook a campaign of reduction and destruction the likes of which man has not seen since they miniaturized the Haggen Daaz ice cream pops at Yankee Stadium (seriously, $4.50 for snack even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't bother puking up?). Fortunately while there is, as of yet, no cure for this plague, there's always airbrushing. Thank you photoshop.
#2 - 50/50 Divoce Split - This one sucks some serious monkey nuts. While this may not be a large consideration for some people, I imagine the divorce settlement of the homeless is pretty much relegated to deciding who gets the box and who gets the shopping cart, not everyone can be so lucky. It's not that I don't think women deserve a portion of the marital wealth, it's that I don't think they deserve my portion.
Author's Note: Should my future wife turn out to be loaded out the wazoo, I would just like to say, I wuuuuuv you and umm, nevermind.
#3 - Cell Phone Headaches - You all know the feeling, you've been talking on the phone for a good little bit when you suddenly notice the phone and your ear is kind of hot. You hang up and then you realize your head kind of hurts. Then the worries start to creep in, is there any validity to those rumors about cell phones causing brain tumors? Is my ear going to turn into a radioactive nightlight? Is this true about laptops too? Are my boys done swimming? Am I going to die and not be able to have children? Is paranoia a symptom of brain tumors? Argh. I just wish they'd decide already.
#4 - Horoscopes - Oh my God, someone please smack some sense into these people. There are like a third of a BILLION, that's 333 million people born in the same sign you are, you know what that means? It means that all those perfect predictions Cosmo made for you are true of Deepahk Monopigahela, the guy who washes the cisterns clean of urine stains in Pakistani prisons and Brandi Starz, the transvestite hooker/heroin addict, gives new meaning to "a career opportunity awaits you," doesn't it?
#5 - Vegetarians - I just can't trust someone who isn't willing to sink their teeth into the flesh of another mammal. I mean really, if you aren't willing to demonstrate the superiority of the human race over animals by celebrating the carnivore inside you, how can I trust you to defend me from the mob of crazed club wielding umm "fans" who may come after me should my blog ever become widely publicized. On second thought, you know what we need more of, cannibals! Give me a good old grass skirt wearing, nose pierced, man eating native as a bodyguard/fan and no one will start up with me, then again, most cannibals can't read. Damn my fame.
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Jim Sokoloff
- Larry David on "Brokeback Mountain" Thank you Larry for saying what needed to be heard, even though it may offend, not that there's anything wrong with that.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/01/opinion/01david.html?incamp=article_popular
The Reason Is Because
"Do Jews wear those things on their heads because they're bald underneath?" - Cashier at grocery in Boston.
And people say the public school system isn't working.
Jan 3, 2006
I HATE RESPONSIBILITIES
Ladies and Gentleman, today I'm will not be posting a top 5 list, instead I want to use this forum to pose a question (and save time to do my H.W.) to you all, or if you sleep with your relatives, are unaware of the fact that participles end with the letters "ing" not "in" and eat squirrel meat, y'all. Some of you may be married and some others of you may have lives, still others of you may fall into neither of those categories (to you I say, thank you for making me feel better about my life). Anyway, here it is;
What is the meanest, vilest, most awful thing you've ever done? aside of course from laughing at this blog.
Personal Update
For the first time in my 25 years I have, wait for it, boiled an egg, gotta say, kind of a letdown.
Who I Like Today And (I Promise) I Don't Mean Clay Aiken
The creators of this website, thank you, just thank you.
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
The Reason Is Because
Drew Gooden Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
Interviewer - "Why do you think you won tonight Drew?"
Drew Gooden - "We competed tonight."
And the prize for most oblivious understatement of the day goes to Drew Gooden, thank you Drew for pointing out that in order to win a game, one must be playing in a game. Incidentaly Drew, congratulations on making this list twice. While being dumber than the progeny of retarded siblings from the south must be kind of a downer, at least you know your dead body will be worth a crapload, maybe even a crap and a half; scientists have been looking for the missing link for a while now.
What is the meanest, vilest, most awful thing you've ever done? aside of course from laughing at this blog.
Personal Update
For the first time in my 25 years I have, wait for it, boiled an egg, gotta say, kind of a letdown.
Who I Like Today And (I Promise) I Don't Mean Clay Aiken
The creators of this website, thank you, just thank you.
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
The Reason Is Because
Drew Gooden Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
Interviewer - "Why do you think you won tonight Drew?"
Drew Gooden - "We competed tonight."
And the prize for most oblivious understatement of the day goes to Drew Gooden, thank you Drew for pointing out that in order to win a game, one must be playing in a game. Incidentaly Drew, congratulations on making this list twice. While being dumber than the progeny of retarded siblings from the south must be kind of a downer, at least you know your dead body will be worth a crapload, maybe even a crap and a half; scientists have been looking for the missing link for a while now.
Jan 2, 2006
OBNOXIOUS: adj. Offensive or odious
Yadda yadda yadda I’ve never been slapped, here it is:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – New Years – What exactly are these people celebrating? The fact that they have closed the books on the fiscal year? Wooo hooo!! I feel like I should have more to say about this but it’s just so utterly random.
#2 – People who ask “who is that” during a movie when you’ve both been there just as long – I don’t understand these people, exactly what is running through your mind? Do you think that I’ve come to the movie with some special knowledge? That they have secret screenings for people who are going to be seeing the movie with retards? How in G-d’s good name am I going to know more about the 3 minute old movie than you are? Arrrrrgh. Mom, you bother me.
Note: To all of you who think I just called my mom a retard I just want to say, she’s a really good cook.
#3 – People who talk authoritatively about subjects in which they have no specialized knowledge – Why, why, WHY? That these people feel qualified to make comments on subjects like military tactics, fluid dynamics and corporate strategy boggles my mind. These people whose qualifications are limited to knowing the best place to get shwarma at 2am fill the air with such pomposity it’s almost as if they exist in a cloud of their own noxious gas. To you people I just have one thing to say, every second you are alive is a waste of oxygen.
#4 – People who fail so often that everyone lowers expectations for them – Just because you have been late to everything for the last 11 years should not mean it’s acceptable. No, you cannot call 17 hours after we were supposed to meet and say “yeah, it doesn’t look like I’m going to make it.” I am sure that I am not the only one with a friend like that and so I have a suggestion for all my readers. The next time one of your chronically unreliable friends proves himself to be, once again, unreliable, beat him. Beat him with dense blunt objects, like say, a lead pipe or the arm from a mannequin, don’t kill him or anything, just maim him so that next time he’s late you can ask, “Problem getting into your wheelchair?”
#5 – Fat people in tight clothes – I know this has been a rough couple of days for fat people here on “You Know What Bothers Me” (well lets face it, your entire life is probably pretty rough, filling though) but I have one more thing to add. I understand that it is important for you to have self confidence, to look at yourself in the mirror, or mirrors if you are especially large, and be able to say to yourself that you like what you see. But please! When these delusions lead to you walking around outside, in public, where other people are forced to look at you, they result in the inestimable suffering of thousands. So please before you decide spandex is a good idea try thinking of this; there are no good rolls of fat, big is not beautiful, and while there may be more of you to love, there’s also a crapload more to hate.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean A.E. Housman
The 2004 National Spelling Bee on ESPN 2
Have you seen these kids before, it’s like they’ve come out of that pod Keanu Reeves was in, in the Matrix. They study for what I imagine must be hours on end each day eschewing exposure to trivial things like, people, sunlight and TV only to find themselves on stage twitching and stuttering as their fate comes down to spelling LUBAVITCHER that's right, LUBAVITCHER. L-O-S-E-R. Bet now you wish you’d spent your time watching TV .
The Reason Is Because
"You is wrong" – Microsoft Word grammar correction suggestion
Clearly Microsoft hasn’t quite solved the Ebonics bug.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – New Years – What exactly are these people celebrating? The fact that they have closed the books on the fiscal year? Wooo hooo!! I feel like I should have more to say about this but it’s just so utterly random.
#2 – People who ask “who is that” during a movie when you’ve both been there just as long – I don’t understand these people, exactly what is running through your mind? Do you think that I’ve come to the movie with some special knowledge? That they have secret screenings for people who are going to be seeing the movie with retards? How in G-d’s good name am I going to know more about the 3 minute old movie than you are? Arrrrrgh. Mom, you bother me.
Note: To all of you who think I just called my mom a retard I just want to say, she’s a really good cook.
#3 – People who talk authoritatively about subjects in which they have no specialized knowledge – Why, why, WHY? That these people feel qualified to make comments on subjects like military tactics, fluid dynamics and corporate strategy boggles my mind. These people whose qualifications are limited to knowing the best place to get shwarma at 2am fill the air with such pomposity it’s almost as if they exist in a cloud of their own noxious gas. To you people I just have one thing to say, every second you are alive is a waste of oxygen.
#4 – People who fail so often that everyone lowers expectations for them – Just because you have been late to everything for the last 11 years should not mean it’s acceptable. No, you cannot call 17 hours after we were supposed to meet and say “yeah, it doesn’t look like I’m going to make it.” I am sure that I am not the only one with a friend like that and so I have a suggestion for all my readers. The next time one of your chronically unreliable friends proves himself to be, once again, unreliable, beat him. Beat him with dense blunt objects, like say, a lead pipe or the arm from a mannequin, don’t kill him or anything, just maim him so that next time he’s late you can ask, “Problem getting into your wheelchair?”
#5 – Fat people in tight clothes – I know this has been a rough couple of days for fat people here on “You Know What Bothers Me” (well lets face it, your entire life is probably pretty rough, filling though) but I have one more thing to add. I understand that it is important for you to have self confidence, to look at yourself in the mirror, or mirrors if you are especially large, and be able to say to yourself that you like what you see. But please! When these delusions lead to you walking around outside, in public, where other people are forced to look at you, they result in the inestimable suffering of thousands. So please before you decide spandex is a good idea try thinking of this; there are no good rolls of fat, big is not beautiful, and while there may be more of you to love, there’s also a crapload more to hate.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean A.E. Housman
The 2004 National Spelling Bee on ESPN 2
Have you seen these kids before, it’s like they’ve come out of that pod Keanu Reeves was in, in the Matrix. They study for what I imagine must be hours on end each day eschewing exposure to trivial things like, people, sunlight and TV only to find themselves on stage twitching and stuttering as their fate comes down to spelling LUBAVITCHER that's right, LUBAVITCHER. L-O-S-E-R. Bet now you wish you’d spent your time watching TV .
The Reason Is Because
"You is wrong" – Microsoft Word grammar correction suggestion
Clearly Microsoft hasn’t quite solved the Ebonics bug.
Jan 1, 2006
SLOTH
I am glad to announce with the coming of the "New Year" the introduction of a new weekly advice column. While this column will normally run on Mondays, its initial appearance will be today. Sorry folks but I'm not feeling particularly whiny at the moment and I wouldn't want to undermine the integrity of the "Top 5 Things That Bother me Today" with manufactured anger. So here it is for your reading pleasure:
If I Ran The World's
Top 10 Ways To Woo Women (how much fun is that to say?)
#10 - Ignore them - while this advice has been given before, I feel it bears repeating
#9 - Buy her a gym membership - nothing says you like a girl like showing her you're interested in having her lose a few pounds
#8 - Describe in detail the role she played in your dream last night
#7 - Rate her performance in said dream
#6 - Offer her the chance to prove she can do better
#5 - Poke fun at all of her flaws - There's nothing like destroying a girls self-confidence to increase the odds of her agreeing to go out with you
#4 - Remind her as often as possible that a woman's place is in the kitchen, or wherever a diaper needs changing, a carpet vaccuming or clothes washing.
#3 - Tell her you've always been attracted to girl's who werent concerned about their looks - see note to #5
#2 - Tell her you "love her" at inappropriately early time
#1 - Lie - To all the women reading this, did I mention I run a multi-million dollar generating website?
If there is anyone out there who disagrees with this list, or in the more likely case, applauds it, but feels that I may have missed one or two tricks, please feel free to make use of the comment board. If your comment is reasonably valid, you may even make Wednesday's reader submission column. Until then, keep reading, like you could stop.
If I Ran The World's
Top 10 Ways To Woo Women (how much fun is that to say?)
#10 - Ignore them - while this advice has been given before, I feel it bears repeating
#9 - Buy her a gym membership - nothing says you like a girl like showing her you're interested in having her lose a few pounds
#8 - Describe in detail the role she played in your dream last night
#7 - Rate her performance in said dream
#6 - Offer her the chance to prove she can do better
#5 - Poke fun at all of her flaws - There's nothing like destroying a girls self-confidence to increase the odds of her agreeing to go out with you
#4 - Remind her as often as possible that a woman's place is in the kitchen, or wherever a diaper needs changing, a carpet vaccuming or clothes washing.
#3 - Tell her you've always been attracted to girl's who werent concerned about their looks - see note to #5
#2 - Tell her you "love her" at inappropriately early time
#1 - Lie - To all the women reading this, did I mention I run a multi-million dollar generating website?
If there is anyone out there who disagrees with this list, or in the more likely case, applauds it, but feels that I may have missed one or two tricks, please feel free to make use of the comment board. If your comment is reasonably valid, you may even make Wednesday's reader submission column. Until then, keep reading, like you could stop.
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